


Nosocomephobia

by ESawyer



Category: The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, But there is a happy ending because I could never, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Hospitals, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Uganda (Book of Mormon Musical), Suicide Attempt, This is a lot I realise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:08:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 76,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25697047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ESawyer/pseuds/ESawyer
Summary: Nosocomephobianos·o·co·me·pho·biaIntense fear of hospitalsIn weeks to come, Connor would never know how he managed to get changed, scrub most of the make-up off his face and not have a complete breakdown in the cab on the way to the hospital. It was very rare that he thought about anything other than Kevin these days, but he couldn’t help but replay the last week in his head, because it felt like he had been getting better. He hadn’t missed a day of work in weeks, he’d been going to college and therapy and laughing and smiling and he hadn’t had a breakdown during sex for at least a month.Just that morning, he’d made Connor breakfast in bed and kissed him that little bit longer before he’d left for work. In hindsight, that had just been his goodbye.
Relationships: Arnold Cunningham/Nabulungi Hatimbi, Elder "Connor" McKinley/Kevin Price, Elder Church/Elder Thomas (Book of Mormon Musical)
Comments: 167
Kudos: 122





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!!  
> This really is as depressing as it seems, so please proceed with caution and make sure you read all the tags!! Thanks!!

Connor got the call halfway through Act 1 during his first run in a Broadway show. He didn’t know that his cell had been constantly buzzing until he got back to his dressing room with the rest of the ensemble boys, the final note of One Day More still ringing in his ears. 

As he sat down to take that first glorious sip of water after an unusually difficult first act, his phone lit up, revealing hundreds of notifications. Frowning, Connor picked it up and scrolled through, his frown only deepening. 

**_Missed Call: Arnold (17)_ **

**_Voicemail: Arnold (16)_ **

**_Arnold: Call me or Chris or someone as soon as you get this!!!_ **

**_Missed Call: Chris (25)_ **

**_Chris: You need to call out the show, probably for the rest of the week. It’s Kevin._ **

It was only when he read the words ‘It’s Kevin’ that he realised that something was extremely wrong. At once, he jumped to his feet and ran to the bathroom, locking himself in and ignoring the way that the other boys were laughing at him.

Chris picked up after the first ring, “Are you out of work?” 

“Act 1 just finished. What’s going on?”

“Arnold found him in the bathroom. We don’t know what he took,” 

Connor slowly sat down on the toilet lid, his entire world coming to a screeching halt as Chris carried on talking. Something about how Arnold had only been 15 minutes later than usual because Kevin had asked him to stop for some coffee, and that they were pretty sure that that had been part of his plan, that he was just trying to find some time. He talked about how Nabulungi and James went back to the apartment and found notes for all of them, but they didn’t know what to do with them because he was still alive. 

_Still._

Still suggested that it might not be forever, that he wasn’t out of the woods yet and Connor wasn’t quite prepared for what would happen if he lost him. 

“Connor? Are you listening to me? You need to come to the hospital,” Chris said, “He’s in the ICU. You’ll be able to see him,” 

“He’s scared of hospitals,” Connor whispered. 

“I _know_ ,” Chris said, “Which is why he needs you here,” 

Connor’s heart leapt, “Has he - Has been asking for me?” 

“Well...no. He’s not awake, but he - look, he’d want you there,” Chris said, “and I, um...you’ll regret it if you’re not. I do,” 

Connor knew what he was hinting at; he’d been there for the past 2 anniversaries of Chris’ sister's death, and neither of them had been pretty. And he was right, Connor knew that he was right, but he didn’t need to see that. He didn’t need to see his sweet, beautiful boyfriend in the ICU. He needed to see him laughing at one of Arnold’s stupid jokes or curled up in his arms or _anywhere_ but the ICU. 

“Okay,” Connor said, “Okay. I’ll - I’m coming,” 

“Hurry,” was the last thing that Chris said to him before he hung up. 

Slowly, Connor stood up from the toilet and walked back out into the dressing room. He stood there for a moment, staring around at his cast mates, all of whom were laughing and joking like Kevin wasn’t in the ICU. Why had the show not been cancelled? Why had _every single_ Broadway show not been cancelled? Why had the _world_ not come to a standstill? 

“Connor?” Edward, who he had gone to college with and who he had booked the show on the same day as, said slowly, “What’s wrong?” 

“It’s - It’s Kevin,” Connor said, aware that the entire dressing room had fallen silent, “He’s in the ICU, he tried to - he tried to kill himself,” 

Time seemed to stop again for a moment. Somehow, saying it out loud made it feel as real as it was. Only Edward moved. He immediately jumped up from his seat, shoving Connor’s clothes into his arms and telling him that he needs to get changed and _leave,_ but Connor’s brain couldn’t seem to focus on anything but the fact that his boyfriend might die. 

“Connor, listen to me,” Edward said, actually pulling his costume off for him, “You need to get changed and get a cab. I’ll talk to management for you. Just go to him,” 

In weeks to come, Connor would never know how he managed to get changed, scrub most of the make-up off his face and not have a complete breakdown in the cab on the way to the hospital. He couldn’t help but replay the last week in his head, because it had felt like Kevin had been getting better. He hadn’t missed a day of work in weeks, he’d been going to college and therapy and laughing and smiling and he hadn’t had a breakdown during sex for at least a month. 

Just that morning, he’d made Connor breakfast in bed and kissed him that little bit longer before he’d left for work. Connor had thought that it was a preview for what was to come when he got home from work. In hindsight, that had just been his goodbye.

Chris was waiting for him by the doors, rocking backwards and forwards on the balls of his feet. 

“How is he?” Connor asked, “Where is he? Is he - he’s alive, isn’t he?” 

“Yeah,” Chris said, “They think he’ll pull through. I think he’ll have to stay on the Psych ward for a while, make sure that he’s - he’s okay. He isn’t awake yet,” 

Connor nodded and trailed behind Chris as he led the way up to the ICU. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Connor was vaguely aware of the fact that ICU’s and hospitals in general weren’t a good place for his best friend to be, but he was too busy worrying about Kevin possibly dying before the day was out. 

“He’s in here,” Chris said quietly, sliding the door open. 

The first thing Connor noticed was the beeping and how much Kevin would probably hate that. He had to sleep in complete silence, and would kick up a fuss about any sound, no matter how minuscule. Then his eyes travelled over to Arnold, stood in the far corner of the room and with an uncharacteristically haunted look on his face, Nabulungi stood next to him, her arms wrapped around his waist with her head resting on his shoulder. 

Connor heard the Doctor introduce herself, and James ask if he was okay. He ignored them both and slowly walked over to the bed, not going any further than Kevin’s feet. The Doctor said something to him again, but it was as though they were on opposite ends of a very long tunnel. 

“This is his boyfriend,” James said, clearly answering the questions that Connor was meant to, “Connor,” 

“What’s that in his mouth?” Connor asked, taking a few more steps forward. 

“A breathing tube,” the Doctor explained, “He can’t breathe on his own right now, he has what we call an anoxic brain injury,” 

“B-Brain injury?” Connor whispered, “He has - oh, no, oh no, _oh no,_ ” 

“We’ve done a brain scan,” she explained gently, “There’s nothing too severe. We’re hopeful for no lasting damage. And we’ve done tests and he’s in as good a condition as we could hope. He’s lucky,” 

Connor nodded, his eyes roaming up and down Kevin’s body. He stared down at his hands and his fingernails that were almost bitten down to nothing. Carefully, he took his hand and turned his arm over. 

“We’ve checked,” the Doctor said, “Does he have a history of self harm?” 

“No,” Connor said, “No. He’s - He’s never,” 

“The psychiatrist will want to talk to him. And you,” she said, “Just so we’re aware of his history,” 

Connor didn’t say anything as he stared down at Kevin. He gently ran his fingers through his fringe, knowing that he’d have to betray Kevin’s trust and tell someone all the things that Kevin had made him promise he’d never repeat. Just as he leaned down to kiss his forehead, one of the machines started beeping louder than it had been before and there was a hand on his arm yanking him away from Kevin. 

“ _V-FIB!_ ” the Doctor yelled, “I need a crash cart!” 

“W-What’s happening?” Connor asked, “What’s going on?” 

“I need space,” the Doctor said, “Go and wait outside,” 

“No!” Connor yelled, fighting back against whoever was trying to pull him out of the room, “N-No! I can’t! I can’t l-leave him!” 

“Connor, you don't need to see this,” Chris said, “Come _on_ ,” 

James suddenly appeared behind him and wrapped his arms around his middle, all but carrying him kicking and screaming out of the room as a team of Doctors and nurses descended around Kevin’s bed. 

“He’s scared of hospitals!” Connor yelled, “You’re gonna - You’re gonna scare him! _Stop!_ You’re gonna - you’re gonna-” he was cut off by the sound of the defibrillator, and he broke. He spun around in James’ arms, sobbing hysterically into his chest. 

“They’re helping him,” James whispered. 

“He’s scared of hospitals,” Connor sobbed, “He’s scared of hospitals,” 

He felt a hand on his back, “Connor,” it was Chris, “Connor, you need to listen to me. You have to trust the Doctors. There’s no point in shouting at them, it’s not going to help anyone, it’s not going to help _him._ They know what they’re doing,” 

Connor wanted to point out that they didn’t know what they were doing, because if they did, they wouldn’t have so many people in the room because that scared him. They wouldn’t have any male nurses, because that would scare him. If they knew what they were doing, he wouldn’t have had to go to the ICU because they would have made him better in the ER. 

It felt like hours before the Doctor came back out of the room, telling them that Kevin’s heart had started again and that he would be okay. Connor felt as though there was a ‘probably’ hanging in the air, but tried not to think about it. 

“Go and get some coffee,” the Doctor told him, “and then the psychiatrist will want to speak to you,” 

There was nowhere else Connor wanted to be but Kevin’s bedside, but it seemed like everyone else seemed to think that he needed to be somewhere else. James put his arm around his shoulders and tugged him forward, gently pushing him towards the doors. Connor didn't seem to have any control over his legs as they carried him down to the cafe and sat him down on an uncomfortable chair. 

At some point, Nabulungi pushed a cup of coffee and a packet of chips over the table at him. He opened the chips and sipped his coffee, but only because he knew that that was what everyone else wanted him to do. 

“How could I have missed it?” Connor asked quietly, “We _live_ together and I didn’t even know. I know what he’s been through and I...” he trailed off. He should have known that his _severely traumatised_ boyfriend would one day do something like this. 

“We all missed it,” Nabulungi said, “but you cannot possibly think that you know everything that is happening inside of his head at all times,” 

Connor shook his head, “I should have known _this_ though,” 

“You can’t have known,” Arnold said, speaking for the first time, “None of us could have known. He was getting better, or we - we thought he was,” 

Connor’s eyes flickered over to Arnold. He was staring blankly ahead of him, shoulders slumped and face pale. Connor could not - and did not - want to imagine what it must have been like for him to walk into the bathroom and find his best friend like that. Connor wasn’t sure what he’d have done in that situation apart from have some form of a breakdown. 

“I’ve been so stupid. I thought two years would be enough for him to...” Connor trailed off. ' _Get over it_ ' felt cruel and callous, but he couldn’t think of a better way to say it. 

“I think we all did,” Chris said, “I thought he would be better once we left Uganda and he was away from it all,”

“It’s always gonna follow him,” James said, “He just needs to learn to shoulder it. Easier said than done, I guess,” 

“Can we go back upstairs?” Connor asked quietly, “I don’t like being down here without him,” 

He didn’t wait for anyone to agree with him and stood up quickly, looking at them all expectantly. They got up with a sigh, James hesitantly suggesting that maybe having another drink wouldn’t be so bad, but Connor couldn’t risk spending another second away from Kevin. 

As soon as they got back into the ICU, Connor made a beeline for Kevin’s room, only to be stopped by a Doctor. 

“My boyfriend is in there,” Connor said, “I’d like to be with him,” 

“My name is Doctor Daniels, I’ll be Kevin’s psychiatrist. Is it okay if I speak to you?” he asked. 

Connor looked over Doctor Daniels shoulder and into Kevin’s room. There were still too many people in there for him to be comfortable, and if he woke up and he was on his own-

“I’m only going to take you to a consultation room over there,” Daniels said, “You’ll be able to see him,” 

Connor hesitated for a moment before nodding and following the Doctor over to the consultation room, but not before he made the others promise that they wouldn’t leave Kevin’s side and come and get him if _anything_ happened. 

The consultation room was small; just two sofas and a table with a jug of water and some paper cups on top of it. The one silver lining was that there was a window directly in line with Kevin’s room. He watched as Nabulungi sat at his bedside and took his hand in hers, and Chris stood staring out of the window; presumably so that he could pretend that he was anywhere but in a hospital. 

“How are you, Connor?” 

Connor tore his eyes away from Kevin in favour of looking at the Doctor. 

“Not great,” Connor said, “Surprisingly,” 

“You have a good support system, no? And so does Kevin,” 

“We can’t be that great if he tried to kill himself,” 

“You can’t blame yourself,” he said firmly, “What can you tell me about Kevin’s history with his mental health?” 

Connor’s blood ran cold and he looked back over at Kevin. Arnold had taken Nabulungi’s place at Kevin’s side, gently brushing Kevin’s hair into some sort of style because they all knew better than to let Kevin have a bad hair day when he was in public. Doctor Daniels quiet mutter of his name had Connor looking back over at him, chewing on his lip. 

“He’s been through a lot,” Connor whispered, “More then - More than he deserves. He doesn’t deserve any of it,” 

Doctor Daniels nodded, “I don’t doubt that. Can you tell me more?” 

“I, um...” he trailed off, running his sweaty palms up and down his thighs, “If I betray his trust by telling you-“ 

“- I need to know so I can give him the best treatment I can,” Doctor Daniels said, “Do you think he’d be up to telling me?” 

Connor couldn’t help but laugh at this; the thought of Kevin opening up to someone he had just met was as likely as Connor being straight. Doctor Daniels raised his eyebrows, clearly confused about Connor’s reaction. 

“Sorry,” Connor said, “He’s very...closed off,” 

Doctor Daniels didn’t say anything, and Connor sighed, trying to work out the best way to tell him everything without saying anything. 

“We met on our mission, we were Mormons,” Connor said carefully, “I was...I was very far in the closet and so was Kevin but he was - he was so far in that he didn’t even realise he was in the closet. And I, um...he’s always wanted to be the best at - at everything. Well, his dad wanted that for him, anyway. And he worked - he worked _so_ hard, he still does but I - it was hard, in Africa. No one wanted to know about the religion and we had nothing to show for it,” 

Doctor Daniels nodded, “And...?” 

“And then - it’s so stupid, but Arnold - the guy with the curly hair, he...he accidentally convinced people to join the Church and I - I started ignoring Kevin because I just...I needed to show the Mission President that we were doing well and Kevin didn’t take it well because he’d always been the best at everything and suddenly he wasn’t and then - and then -“ Connor broke off, feeling his throat tighten, “there was a Warlord and Kevin tried to convert him so he went and he - and the Warlord he - he...” 

Connor covered his face with his hands, shoulders shaking as he sobbed. He felt the couch dip as Doctor Daniels sat beside him and placed a gentle hand on his back. 

“Take your time, Connor,” 

“It was my fault,” Connor sobbed, “I was so - so blinded by - by baptism numbers that I - I didn’t care about anything else and K-Kevin went to the Warlord and then he - he h-hurt him,” 

“Hurt him?” 

“D-Don’t make me s-say it! I don’t w-want to betray his t-trust!” 

“Physically?”

Connor nodded, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes. 

“Was there more?” Doctor Daniels asked, “Was he sexually assaulted?” 

Connor froze, feeling Doctor Daniels lean even closer to him. 

“You’re not a bad person for telling me,” he whispered, “I can help him,”

Feeling as though he was betraying his boyfriend in the worst possible way, he quickly nodded his head. 

“How long ago was this?” 

“We were 19. Hes 21 now, almost 22,” Connor muttered, “We came home 4 months after, he couldn’t - he couldn’t deal with being there anymore. But I thought it was the right thing! I got him to go to therapy and he’s been doing _so_ well! He’s at - He’s at NYU. He wants to be a Doctor. He’d be the best Doctor ever, I swear. He so smart and - and compassionate,” 

An odd look flickered over Doctor Daniels face, “You said he was scared of hospitals,” 

“H-He is, but he was - he was doing so much better! He started volunteering here, just helping out in the ED waiting room! His therapist told him that it’d help and it - it has been!” 

“I thought I recognised him,” Doctor Daniels said quietly, “Do you know what sort of Doctor he wants to be?”

Connor sniffled, “Paediatric. He loves kids,” 

“Do you know where his fear of hospitals started?” 

“Uganda. After - After what happened, he went to the village doctor but he wasn’t - he wasn’t very good and he _laughed_ and wasn’t gentle about - about anything,” Connor muttered, “He’s always wanted to be a Doctor but that - that almost messed it up for him. He’s determined though or he - he was...” 

“No male Doctors, then?” 

Connor shook his head, “Or nurses. Not if they’re - Not if they’re going to, um... _examine_ him. I think he’d be okay with you as long as you don’t t-touch him or anything...” 

“Okay,” Doctor Daniels said, typing something into his IPad, “Thank-you for telling me this, Connor. We’re going to get him the help he needs. You can go back to him now,” 

Connor wasted no time leaving the room, desperate to get back to Kevin. As soon as he entered the room, Arnold jumped up from his seat and gestured for him to sit down. Chris came up behind him as he sat down and put his hands on his shoulders, squeezing gently. 

“Everything OK?” He whispered. 

“Fine,” Connor said, unable to take his eyes off Kevin’s face, “He wanted to - He wanted to know his history...I had to tell him about the General,” 

Chris squeezed his shoulders again, but Connor thought that it might have been an involuntary reaction. 

“I betrayed his trust,” Connor said, swiping his thumb over the back of Kevin’s hand, “I’m not meant to tell people those things. It’s not my story to tell,” 

“They had to know,” Nabulungi said quietly, “You don’t want him waking up in a room full of male doctors, do you?” 

Connor shook his head, reaching out to brush an eyelash off Kevin’s cheekbone. He kept his hand there, trying to figure out how he could have looked so outwardly cheerful that morning, even though he had been struggling in a way that Connor could not comprehend. 

“It’s my fault,” Connor said, taking his hand away, “Everything. It’s my fault,” 

“How’ve you worked that one out?” Arnold asked. 

Connor shrugged, “That day with the General, I ignored him. If I’d - if I’d stayed with him or - or listened...” 

“No,” James said firmly, “No, it wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t Kevin’s fault. The only person at fault is the General. You know that, Con,” 

Too tired to argue back, Connor nodded and turned back to Kevin, wondering how much longer he would have the privilege of looking at him. If it weren’t for the fact that he had a breathing tube sticking out of his mouth, it might have been easier to pretend that he was just sleeping. At the very least, he looked peaceful. 

When a nurse came into the room to tell them that visiting hours were over, and they had to leave, Connor had to be all but dragged away from Kevin. 

“Can I not stay overnight?” Connor asked desperately, “P-Please, if he - if he wakes up-“ 

“You can’t, I’m sorry. You’re not married or immediate family, I-“ 

“I am his family!” Connor yelled, “He doesn’t have anyone else! Please!” 

“Hospital protocol, I’m sorry,” 

Chris took his hand and tugged him towards the door, whispering about how it was healthy for him to have time away from the hospital, and if he should listen to anyone, it was him. 

“Kevin doesn’t get time away from the hospital, why should I?” Connor demanded. 

“Because you need a shower and a warm bed. You can stay with us,” James said, “We’ll go and get you some fresh clothes,”

They didn’t speak much during the cab ride home, Connor couldn’t help but think about how terrible of a boyfriend he was. Not only had he completely betrayed Kevin’s trust, but he had then gone on to leave him in one of the places that scared him more than anything. 

Connor got everything he needed out of their apartment quickly, not wanting to focus on anything too much. He snatched some clothes out of his closet and shoved them into a bag. He paused as he passed by Kevin’s side of the bed, left as messy as it always was, and opened his top drawer, rifling around until he found what he was looking for: the Tamagotchi that Arnold had bought him for his birthday and the Nintendo Switch that Connor had bought him. He carefully placed them in the bag and grabbed the jumper that Kevin had been wearing that morning, pulling it over his head. It smelled like him. 

“Ready?” Chris asked when he came back out of the bedroom. 

Connor nodded, “Yeah, I - wait,” 

He dropped the bag to the floor and ran back inside the bedroom, he dived over the bed and yanked open his bottom drawer, rifling around until he found what he was looking for.

Connor had bought the engagement ring on a whim, and had been planning to propose that weekend. He’d planned it all out perfectly, and it felt beyond cruel that instead of having a weekend away in a little cabin, Kevin would be spending his time in a hospital. 

“Is that what I think it is?” 

Connor turned around, he had not even heard Chris walk into the bedroom. 

“Yeah,” he said, twirling the box around in his fingers, “I know we’re young but I...” 

“You don’t need to explain yourself, I know,” Chris said, “You’ll get to ask him. I promise.” 

“What if I don’t, Chris?” Connor asked quietly, “What if - What if he dies tonight? Or tomorrow morning before we get to the hospital? What am I meant to do?” 

“I don’t know,” Chris admitted, “but you won’t be on your own, even if - even if he isn’t here,” 

Connor was saved having to admit that he didn’t want to be anywhere if Kevin wasn’t with him by James walking into the bedroom, spinning his keys around his finger like he always did when he was anxious. His eyes dropped down to the box in Connor’s hand and he sighed, running a hand through his hair. 

“I want to be joint best person with Chris and Naba,” he said. 

“I don’t think we’re gonna get there,” Connor said. 

“Yeah, we will,” James said confidently, “He’s just gonna be furious when he finds out that everyone knew you were going to propose before he did,” 

Connor managed a smile, imagining what it would be like when he finally got to ask him. James grinned at put his arm around his shoulders as they left the apartment. 

“I’m thinking Nabs would look great in blue,” James said, “Or maybe yellow? Either way, her dress should match our ties. So maybe blue. I think we should let Arnold dress up as a Storm Trooper, because the wedding photos would look great,” 

Chris rolled his eyes, “Not your wedding, Jamie,”

“I know, but since you wouldn’t let Arnold dress up as a Storm Trooper on our wedding day, I have to make it happen somehow,” 

Talk of a wedding that might never happen was enough to get Connor through the night. His naive hope that maybe everything was okay disappeared into nothing the moment that he was alone in Chris and James’ spare bedroom. He dropped his bag onto the floor and sat on the edge of the bed, wondering how on Earth he was meant to sleep. 

He had forgotten what it was like to sleep alone. Even on the nights when Kevin was studying until the early hours of the morning, he would still get into bed to keep Connor company. He would read over his notes or listen back over a lecture whilst Connor lay with his head on his stomach. 

And as sad as it was, Connor took off Kevin’s jumper and put it over a pillow so that it was almost like he was cuddling into Kevin. 

Almost. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw:/ mentions of eating disorders

Connor got the phone call that Kevin was awake at 6 AM, not even 2 hours after he had finally fallen asleep. He was ready and out of the door by 6.30, Chris and James surprisingly awake despite the early hour. Only Connor was going to be able to see him out of visitor hours, but he was grateful for the company should something go wrong. But nothing _was_ going to go wrong, he reminded himself, because he was awake and the Doctor on the phone had said that he was doing well. 

“Are you going to be okay?” Chris asked when they arrived at the hospital. 

“Fine,” Connor said, chewing on his thumbnail, “I will be when I see him, anyway,” 

“We’re gonna go and grab a coffee, call if you need us. I think Arnold and Naba are gonna be here soon,” James said, “Tell him we’ve missed him,” 

Connor nodded and smiled in a silent goodbye as he made his way into the ICU on his own. It was horrible so early on in the morning; the lack of visitors meant that the only sounds was that of the Doctors and Nurses talking in hushed tones and the incessant beeping of all the machines that he knew would be driving Kevin insane. 

As soon as he stepped foot in the ward, his eyes were drawn to Kevin’s room but the curtains were closed and his mind automatically jumped to assume that something awful had happened in the time that it had taken him to get to the hospital. 

“Connor McKinley?” 

He started at the sound of his name and turned around to see a Doctor smiling at him, and he was almost certain that this wasn’t the same Doctor who had treated Kevin the same door, because he was sure that she had been a woman. 

“Hi, Doctor, um...Doctor...” 

“Brown,” he said, “We haven’t met. I’m going to be Kevin’s Doctor today,” 

“Y-You?” Connor stuttered, “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Is there not a woman Doctor on?” 

“Doctor Ahmed was meant to be on shift today, but she had a family emergency,” 

“No, you don’t understand,” Connor said hastily, “He doesn’t - he doesn’t like male Doctors. You need to find someone else,” 

“I understand his fears, and I’ve got it under control,” He said calmly, “Before you go in, you need to be aware of some things about Kevin, okay? Like I said on the phone, he’s awake. His memory is a little fuzzy, but that’s only short-term memory. The earliest he can remember is you leaving for work, everything after that is a bit muddled. There’s no saying if he’ll remember it,” 

Connor nodded, secretly hoping that he’d never remember it because he already had too much to shoulder. 

“And he has, of course, suffered a brain injury so-” 

“Oh no, oh no,” Connor whispered, “What’s happened? As he - can he _walk?_ What about - What about-”

“He can walk,” Doctor Brown said kindly, “We’ve had some issues with eating, but that could just be because of the coma. We’re gonna monitor that. He had a seizure this morning but-”

“A _seizure?_ ”

“It wasn’t anything too severe. We’ve given him some medication to try and keep them under control,” he said, like it was the most normal thing in the world, “The other thing I want to tell you is that he’s had 2 panic attacks. One when he woke up and realised where he was, and another because he was worried about upsetting you. He thinks you’re going to leave him. Now, if you _are_ going to leave him, I-”

“L-Leave him?” Connor stuttered, “Why would - Why would I _leave_ him?” 

“His recovery isn’t going to be easy, it’ll be-” 

“I don’t care,” Connor snapped, “I’m not - I’m not _leaving_ him. Never,” 

“Okay,” Doctor Brown said quietly, “Okay. You can go and see him now,” 

Connor wanted to argue about how Kevin really, _really_ shouldn’t be treated by a male Doctor, but he suddenly couldn’t think of much but finally seeing him again. They had only been apart for one night, but it had somehow felt much longer. 

All that he had been thinking about all night was seeing Kevin again, but as he made his way over to the room, he began to dread it. What was he even meant to say to him? Asking if he was okay seemed stupid, because the answer seemed more than obvious, but acting as though the reason that they were in the ICU wasn’t because Kevin had tried to kill himself. 

He paused outside of the door for a moment, wondering if hospital etiquette required him to knock or not. His anxiety about this was short lived by someone inside of the room opening it for him, shouting over their shoulder as they did. 

“-I’ll go and call, find out where he- _Jesus Christ!”_

Even though Connor had watched the door open and watched the nurse turn around to look at him, he still jumped. She put a hand on her heart and exhaled. 

“Are you Connor? Please tell me you’re Connor,” 

“Yeah,” Connor said, “Is he in there? Can I see him?”

“Yep. I’m Louisa, by the way. I’m going to be his nurse when we move him up to the psych ward. I thought I should introduce myself before he moves,” she said, flashing him a grin before she stood to the side to let him in, “See you tomorrow, probably,” 

Connor waved his goodbye, thankful that she, at least, seemed like a medical professional who knew what she was doing - unlike another that he had not been able to stop thinking about. 

He slowly closed the door behind him, taking his time in turning around. He wasn’t sure if it was because he didn't want to startle Kevin, or because he didn’t want to see him. He chose to believe that it was the former, but deep down knew that it was because of the latter. 

When he did eventually turn around, Kevin wasn’t looking at him. He was sitting up in bed, fiddling with the cannula in his nose, his head turned towards the wall. Connor noted a hickey that he had left just two days before, but it seemed like a lifetime ago. That Connor and Kevin were long gone. 

He hovered by the door for a moment before swallowing his fear and walking over to the chair that he had been sat in for hours the previous day. Kevin still didn’t look at him, and Connor wasn’t sure what he was meant to do. He was half hoping for a Doctor or a Nurse to walk in so they could take over the conversation. 

“Kev - Kevin. I...I love you,” Connor said finally, because it was the only thing that he could think. 

In a minute that contained an eternity, Kevin slowly turned his head to look at him and Connor just about managed to suppress a look of shock, because it wasn’t like looking at Kevin. His skin was grey and lifeless, and his usually bright eyes so dull Connor felt as though he was looking right through him. Their eyes met for a minute before Kevin turned to look up at the ceiling, 

“Can I - Can I touch you?” Connor asked, his voice hushed. 

Kevin nodded and moved his hand a little, which Connor understood as a request to only touch his hand. Slowly, Connor put his hand over his, careful not to nudge whatever was sticking out of the back of it. 

It was an hour before Kevin spoke. In that hour, Connor would say something, _anything,_ in a stupid attempt to get him to speak. He’d remind him that he loved him, or tell him that James and Chris loved him too, and so did Arnold and Nabulungi, and that they all missed him. Kevin never reacted anytime he said anything, and he was trying to not take that to heart. 

“I’m sorry,” Kevin said. 

His voice was croaky and sounded like it did when he woke up in the morning just a little bit hungover. Connor pressed his lips together and looked down at their hands, shaking his head. He couldn’t verbalise it; he was _beyond_ pissed off that Kevin had done this to himself, but he wasn’t pissed off _at_ Kevin, and he didn’t want him to apologise. There was someone out there who Connor wanted an apology off, but he wasn’t quite sure who yet. He wasn’t sure if it was the General, or the President of the Church, or Kevin’s family, or _himself_ or all of Kevin’s colleagues and professors who had missed this. 

“You don’t need to apolo-” 

“I didn’t mean to survive,” Kevin said, “Sorry,” 

Connor’s neck snapped up to look at Kevin, eyes wide. He was looking at him again, but Connor wished that he wasn’t. He looked _dead._

“W-What?” 

“I didn’t mean to survive,” Kevin repeated, “I didn’t want you to...to deal with all of this,” he gestured vaguely to himself, “Sorry,” 

“N-No,” Connor whispered, sitting up in his chair, “No, Kev, I - I _want_ you to survive. I _need_ you to survive, and so do Chris and James and Arnold and Naba,” 

Kevin frowned at him, and that simple action brought the tiniest bit of life back into his face. He turned back to the ceiling and wrinkled his nose, the cannula obviously causing him discomfort. Connor was glad that he hadn’t tried to rip that, or anything else that was connected to him, out. Perhaps he was passed caring. 

“I’m scared,” Kevin whispered, “I don’t like it here. I want to go home,” 

Connor felt his bottom lip tremble but he forced himself to stay together for Kevin, “I know, baby. I want you to come home, too,” 

“There’s too many people. And they - they always _touch_ me and - and ask me questions. I don’t like it,” 

“I know,” Connor said, “I know you don’t like it, but it - it’s not going to be forever, and then you can come home and we can - we can start again,” 

Kevin fell silent after this, and Connor chose to believe that it was because he was tired, and not because he didn’t want to start again. 

“Chris and James are downstairs, do you want to see them? Arnold and Naba too, I think,” 

“No,” Kevin whispered, “No, I - I don’t want to see anyone,” 

“Do you...Do you want me to leave you alone?” 

“No,” Kevin said quickly, “They said - They said they were gonna come back in later and I don’t want to - I don’t want to be on my own,” 

Connor nodded and he quickly texted Chris to tell him that there was no point in them staying any longer because he didn’t think that Kevin wanted anymore visitors. He didn’t really think that he wanted _him_ there.

Kevin turned back to stare at the ceiling, and Connor didn’t know where to look; his eyes were constantly flickering between Kevin’s face and their hands, wanting to talk about anything but the elephant in the room. Really, he needed Chris and James to be there, because they had both been blessed with the ability to make even the most awkward situations bearable. (Connor knew that it was a product of their quite horrible upbringings, but it was a skill that would be appreciated at that moment). 

When the door slid open, he felt Kevin tense next to him. Connor smiled as Doctor Brown walked into the room and pulled up a chair besides Kevin. 

“Hey, bud. How are you feeling?” 

Kevin shrugged, still staring up at the ceiling, “Fine,” 

“We’re going to move you up to the Psych ward tomorrow morning,” he told him, “but first I’m going to take this out of your nose, see how you’re feeling without it. Can I?” 

Kevin shook his head frantically and moved closer to Connor, gripping onto his hand. Doctor Brown inched a little closer and Kevin almost fell out of bed trying to get away, only to be stopped by Connor quickly steadying him. 

“Go away, go away, go away,” Kevin whispered, pulling his knees to his chest and resting his forehead on top of them, “Leave me alone. I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I don’t want it.” 

Doctor Brown's eyes flickered over to Connor, who was trying his level best to not start snapping about how he should have just _listened_ to him in the first place. When Doctor Brown put his hand on Kevin’s shoulder, he lashed out, smacking his hand away

“ _Get away!”_ He yelled. 

“Can I take it out for him?” Connor asked quietly, fighting the urge to say _I told you so_. 

He didn’t wait for Doctor Brown’s permission and gently nudged Kevin until he looked up at him, face stricken with pure fear. Connor swallowed and forced a smile onto his face, hoping against hope that Kevin would return the smile. He didn’t. 

“Can I?” Connor asked. 

Kevin nodded, his eyes following Connor’s every movement as he slowly lifted his hands to his face. He flinched when Connor carefully unhooked the wire from his ears and gently pulled the cannula from his nose. Kevin stared at him for a fraction of a moment, and Connor thought that maybe he was going to lean in for a kiss before he looked away again. 

“Feeling good?” Doctor Brown asked. 

Kevin nodded, rubbing his nose and somehow even moving closer to Connor, one leg hanging off the side of the bed. 

“Good,” Doctor Brown smiled, “I’m going to get you food, anything in particular?” 

Eating didn’t go nearly as well as Connor had expected it to. Kevin managed a record breaking two chips before he vomited. Connor sighed and stroked his hand up and down his back as he breathed deeply through his nose, wiping his face with shaking hands. 

“When was the last time you ate something?” Doctor Brown asked. 

Kevin shook his head and then mumbled something under his breath. Doctor Brown looked to Connor for help, but he couldn’t really offer much. 

“I don’t - I don’t know. I had to leave for work earlier than usual. I, um...we were performing on GMA and then I - then I spent the day with some...some of the cast before the show,” Connor muttered, feeling like the world's worst boyfriend, “I wasn’t there...” 

“It’s been nearly a week,” Kevin whispered, but only so Connor could hear, “Sorry.” 

“A week,” Connor repeated faintly, “He hasn’t...not for - not for a week,” 

“Is this a new thing or not?” Doctor Brown asked. 

Kevin shook his head and Connor felt his blood run cold. 

“I think we should try a feeding tube,” Doctor Brown said. 

Kevin tensed next to Connor and he looked up at him, shaking his head with frantic eyes. Doctor Brown looked between the two of them for a moment and then sighed, getting to his feet. 

“I’ll leave you to discuss it,” 

Connor smiled at him as he left the room and then turned back to Kevin, gently brushing his fingers through his fringe until he flinched away. He tried to not get offended, but it had been a long time since Kevin could not deal with even the simplest of touches from him. 

“Hey, a feeding tube wouldn’t be so-” 

“Do you know what one is?” Kevin asked, a hint of impatience in his voice. 

“Uh...no,” Connor admitted, “but if it helps-” 

“I don’t want one!” Kevin snapped, ripping his hand out of Connor’s grip, “ _Jesus,_ Connor, I’m not a child. I can make up my own mind,” 

Connor bit his lip and looked down at his lap, fiddling with a piece of thread at the bottom of his - _Kevin’s_ \- jumper. He didn’t think that this visit would be fun, but he had been expecting Kevin to be a little more... _Kevin._ Part of him had been expecting Kevin to be okay the moment that he saw him, but that had been perhaps a little naive. They were in this for the long haul, and Connor was already debating quitting the show and finding a job where he could work from home and be with Kevin. 

“I’m sorry,” Kevin said, “I’m not mad at you,” 

“It’s okay,” Connor said, slowly standing up, “I’m going to the bathroom. I’ll be right back,” 

Kevin nodded wordlessly, watching as he left the room. As soon as Connor walked into the bathroom, he crumbled. He leaned heavily against the sink, the sob that had been bubbling to the surface tearing through his throat. He couldn’t stop replaying the moment that Kevin had apologised for surviving over and over again in his head, because it told him the one thing that he had always known but always ignored - Kevin didn't want to be alive. 

The door opening brought him back to his senses, and his age old ability to turn it off came in handy again. He quickly straightened up and wiped his eyes, pretending to recover from a coughing fit. The man who walked into the bathroom barely looked at him as he slipped into a cubicle, and Connor supposed that he was probably too worried about whoever he was visiting.

Once he had caught his breath and splashed water until it looked like he hadn’t been crying, he walked back out into the ward and immediately tensed when he heard raised voices from Kevin’s room. 

“N-No! No! Stop it! Get off me! I don’t want it! I don’t want it!” 

Connor took off running at once, skidding to a halt outside of Kevin’s room when he saw two of the nurses - the _male nurses_ \- trying to restrain him. Kevin looked over the nurses shoulders, his face tear-tracked and sweaty, shouting for Connor and begging for his help. 

“G-Get him off me! I don’t - I don’t like it!” 

“Dude, _dude!”_ Connor exclaimed, trying to put on his best heterosexual man voice that Kevin always laughed at him for, “Stop it! Get off him!” 

The nurse ducked out of the way as Kevin swung for him, now sobbing hysterically and trying to get out of bed even though the nurses were on either side. 

“Connor! Connor! S-Stop them!” 

And even though Connor had always been one to respect nurses, he was not above grabbing one of them by the back of his scrubs and yanking him away from Kevin. 

“Sorry,” Connor said hastily, batting the other one's hands away, “He’s scared of hospitals and - and I - I said no male doctors or nurses!” 

Kevin whimpered and lurched across the bed, burying his face in Connor’s stomach, his hands curled into fists at the back of his jumper. Connor sighed and carefully placed one hand on the back of his head, and the other on his back. 

“Doctor Brown said he couldn’t find any female nurses so we might as well do it,” one of the Nurses said. 

“Doctor Brown should know better!” Connor snapped, quickly lowering his voice when he felt Kevin tense against him, “Do you - Do you need something?” 

“He needs an NG tube,” 

Connor frowned as he perched on the edge of the bed and let Kevin cuddle into him however he needed. It took quite a bit of shuffling around, but he eventually settled on turning his back on the nurses and hiding his face in Connor’s neck, his arms wrapped around his stomach. 

“A feeding tube,” the other one supplied, “It goes through his nose, down his throat and into his stomach. He can’t keep any food down,” 

Connor looked down at Kevin, he was visibly shaking and crying so much that he couldn’t quite catch his breath. He unconsciously tightened his arms around him, because whilst he still might not have been entirely sure what one was, he didn't think that it would be something that Kevin would be okay with. 

“We’ll go and get a female nurse,” 

When they had left the room, Connor gently nudged Kevin until he was sitting up straight again; he was breathing heavily and somehow seemed weaker despite the fact that he was grabbing onto Connor’s arms so tightly that it hurt. 

“D-Don’t let them,” Kevin whispered frantically, “I don’t want it. I don’t want anything,” 

“You need to eat, love,” Connor said quietly, brushing his hair out of his face, “And then - And then you get stronger and you can come home,” 

Kevin slumped against his pillows picking at the skin around his nails. 

“I don’t want to be alive, Connor,” 

The world stopped for a moment as Kevin’s words hung heavy in the air. Connor looked over at him, expecting him to be staring up at the ceiling, but Kevin was staring right back at him. His eyes were alive again, alight with the same determination that Connor was so used to seeing. Though he wished that it was because he was determined to ace an upcoming test or do the three shots of tequila that were sat in front of him. 

“Is that why you don’t want to eat?” 

Kevin blinked at him for a moment and then shrugged. 

Connor stared at Kevin, all of the signs that he had missed suddenly becoming glaringly obvious; food had been lasting a lot longer than it usually did, Kevin had stopped wanting to go out for dinner and he had lost _so_ much weight, but he had been on a _‘diet’_ and had been going to a gym that Connor realised he didn’t even have a membership for. 

He had become so blinded by his career, so determined to drag himself up to a principal role that he hadn’t even noticed his boyfriend was struggling. Or maybe he _had_ noticed all these things and had been too selfish to care, making himself feel better by telling himself that he would be fine because he was at therapy. 

“I’m sorry,” Connor whispered, “I’m _so_ sorry,” 

Whatever reply Kevin had for him - if any - was cut off by a smiling, _female,_ nurse walking into the room. Kevin shrank away from her, his eyes darting between her and Connor. 

“Hello, my name is Lea, I’m going to put your feeding tube in,” 

Kevin shook his head frantically, fingers digging into Connor’s hand, “N-No. Don’t - Don’t let her,” 

“Hey, bud, I know it’s scary, but it’s for the best,” she said kindly, handing him some water, “Your boyfriend can stay with you,” 

Connor looked at the nurse almost pityingly. It was sweet, really, that she thought that his presence could be enough to let her stick something down his throat. She frowned a little and moved closer to him, hesitantly sitting down on the very edge of the bed. 

“Why are you scared?” 

Kevin looked between her and Connor for a few seconds before his gaze finally settled on Lea. He sat up a little straighter, though still sat close to Connor. 

“C-Cause, I don’t - I don’t know what you’re really doing. He never - He never told me what he w-was doing, he just - he just did it and then he - then he laughed,” Kevin muttered. 

“If I tell you exactly what it is I’m going to do, will you let me?” she asked, and Connor was glad that she had not asked exactly what Kevin was talking about. 

“Okay,” Kevin said, voice so small it was barely audible. 

Connor didn’t really listen as she explained everything, too busy focusing on Kevin. He moved to sit right beside him on the bed, legs crossed underneath him. Kevin, whether consciously or not, leaned into him as Lea showed him the tube and explained how it would fit on his face. In a way that was completely selfish, it made Connor feel better, because it was almost like Kevin wasn’t completely lost, like there was a part of him - no matter how small - that was still like the Kevin he had fallen in love with. 

“Can you tip your head back a little for me?” Lea asked, “There’s no way to make this feel comfortable, but once it’s in, you’ll get used to it,” 

Kevin nodded and lifted his head up, chewing his bottom lip. He whimpered a little as she began inserting it in his nose, a tear slipping down his cheek. Connor tried his best to keep him comfortable, stroking the back of his head, rubbing circles into the back of his hand, but he knew that none of it would be helping. 

“There we go,” Lea said quietly, taping the tube to his cheekbone, “All done. How are you feeling?”

“Uncomfortable,” Kevin muttered, wrinkling his nose, “How long do I have to have this for?”

“We’re going to take it on a day by day basis,” she said, and Connor had a feeling that this wasn’t what Kevin had wanted to hear. 

By the time visiting hours had come to an end, Kevin had closed off again and was back to staring blankly at the wall. Lea came back to tell Connor that he needed leave, but was more than welcome to come back the next day when Kevin had been moved to a psych ward. 

“I’m going home now,” Connor said, “but I’ll be back first thing tomorrow,” 

Kevin nodded silently, and Connor chanced leaning forward to press a kiss to his forehead. This was probably the longest that they had ever been without actually kissing each other, and Connor had not realised how much he had relied on that simple pleasure. 

“I love you,” Connor whispered, even though he knew he wouldn’t hear it back. 

He had planned on leaving the hospital as quickly as possible, but was stopped on the way out by Doctor Daniels. It took Connor a moment to recognise him as Kevin’s psychiatrist and was trying to think of the nicest way to tell him to fuck off. 

“How is he?” he asked, “I’m going to see him now, get him ready for his move,” 

“ _Terrible,”_ Connor said, even though he had meant to say ‘fine’, “He had two panic attacks before I got here, and then Doctor _fucking_ Brown thought that it would be a bright idea to have two male nurses put a feeding tube in for him!” 

“A feeding tube?” Doctor Daniels asked. 

“He won’t eat,” Connor said, his voice shaking, “Hasn’t been for months, apparently. And I - I haven’t even noticed. _How_ could I have not noticed?” 

Doctor Daniels sighed, “I don’t want you blaming yourself for this, Connor. From the few conversations I’ve had with him, he seems quite intelligent. He probably found it quite easy,” 

“He _is_ intelligent,” Connor said, “I don’t understand half the things he talks to me about when he talks about his degree. I sort of just...nod along,” 

“Have you told his professors?” Doctor Daniels asked. 

“No, I should - I should call or -“ 

“Leave it to me,” he said quickly, “Did you say he goes to NYU? I know some of the professors there,” 

“Thank-you,” Connor said, he could not think of anything worse than having to tell Kevin’s professors about what he had done, “He’ll probably be worried about...about trying to catch up,” 

“If it serves as a distraction, I don’t see anything wrong with it,” Doctor Daniels said, “Will you bring him a bag of things tomorrow? Clothes, toothbrush, deodorant, books, video games, whatever. Anything to keep him entertained,” 

Connor nodded, “Y-Yeah. I’ll - I’ll go back to the apartment tomorrow,” 

“Thanks, Connor. I’ll see you tomorrow,” 

When Connor finally made it out of the hospital, he passed by two missionaries and he suddenly realised who he was most angry at. 

“Hasa Diga Eebowai,” he whispered as he hailed a cab. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!! 
> 
> Again, sorry this is so depressing


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: talk of suicidal thoughts

In the midst of everything, Connor had forgotten about Arnold and how difficult everything must be for him. 

Connor walked into Chris and James’ living room the next morning to him sobbing hysterically on the sofa, Nabulungi gently running her fingers through his hair as silent tears slipped down her face. He froze in the doorway, wondering if something awful had happened to Kevin overnight before Chris quickly reassured him that it was nothing to do with Kevin. Not directly, anyway. 

“He keeps on having nightmares,” he said in a low voice, “about finding him,” 

Connor found that he couldn’t quite look at Arnold, and instead focused his gaze on Nabulungi’s hand. There was something  _ tragic  _ about watching someone as usually bright and cheerful as Arnold fall apart in such a way. It was made even worse knowing that before this, Arnold  _ never  _ had nightmares. He was the only member of District 9 who had never come crying to him because of a Hell dream. 

“Maybe it’d - maybe it’d be better if he saw him,” Chris said quietly. 

“He doesn’t want to see you guys,” Connor whispered, watching as James, who had taken over the role as Mom friend, crouched down in front of Arnold and tried to coax him with a glass of water, “I don’t even think he wants to see  _ me,” _

“He can’t avoid us forever,” Chris said. 

Connor wanted to point out that if Kevin wanted to do something, he would do it, no matter how unrealistic it seemed but instead just nodded. He supposed there was nothing wrong with them coming to the hospital with him - not that he had really wanted to go on his own, anyway - and maybe Kevin needed to see Arnold as much as Arnold needed to see him. 

“We’ll see what he says,” Connor said quietly. 

The wait to go to the hospital was nothing short of painful. Connor could barely sit still and kept on walking to and from the kitchen in a desperate attempt to burn off some of his nervous energy. It would work for all of 2 minutes before he had to stand up again and repeat the routine until Chris snapped at him to stop before he broke his legs. 

When Kevin’s phone - that Connor had, for some reason, been carrying around with him - lit up with a reminder that he had set, Connor almost had (another) breakdown. 

**_Reminder: New Villager today!!!! (Stitches)_ **

At first, Connor had no idea what it meant and wondered if it was something that Kevin had written when he was drunk. It was only after he had read it for the second time that everything slid into place. 

“New villager day,” Connor muttered, jumping to his feet in search of Kevin’s Nintendo Switch, “New villager day!” 

“Oh,  _ enough  _ with that Animal Crossing!” Nabulungi groaned, “Arnold talks to those villagers more than he talks to me!” 

“Who does that remind me of?” James muttered, eyes flickering over to Chris. 

Connor was less interested in Chris and Arnold valuing a video game over their partners and more interested in trying to figure out how  _ exactly  _ he was meant to find this stupid villager for Kevin. He had lost count of the amount of times he had lay with his head in Kevin’s lap whilst he played the game and gave Connor a running commentary as he went, but none of that seemed helpful when he had to play the game on his own. 

“ _ This fucking Tom Nook, asking me for all this money...2.5 million bells to upgrade my house! In this economy? Please! If I could kill him, I really think I would. I’d just drop kick into the sea,”  _

“Kevin has room for another villager, but can I ask someone else to move out? Because there’s this one called Tom Nook who he hates and-“ Connor broke off when Chris started laughing, “what?” 

“You can’t move Tom Nook off the island. He  _ owns  _ the island,” Chris snickered, “Come on, I’ll help you,”

“I thought Kevin owned the island...” Connor pouted, genuinely upset at the notion that Kevin possibly didn’t own the fake island that he had worked so hard on. 

It turned out that watching his boyfriend play Animal Crossing was a lot more fun than actually having to play it himself, especially because the act of hunting for the very specific villager he wanted wasn’t all that entertaining. One hour in, James hesitantly suggested finding another villager that he liked, because this could take a while and they had to be at the hospital in two hours. 

“No!” Connor exclaimed, “He wanted Stuffings!”

“Stitches,” Arnold corrected him, still sniffling like he was recovering from the flu. 

“No one is leaving this apartment until we find Stitches.” Connor said firmly. 

It took almost two hours to finally find Stitches who turned out to be an odd multi-coloured teddy bear. Connor didn’t really see the appeal, but was far too relieved at finding the bear to actually care. He wasn't stupid, he knew that Kevin wasn’t go to be cured of his mental illnesses because of a Nintendo game, but Connor wasn’t ready to rule out that it wouldn’t  _ help  _ at the very least. 

The cab journey to the hospital was done in silence, Connor’s glee at finding Stitches fading the closer they got there. He couldn’t think of anything he hated more than the thought of Kevin on a psych ward. He didn’t belong there. 

“I’ll go up first,” Connor said, mainly to Arnold, “and then I’ll - I’ll text you when he’s ready to see you...”

“We’ll go and get coffee,” Nabulungi told him, tugging Arnold in the direction of the canteen. 

Connor did all the breathing exercises he could think of as he walked up to the psych ward, but every single one seemed to make him hyperventilate even more. As he walked through the blindingly white corridors, he couldn’t understand why  _ anyone  _ would want to work at a hospital. Kevin always said it was because he wanted to help people, felt like he was  _ called  _ to do that. Connor just hoped that his call to help others was louder than the call to stop living. 

Doctor Daniels was waiting for him by the nurses station when he got there, smiling as pleasantly as he always was. Connor wasn’t sure that there was much to smile about. 

“I spoke to his Professors, they’ll support him in catching up,” he told him. 

Connor nodded, “Okay. Good. Is he - is he okay?” 

The smile melting off Doctor Daniels face told him all he needed to know. 

“He hasn’t slept much. Cried a lot and had a few panic attacks. He’s missing you,” 

“I don’t understand,” Connor said, “They told me that in the ICU but when I got there it was like he didn’t want me to be there!” 

“He’s embarrassed, Connor,” Daniels said, “It’s perfectly normal. He just needs to get used to you again, and understand that you’re not angry at him. Of course, if you  _ are  _ angry-“ 

“I’m not,” Connor said quickly, “I can’t - I can’t blame him for this. I know he did it to himself but it - he wasn’t being selfish, was he? He did it because...because he felt like he had no other option.” 

Doctor Daniels smiled and clapped him on the back, “With this kind of support behind him, he’ll be okay. I really believe that. Do you want to see him?” 

Connor nodded and hoisted the backpack of all of Kevin’s things higher onto his shoulder, following the Doctor to a room in the far corner of the ward. He was grateful that it was set back from most other rooms, the less people Kevin could see, the better. 

“Hey, Kevin. You’ve got a visitor,” 

The first thing Connor noticed was how this room looked much more comfortable and homely than the one in the ICU. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was aware that this was probably because Kevin was going to be there a while, but he chose to ignore that thought. 

The second thing he noticed was that he didn’t look much better than he had done the previous day. Connor wasn’t sure why he thought that one night away from the ICU would make everything better, but he had hoped that Kevin wouldn’t look so...dead. 

He was sitting cross legged in the middle of his bed, shoulders slumped as he fiddled with some thread at the bottom of his too small t-shirt that must have been from lost property. His hair was messier than he would have ever let it get under any other circumstances, and the bags under his eyes were more severe than they had been in a long time. If Connor ignored the feeding tube - and he was trying his very best to - he looked exactly like he did in those first few months after his assault. Maybe it was better to look at the feeding tube. 

“Hi,” Connor said quietly. 

Kevin mumbled something under his breath that Connor didn’t quite catch, and he didn’t want to push him too much. Connor sighed and slowly sat down in the chair by the bed. Their eyes met for a moment before Kevin looked away, staring back up at the ceiling. 

“Do you, um...Do you want to change your clothes?” Connor said, “I brought you some. And your Switch and your Tamogotchi. Oh, also some text books in case you wanted to study for some weird reason, but I know what you’re like. And -” he broke off when he realised that Kevin was just staring at him, “Sorry. Am I - Am I overwhelming you?” 

“Can I change my clothes?” 

Connor nodded and quickly handed him the bag, trying not to get too offended when he realised that Kevin had probably zoned out after the first thing that he had said to him. 

When Kevin started to pull his t-shirt over his head, Connor immediately looked away, his cheeks turning pink. For some reason, Connor didn’t think that he was allowed to look anymore, that all the progress they had made with intimacy had been thrown out of the window. 

“Why won’t you look at me?” 

Connor’s head snapped up to look at Kevin, now just sitting in his t-shirt and underwear. He looked tiny. 

“I - I didn’t think you would want me to...do you?”

“I don’t - I don’t know,” Kevin whispered, pulling his jogging bottoms on, “I’m not sure about anything anymore,” 

“That’s - That’s okay,” Connor said, “We’ll...We’ll work everything out...” 

Kevin nodded and turned his attention back to the bag that was sat on the bed, his facial expression almost completely blank as he did. He paused when he pulled out two of his textbooks, staring down at them as though he had never seen them before. 

“I thought that...I thought that you might want to...study,” Connor said.

“No,” Kevin said, dropping them to the bed, “I don’t think I want to,”

“Not right now,” Connor said, “but maybe when you’re...you’re feeling a bit better?” 

“I don’t want to study anymore,” Kevin repeated, “I think I’m going to drop out of college,” 

Connor dropped his gaze to his lap, chewing on his lip. Kevin suddenly not wanting to go to university did not fill him with much hope for the future, for  _ their  _ future. Connor’s dream life for the two of them, the one where he was a (Tony Awarding winning) actor, and Kevin was a Doctor, seemed like it was nothing more than a pipe dream. 

He looked back up at Kevin and quickly wiped his eyes before he noticed. 

“Arnold’s here,” Connor said, “And everyone else. They want to see you,” 

Kevin nodded, “Okay,” 

Connor wished that he hadn’t spent so much time watching stupid feel good moves, because real life was never the same. When Arnold burst into the room, Connor was convinced that Kevin would jump back into his old self; that he and Arnold would be snuggled up together and making stupid jokes that no one else would understand before the day was out. 

He watched Kevin’s face carefully, but it remained unnervingly blank and he didn't even react when Arnold greeted him with his usual cheerful ‘ _ Hey buddy!’ _ . Connor stood up from his seat beside his bed and let Arnold sit there instead. 

“Are you okay?” Chris whispered when Connor sat next to him on the couch. 

“Fine,” Connor mumbled. 

He kept his eyes locked on Kevin who, at the very least, was looking at Arnold. Though it wasn’t like watching Kevin and Arnold. Usually, they were loud, occasionally obnoxious, and always confusing those around them with bizarre inside jokes. Now, they were sitting in silence. Every feeble attempt at making conversation from Arnold was ignored by Kevin who had stopped looking at him. 

“Do you think we should leave him alone?” Nabulungi asked in a low voice, “I think Connor is right. I don’t think that he wants us here,” 

Before Connor could agree, Kevin spoke. 

“It was you, wasn’t it?” 

“What do you mean, bud?” Arnold asked. 

“You found me,” 

For perhaps the first time in his life, Arnold Cunningham was rendered speechless. James swore quietly under his breath whilst Chris suddenly found the ceiling to be quite interesting. Nabulungi opened her mouth as though she was going to say something and then closed it again, looking over at Connor as though  _ he  _ knew what he was meant to say. 

“I’m sorry,” Kevin said, “I didn’t think,” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Arnold said quickly, “because - because you’re alive and that’s...that’s all any of us want,” 

Kevin shrugged and turned back to the bag that Connor had packed for him, rifling through it. He raised his eyebrows as he pulled his Switch out, his eyes flickering over to Connor who suddenly realised that relying on Animal Crossing to save his suicidal boyfriend was more than a little stupid. 

“I...I was supposed to get a new villager today,” Kevin said. 

“Connor found him for you,” Chris said, “Stitches,” 

Kevin didn’t say anything, and Connor was forcefully reminded that pinning his hope on a video game was silly. 

Still, it wasn’t nearly as bad as Connor had expected it to be. Kevin didn’t speak or do much - both his Switch and Tamogatchi lay untouched on the bed besides his textbooks - but he at least seemed somewhat interested in the conversation. His gaze switched to whoever was talking, and his face wasn’t completely blank. 

He didn’t even react when Connor hesitantly sat at the end of the bed. At first, he had sat at the very top of the bed on the pillows, before he slowly moved down until he was sitting in the middle, their knees just about touching. Connor supposed that that was a good thing. 

“I don’t know why you’re all still here,” Kevin said, breaking his silence after nearly three hours. 

“We don’t want you to be alone, Kevin,” Nabulungi said gently, “We don’t mind,” 

“ _ I  _ mind,” Kevin said, “I don’t want to be here,” 

“We know you don’t,” James said, his voice shaking a little, “but...but it’s better than being alone, isn’t it?” 

“No, I meant - I meant I don’t want to be _ here _ . I don’t want to be alive,” Kevin said, “and I don’t want any of you here with me. You’re not making it any easier,” 

Arnold very quickly stood up from his chair and left the room, head bowed and shoulders shaking as he sobbed. Nabulungi followed him, the door sliding shut behind them. Connor glanced over at Chris and James out of the corner of his eye, both of them wearing matching expressions of horror. 

“Kev,” Chris said quietly, “You don’t - You don’t mean that,” 

“No, I do,” Kevin said, “Did you all think that a video game and my textbooks would make all this go away? That it would erase everything that’s ever happened to me?” 

“Of course not,” James said quickly, “but we - we’re trying to help you, buddy!” 

“If you want to help me, let me die!” 

Connor had never liked shouting. He had never really done it when he was District Leader, and had certainly never shouted at  _ Kevin  _ of all people. The incident with the General had left him terrified of angry voices, and Connor had always gone out of his way to make sure that he wasn’t triggering his boyfriend.

But something in him suddenly switched. It might have been lack of sleep or just sheer desperation to get Kevin to see that there was life waiting for him. That this didn’t have to be the end for him, for  _ them.  _

“No!” Connor snapped, “No, I can’t do that! You’re being selfish, Kevin!”

Kevin jumped and leaned away from him slightly. Chris gasped and James tried to quieten him with a hissed, _"_ _ Connor! _ ”. 

“You have got _so_ much to live for! Why are you so hellbent on throwing it all away?” Connor asked furiously, “You have so much waiting for you!” 

“Like what, Connor?” Kevin asked, life suddenly coming back to him, “I work a shitty minimum wage job, I’m probably not going to go to med-school after this so fuck knows what I’m going to do with my life and all my family turned their back on me! What have I got?” 

“ _ Me _ !” Connor yelled, taking himself by surprise, “Do I mean nothing to you anymore? I’ve given up everything for you, Kevin! My family disowned me because I chose you over them! Am I not enough to live for?“ 

Kevin looked away from him, “I didn’t ask you to do any of that for me,” 

“I know,” Connor said, “but I did it because I love you and I would do it all over again. I would do  _ anything _ for you,” 

“I don’t want you to!” Kevin exclaimed, “I want to die, Connor! Why can’t you understand?” 

“Because I love you and I don’t want to lose you!” Connor exclaimed, “We have so much to look forward to! We have an entire life together to look forward to! I’m not letting you throw it all away!” 

“Leave me alone,” Kevin said. 

“Kev-“ 

“ _ Leave me alone! _ ”

Everything that happened after that was a blur; Kevin suddenly jumped out of bed and started tearing the room apart. He dragged the covers off the bed and threw them to the floor, almost ripping the thin blanket in half. James yelped and hastily ran from the room, dragging Chris with him who was yelling for Connor to follow him. 

“Kev! Kevin!” Connor shouted, “S-Stop it! Stop!” 

Kevin ignored him as he kicked the laundry basket over and snatched up the bag, yanking whatever remained inside out and throwing it to the floor. He grabbed his Switch off the bed and launched it across the room, Connor watching in horror as it hit the wall and slid to the ground. 

Behind him, the door slid open and Doctor Daniels hurried in, ducking underneath a can of deodorant that Kevin had launched his way. 

“ _ GET AWAY!”  _ Kevin yelled, backing into the wall, “ _ DON’T TOUCH ME! DON’T TOUCH ME!”  _

“Alright, Alright,” Doctor Daniels said calmly, “I’m not going to-“

_ “JUST LET ME DIE! I DON’T WANNA BE HERE ANYMORE!”  _

Kevin was all but screaming now, and Connor couldn’t move for fear that he might try and do something stupid. Doctor Daniel’s tugging on his arm and firm requests to  _ get out of the room, Connor,  _ were completely ignored because leaving Kevin when he was in this state seemed like the worst thing that he could do. 

Just as Connor took a step towards him, because he was still operating under the stupid illusion that he actually wanted him there, Kevin snatched one of his textbooks off the bed and threw it. Connor watched as it hurtled directly towards him but he had not been blessed with fast reflexes. It cracked against his cheekbone and fell to the floor with a dull thud that could barely be heard over Kevin’s yelling. 

“Alright.  _ Out _ ,” Doctor Daniels said, his voice much harsher than Connor was used to hearing, “I need nurses in here!  _ Female  _ nurses!” he added hastily. 

Two nurses brushed past Connor as they hurried into the room, speaking soothing words to Kevin that he knew would be pointless. Connor fought against Doctor Daniels as he pushed him out of the room, sobbing because if Kevin needed anyone, it was  _ him _ . 

“Louisa!” Daniels said, “Take Connor for me,” 

Connor felt a smaller, much softer hand close around his wrist and pulled him away from Kevin’s room, and away from the sounds of him screaming the hospital down. 

“Let me see your cheek, Connor,” Louisa said as she pushed him down onto the bed. 

“L-Later,” Connor mumbled, trying to get up off the bed, “Kevin, I need - I need to see him. Let me - Let me see him,” 

Louisa grabbed his arms and sat him back down, showing an outrageous amount of strength for someone who couldn’t have been much taller than 5ft. His shock momentarily distracted him from Kevin, giving Louisa the chance to start cleaning the cut. He jerked away from her, holding his hand to his cheek. 

“ _ Ouch,”  _

“Sorry. I don’t want it getting infected,” she said, gently pulling his hand away from his face, “It’s quite deep. How did it happen?”

“Don’t use stitches! I’m scared of needles,” Connor said quickly when she turned around to get something out of a drawer. 

“Steri-Strips!” Louisa said brightly, turning back around and waving them about, “You didn’t answer my question. How did it happen? Your cheek?” 

“Oh. It was - It was Kevin. He threw a book at me,” 

Connor felt Louisa tense as she applied the Steri-Strip to his cheek, and he couldn’t work out why until she asked him the next question. 

“Has this happened before?” 

“No,” Connor said, worried that he had said it too quickly for it to be believable, because Kevin had never,  _ would never,  _ do anything like that to him, “I swear. He - He hates violence. He doesn’t even - He never gets angry. We don’t even  _ fight.  _ Not even when I forget to take the trash out which is all the time and - and -” 

“Okay, okay, I believe you,” Louisa said soothingly, squeezing his shoulder, “I’m not accusing Kevin of anything. I just need to make sure that you’re safe, too. I’m here to help you just as much as I am here to help Kevin,” 

Connor nodded and wiped his eyes as Louisa finished applying the Steri-Strips to his cheek. He sniffled and looked down at his hands, the look of pure terror and  _ anger  _ on Kevin’s face emblazoned in the back of his mind. He had never seen him like that before - and hoped to never see it again. 

And it was strange, because Connor had often wished that Kevin would get angry, just for once. Ever since he had returned home from Uganda, he had taken all the anger that he should have felt (all the anger that  _ Connor  _ felt) and turned it into compassion. When Connor complained about the missionaries who had given them dirty looks because they had been holding hands, Kevin pointed out that they couldn’t get angry at them, because  _ they  _ had both been those missionaries once upon a time. When Connor got angry when Kevin’s family completely cut him off, he argued that there was no point in getting angry because he had always known that they were like that, and that he felt sorry for them because they were the ones who were missing out. 

“Connor?” 

He turned around at the sound of his name, not having the energy to smile at Doctor Daniels. 

“How are you feeling?” 

“Okay,” Connor said, “Where’s Kevin? Is he - Is he okay?” 

“Sleeping,” Doctor Daniels said, “We had to sedate him. Has anything like that ever happened before?” 

Connor shook his head, “No. He doesn’t - He’s scared of people getting angry. He can’t - Sometimes he can’t even watch it on TV. If there's characters having an argument we have to...we have to turn it over...” he sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face, “Do you...Do you know why he got like that?” 

"I don’t think it’s anything more than him struggling to cope with everything that’s happened,” Doctor Daniels said. 

“He said something about...about us all being there not helping,” Connor said, “I thought that....I thought that seeing Arnold again would - would help...” 

“He feels guilty, Connor. He’s seen all the pain that he’s put you through and he’s struggling to deal with it. He’s mentioned something about one of your friends and hospitals?” 

“Chris. His sister died a few years ago. He hates hospitals,” Connor said, “Does that...Does that mean I have to stop visiting him?” 

Doctor Daniels shook his head, “No. I think that maybe you shouldn’t see him all at once. Maybe go in pairs?”

Connor nodded and looked down at his lap, not much feeling like pointing out that they were already in pairs, the only problem was that his other half was in a hospital bed. He tutted to himself as the phrase ‘other half’ crossed his mind. Kevin hated it and was always quick to point out that they were already whole, and that they were just  _ enhancing  _ each other’s best features. Connor was always quick to point out that he was pretentious. 

“Do you know where the others went?” Connor asked, his mind flashing back to James rushing out of the room. 

“Canteen,” Doctor Daniels said, “I saw Chris go down with his boyfriend,” 

“I’ll walk down with him,” Louisa said, “I need snacks. Do you want anything, love?” 

“No, thank-you. I have something in the break room,” 

Louisa grinned at him as she helped Connor off the bed and led him out of the room. Connor frowned at the floor as they walked, trying to work out if work colleagues often talked to each other like that. He had only been away from work for three days, and it already felt like a lifetime. 

“Are you and Doctor Daniels...um...together?” 

“Engaged,” Louisa told him, “Stairs or elevator?”

“Stairs,” Connor said, “I need to...walk,” 

Louisa didn’t question him and headed straight for the stairs, “How long have you and Kevin been together?” 

“Since we were nineteen. Nearly three years...” Connor said, “He always says that I was his gay awakening,” 

“Sweet,” Louisa said, “Although, speaking as someone’s who’s in a relationship with a Doctor, you’ll never see him unless you actually work with him. When worked at different hospitals, we never saw each other,” 

“I work weird hours, too. I’m...I’m on Broadway. Les Mis,” he said, in response to her questioning look. 

For the first time ever, telling someone what he did for a living didn’t fill him with the same glee that it usually did. It had stopped becoming the one thing that he took the most pride in and had become a point of deep shame.

“Do you not enjoy it or something?” Louisa asked. 

“N-No, I do!” Connor said quickly, “I mean, I’m literally the stereotype of gay theatre kid. But I...I dropped out of NYU after I got Les Mis so...Kev and I didn’t see each other as much as we usually did. We used to be able to meet up for lunch and coffee and then - then I got distracted by 8 shows a week and - and everything else and I - I stopped paying attention to him...” 

“You’re allowed to have a life outside of Kevin, you know,” Louisa told him, “Your entire life can’t stop because he’s ill. You’ve been supportive of him and he loves you. I know he doesn’t show it to you, but I can tell. All he needs is time,” 

“I was going to propose to him,” Connor blurted, coming to a stop outside of the canteen doors, “This weekend... _ tomorrow.  _ We were going to go to a cabin in the Catskills mountains, just the two of us and then...then I was going to...I was going to ask,” 

Louisa sighed and squeezed his hand, “We’re going to do everything that we can to make sure that you get to ask him. I promise,” 

Connor nodded and whispered his thanks as they parted ways in the canteen, Chris calling him over. He walked over to the table slowly, sitting in the seat besides Nabulungi and immediately dropping his head onto her shoulder. 

“Is he okay?” she asked quietly, “Chris said he got angry,” 

“Trashed his room a bit,” Connor muttered, “Threw a book at me,” 

James’ head immediately snapped up to stare at me, “He  _ what? _ ”

“It was an accident. He was scared. Doctor Daniels had just come into the room and you know what he’s like about male Doctors,” Connor said quickly, “It wasn’t - It wasn’t like  _ that _ ,” his eyes flickered over to Arnold, who was staring at the table, “Arn, I’m sorry you - you had to see him like that,” 

Arnold shook his head, not looking up from the table, “He doesn’t want to be alive anymore,” 

“It’s...It’s not even been a week yet,” Connor said, “He needs time,” 

“Do you want to go and see him again?” Chris asked. 

Connor shook his head and sat up straighter, “No. He’s sleeping and I think...I think it’s best that he has some time alone,” 

No one argued, everyone seemingly on the same wavelength of wanting to get as far away from the hospital and, in turn, Kevin, as possible. Connor couldn’t even begin to understand how Chris had spent most of his teenage years in one. 

When Connor got back to his room in Chris and James’ apartment, a box in the corner of the room labelled ‘ _ Mission stuff’  _ caught his eye, the corner of a long since abandoned Book of Mormon sticking out of the top of it. Too scared to pick it up, - because an unreasonable part of him still felt like he would burst into flames if he did - he sat on the edge of the bed and stared at it, fully aware of the quite stupid idea that was forming in the back of his mind. 

With Nabulungi at home, and Chris already asleep judging by the thunderous snoring that was floating through the walls, Connor was without impulse control. He picked up his phone and dialled a number that he never thought he would dial again in his life. 

“Bishop Fredericks? It’s Connor, Connor McKinley. Can I come and see you tomorrow? I need to talk to you about a few things,” 

Connor wasn’t sure if he was trying to find Heavenly Father again or just needed someone to shout at, but both options were welcome. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not saying I've relied on Animal Crossing to keep me feeling alive through lockdown, but I'm also not saying that it hasn't 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw/ mentions of sexual assault

“Morning, Connor!” 

Connor couldn’t understand how Louisa could be so consistently cheerful, especially when he considered that Kevin was not even her only patient. He did not want to think about who else she had to deal with everyday. 

“Morning,” Connor muttered, “Is he okay?” 

“He had a bad night, but that was expected after yesterday,” she said gently, "How are you feeling?" 

Connor shrugged, almost certain that he had had just as bad of a night as Kevin had. He had not done much but lie wide awake, staring up at the ceiling and allow his brain to run rampant, thinking about all the things that he had missed in the lead up to everything that had happened. He had fallen asleep for maybe 5 minutes before a horrible nightmare dragged him back into an equally horrible reality. 

"Connor?" Louisa asked quietly, "You can skip today, if you'd like. You're under no obligation to come here everyday," 

"He'd do it for me," 

Louisa smiled at him and placed her hand on his arm, once again reminding him that she was there for them both, not just Kevin. He thanked her and slowly walked over to Kevin’s room. The more he visited, the harder it was to open the door because he knew that whoever was on that other side of the door wouldn’t be Kevin. Not the Kevin he knew, anyway. 

Kevin’s head snapped up as Connor muttered his greeting. He didn’t say anything, not that Connor was really expecting him too. He didn’t expect much from him anymore. He sat down, pulling his chair further away from Kevin’s bed than he usually would, just in case he lashed out again. 

“You’re scared of me,” Kevin said. 

Connor frowned, “No, I’m not...I’m not scared of you, babe,” 

“I hurt you,” Kevin whispered, “I didn’t - I didn’t mean to,” 

“I know,” Connor said, “I know you didn’t, which is why I’m not scared of you. You’ve never done it before,” 

“What if I do it again?” 

“You won’t do it-” 

“You’re not sat near me because you think that I’m going to hurt you again,” Kevin countered, “I’m not stupid,” 

And Connor knew that. He knew that Kevin wasn’t stupid, because he was the most intelligent person that he had ever met, and always saw through all of his lies. But Connor _wasn't_ lying. He wasn't scared of Kevin. How could he be scared of his own boyfriend? His boyfriend who was so much more than a boyfriend because he wanted to _marry_ him. 

“You’re scared of me,” Kevin said again. 

Connor chewed on the inside of his cheek and shook his head, because he _wasn’t_ scared. Or, he wasn’t scared of what Kevin would do to _him._ He was scared of what he would do to himself, and if he would even survive it again. 

“No, I - I love you, Kevin, I’m not-” 

“I wish you didn’t. I don’t want you to,” 

Connor looked up at him, eyes roaming his face and desperately trying to find a trace of Kevin again. He stared blankly back, fiddling with his feeding tube. Connor had never been broken up with before - and had assumed that it would never happen - but he was almost certain that that was where this conversation was going. 

“I don’t know what you mean,” Connor said, deciding that playing dumb was the best way to get through it. 

“I don’t want you to love me anymore,” Kevin said. 

“Are you breaking up with me?”

Kevin looked away from him and nodded. Connor frowned and slumped in his chair, his brain struggling to understand that the relationship that he thought would never end was ending in a _psych ward,_ of all places. 

“I love you,” Connor repeated, “Don’t you - Don’t you love me?” 

When Kevin didn’t say anything, Connor nodded silently, heat prickling across his face as his throat tightened. He left the room without so much of a second glance back at Kevin, making it all the way out of the hospital before he broke, collapsing onto a bench and sobbing into his hands. 

A number of people passed him - Doctors, Nurses, EMTs, patients - and all stopped to sit next to him, and tell him that everything was going to be okay. Connor nodded along numbly every time, too tired, too scared, too unstable, to point out that everything probably wasn’t going to be okay, because his boyfriend - if he could even call him that anymore - had pushed him away at a time when he should have wanted him close by. 

The stupid, naive part of him, was telling him that Kevin hadn’t really broke up with him, that it was just another harsh jump back to how things had been at the very start of their relationship; when Kevin was too scared to be around Connor and pushed him away because there was too much happening inside his head. That’s what he always used to say to him, anyway; _“I like you, and I want to be with you but...it still feels wrong. I’m working on it, I promise. I’m going to be proud with you one day,”._ And then it had become less of an issue of pride, and more of an issue of Kevin hating being touched - in _any_ capacity. At first, Connor had assumed that he meant it in a sexual way, and he was okay with that, because he hadn’t been ready for sex straight away. But then Connor noticed that Kevin only held his hand for 5 minutes (on a good day), or would sit at the opposite end of the sofa to Connor, as though he was contagious. 

Getting through it back then seemed easier, somehow. Perhaps it was because Connor hadn’t been in so deep. He had _liked_ Kevin, of course, and had probably started loving him embarrassingly quickly, but he hadn’t been _in love_ with him. He had more to lose now and was pretty sure that he _had_ just lost it. 

His hands curled into fists in his hair as his brain unhelpfully reminded him of all that he had lost; their lazy mornings in bed together, their _other_ mornings in bed together, Connor watching Kevin stress over both video games and studying alike. Hell, Connor even missed testing him on notes that he never understood but was always happy to see the look on Kevin’s face when he realised that he finally understood a concept he’d been trying to wrap his head around for weeks. 

It wasn’t even the things that he’d lost, it was the things that he would never have to lose; Kevin’s graduation day, Connor's first run in a principal role, Kevin's first day of Med school, his first day as a Doctor, their _wedding day_ and everything that was supposed to come after that. 

All of that had been thrown out of the window in a matter of minutes. 

He brushed off the hand of whoever was trying to tell him that _everything will be okay in the end_ , because he was fed up with people telling him that. He didn’t need to know about _everything,_ he needed to know about Kevin. That was the only person who mattered in all this. 

He stood up from the bench and began a lonely walk to the subway station, wondering if maybe he should text Kevin. He had given Louisa his phone, but he wasn’t sure that Kevin would have done much but put it on his bedside table and ignore it. Still, it felt like the right thing to do, because perhaps Kevin could face texting him. 

_He just broke up with you, you dickhead,_ an unhelpful voice at the back of his mind pointed out, _don’t text him._

Connor text him anyway, and was not at all shocked to find that he didn’t text back. 

* * *

He didn’t go back to Chris and James’, or even tell them what had happened, he just said that he was meeting up with some of the guys from work and would see them later. 

Instead, he tread the familiar, almost always traumatic, path back to his old Church. He had organised the meeting with the intent of screaming at his old Bishop for a while in the hope that it would make him feel better. Now, he was half hoping for some actual help. Though, the last time he had gone to Bishop Fredericks for _‘help’,_ he had ended up in conversion therapy for the worst three years of his life. 

At least now he knew that being gay wasn’t going to send him to Hell. He was just pretty sure that ignoring his suicidal boyfriend in favour of trying to get onto Broadway instead was going to. 

Connor paused outside of the building, looking up at it with perhaps more apprehension than he had done back then. The last time he had walked out of that building, he had been less than one week away from going to Uganda, and convinced that he was the God-fearing heterosexual man that his parents had always wanted him to be, the person that he _should_ have been. 

It was beyond comical, really, knowing that just three months after that he had met Kevin and all of the work that he had done with Bishop Fredericks had been unravelled after one smile that was flashed his way. 

Connor wasn’t sure he’d ever see that smile again. 

Pushing that thought to the back of his mind, because he _really_ wasn’t ready to face that yet, Connor made his way into Church and immediately came face to face with Bishop Fredericks. 

He hadn’t changed; he still looked as stern and as cold underneath a sickeningly fake smile. Connor clenched his jaw and balled his hands into fists, reminding himself that he wasn’t there for conversion therapy, he was just there for...Connor wasn’t entirely sure why he was there, but he was hoping that it wasn’t going to be too traumatic. 

“Take a seat,” Fredericks said when they walked into the office that Connor had had nightmares about for years. Nightmares that Kevin had always been able to help him through. 

Connor sat down silently, crossing his legs only to uncross them moments later for fear of looking a little too camp. Kevin would have been quick to point out that he looked incredibly camp no matter what he did. 

“I was surprised when you called,” Bishop Fredericks said, “No one has heard from you for a while. Your parents included. They hoped that when you returned home you would stay in contact,” 

“They made it quite clear that they don’t want anything to do with me,” Connor said, “Not that _I_ want anything to do with them,” 

“So you’re here because...?” 

Connor scrubbed a hand over his face, still unable to explain exactly why he had called. There was no real good reason. He hadn’t believed in God for a long time, but he couldn’t help but crave the days where a small piece of scripture or a conversation with his Bishop would actually make him feel better. But that was the days of Elder McKinley, and he had learned that Connor McKinley was a very different person. 

“I need answers,” Connor said finally. 

“Answers to what, exactly?” 

“My, um...my b-boyfriend, he - he’s never put a foot wrong in his life. He was like - He was the best missionary in our District, and he’s a great student and just a great _person_ and...” he trailed off, finding it beyond strange that he was so openly talking about his boyfriend with the man who had brainwashed him into thinking that he was wrong for liking boys, “...and he tried to kill himself. He’s in the psych ward now and he...he just broke up with me,” 

Bishop Fredericks raised his eyebrows and Connor was well aware that he was in the wrong place for advice on how to deal with a breakup. He should be with his friends, not a _Bishop_ _._ Still, he was there now, and maybe Fredericks would be able to look past his violent bigotry to help someone who was clearly coming apart at the seams. 

“Heavenly Father punishes sinners,” Bishop Fredericks said, “Surely you were expecting something like this?” 

Connor blinked at him, “Who’s he punishing? Me or Kevin?” 

“Both. You’re both sinners, are you not? I gave you a chance when you were 16 to change the path that you were on, and you blew it. Surely you realise that now? Perhaps this is the wake up call that you both needed. Perhaps, Kevin breaking up with you is the nudge you need to come back to us. Heavenly Father will welcome you back with open arms, and so would your parents. They _miss you_ , Connor. They pray for you every day,” 

“You think that - You think that Heavenly Father made Kevin attempt suicide as a _wake up call?_ ” Connor asked angrily, “I’ll tell you _why_ he did it, he did it because this Church sent him to a dangerous place for his mission and didn’t give a _fuck_ when we had to report that he’d been - that he’d been _raped._ He did it because the Church offered us no support when we came back to the states, and you stood back and let both of our parents disown us! What sort of God does that? What sort of God lets all that happen? You’re not led by God, you’re led by your own bigotry!” 

Bishop Fredericks frowned at him, but Connor could barely pay attention to him, too busy being on the verge of a panic attack after swearing in a _Church_ of all places. There was no going back from that one. 

“I don’t really understand why you’re here, Connor. What are you trying to achieve? Because it’s clearly not absolution from your sins,” 

“I need you to know what you’ve done,” Connor said, carefully choosing his words, “I need you to know that it was you. All of this, everything that’s happening, it _your_ fault,” 

“I’ve never met your boyfriend, Connor. I don’t see how-” 

“No, but you...you work for and support and have dedicated your _entire life_ to a Church that has done this to him! If it weren’t for this Church then - then Kevin wouldn’t have gone through everything that he did, and I wouldn’t have believed that _I_ was wrong for loving who I do!” Connor exclaimed, “This is all on you!” 

“Did you just come here for someone to shout at?” 

“Yeah, actually!” Connor snapped, jumping to his feet, “because this is all on you! So fuck you, fuck your Church and fuck your God!” 

Connor gave him one last withering glare before he stormed out of the room. It was only when he was halfway down the street that he released he had not achieved much outside of making himself look like an idiot. 

* * *

Ed had never been one to say no to a shot of Tequila. Or another after that. Or _another_ one after that. From Connor’s point of view, they were a match made in heaven. From anyone else’s, they were a match made in Hell. 

But as Connor downed his seventh - or eighth? - shot, even Ed tried to pull him back, saying something about how this wasn’t helping himself _or_ Kevin. Connor didn't care anymore, because he was unable to help Kevin - he had made that much quite clear. And if he couldn’t help Kevin, then he couldn’t help himself. 

“Two Gin and Tonics, please!” Connor said cheerfully to the barman. 

“I don’t want one,” Ed said quickly. 

“Well, I want two,” Connor said, waving his card in the general direction of the reader. 

“Connor,” Ed said firmly, “You need to stop drinking. Let’s just go home,” 

“I don’t _need_ to do anything,” Connor countered, taking a swig of his drink, “I’m perfectly happy here,” 

Ed tutted, “ _Stay here._ I’m calling Chris and James,” 

Connor rolled his eyes and spun around on his stool so he was facing the bar again. He wasn’t sure why everyone was suddenly acting like Chris and James were his parents, but it was starting to piss him off. He didn’t need Chris and James to handle him like a poor, fragile toddler who didn’t understand the world around him, he needed Ed to do shots of Tequila with him. He also needed Kevin to not break up with him, but he didn’t think that was going to change. He scoffed as he downed the rest of his gin, he had planned to _propose_ to Kevin that night, not drink gin on his own. 

He felt a hand on his back and he turned around, expecting to be met with the disappointed stare of Chris Thomas. Instead, he was met with a man smiling pleasantly at him. Connor frowned and was about to politely tell him that he had a boyfriend, before he remembered that he didn't have one of them anymore. 

“Can I buy you a drink?” the man asked. 

Connor nodded, because he was _single_ and that meant that he was allowed to let relatively attractive men buy him drinks. And maybe it was better being single, because the more relatively attractive men that bought him drinks, the less money he spent. And _sure,_ the man was’t Kevin - he wasn’t even close to being as attractive as Kevin - but he could let it slide because he wasn’t allowed to have Kevin anymore. 

And not being allowed to have Kevin anymore meant that he could kiss this man and it wasn't morally reprehensible. Or perhaps it was, because it hadn’t even been a day and Kevin was still suicidal and in the psych ward. It might not have been cheating, but it was still wrong. 

Connor opened his eyes as he was backed into a wall, the drink that he was holding spilling over onto his hand. The man - who’s name he had already managed to forget - wasn’t nearly as good at kissing as Kevin was. He was too fast, as though it was all going to be over too soon and his skin wasn’t particularly soft, but that was probably because he didn’t have the same 15 step skincare routine that Kevin did. And if he _did_ have a skincare routine, there definitely wasn’t a whole section dedicated to his lips, because his lips were not soft like Kevin’s were. 

The man's - unfortunately coarse - lips moved to Connor’s neck and he just assumed that _this_ was where the night was going to go, and he decided he would just go with it. Connor grunted a little as the man’s hands started drifting further and further south, and they were so much rougher than Kevin’s, who’s touches were always soft and gentle and -

“ _N-No!_ ” Connor exclaimed, shoving the man away from him, “No, sorry, I’ve - I’ve changed my mind. You’re not Kevin,” 

The man stared at him for a moment and then threw his hands in the air before walking away, and Connor was glad that he hadn’t questioned his sudden change in mood. Groaning, Connor slowly made his way out of the bar and started walking home. 

At least, he _thought_ he was walking home. He wasn’t sure where home was anymore. He had the apartment, but that had only become home when Kevin had moved off campus and stared living with him. Now it was just an apartment. Cold, empty and lonely. He pondered going back there for a few minutes before he realised that he could just walk to the hospital, because that was where Kevin was, that was where _home_ was. Kevin might not have seen Connor as home anymore, and he might not have loved him, but Connor wasn’t prepared to let that go. Not yet, not ever. 

He had only been walking a record breaking 30 seconds before someone grabbed his arm and pulled him back. 

“Excuse me, I’m going to the hospital to see someone,” 

“At 4 AM?” 

Connor turned around and blinked his eyes into focus, slowly coming to the realisation that the hand on his arm belonged to Chris, and he didn’t at all look pleased to be there. James was hovering behind him, chewing on his thumb and glancing up at the bar with what might have been anxiety. Connor was somewhat aware that James didn’t like bars, alcohol, or drunk people, but he couldn’t quite remember why. 

“They’re not going to let you in when you’re this drunk, Connor,” Chris said, an impatient note in his voice. 

“I am not that drunk!” 

“Where are you?” Chris asked. 

“America,” 

“Specifically,” 

“Uh...New York?” 

“A bit more specific than that,” 

Connor frowned and wrenched his arm out of Chris’ grip, he did not at all appreciate the pop-quiz. Besides, he wasn’t all that interested in where he was at that exact minute, he was more interested in where he was _going,_ and that was to the hospital to see Kevin. 

“I’m going to see Kevin,” Connor said, stumbling slightly as he set off in what he assumed was the direction of the hospital. 

“No, you’re not,” Chris said firmly, “You’re coming home with us! Come on,” 

“No!” Connor yelled, “No, I’m not! Because you’re not Kevin! I don’t want anyone but Kevin!” 

Chris groaned and grabbed his hand, pulling him forward with a surprising amount of strength for someone so small. James still hung back, and Connor thought that was probably for the best. One because he knew that, _for some reason,_ James didn’t like being around drunk people, but also because James was much stronger than him and would probably be able to carry him all the way home. 

“Tomorrow. You can see Kevin _tomorrow_ ,” 

Connor felt his throat tighten as he managed to wrestle his way out of Chris’ grip again, because he didn’t think that Kevin would want to see him tonight or tomorrow or ever again. He staggered backwards, hitting a wall and slowly sliding down it. He felt Chris put his hand on his knee but he batted it away, struggling to catch his breath but not really caring all too much. 

“Come on, buddy,” Chris said, “We need to get you home,” 

“ _Kevin,”_ Connor sobbed, “I want Kevin,” 

“I know,” Chris said, “but you - you can’t see him right now. He’s probably sleeping,” 

“I hate him,” Connor spat, “I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. _I hate him_ ,” 

“You - You what?” Chris asked in a hushed voice, “Kevin? You hate Kevin?” 

Connor nodded, only to immediately feel horrible saying such a thing about someone as wonderful as Kevin. A sob tore out of his throat and he hid his head in his hands, falling to a heap on the floor because he did - he hated Kevin, and he hated himself even more for it. 

“I don’t understand,” 

He heard James clear his throat and speak for the first time, “I don’t think he knows what he’s saying, babe. We just need to get him-” 

Connor looked up at Chris, who was knelt on the floor in front of him and tugged on his arm until he looked down at him.

“He broke up with me,” 

Chris’ face fell, eyes going wide. He whirled around to face James who was finally taking steps towards him, his fear of drunk people obviously not as strong as his need to sit next to Connor and put his hand on his shoulder. 

“ _I hate him!_ ” Connor yelled, “I hate him for doing this to himself, I hate him for doing it to _me!_ I was gonna propose to him! I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and he just - he just kicked me to the curb like I was nothing! After _everything,_ he just - he threw it all away!” 

James flinched and scrambled to his feet, jumping away from him again. Connor rolled his eyes and put his head in his hands, wondering if he should just get used to people leaving him when the going got tough. Chris put his hand on his knees and squeezed them, nudging him until he looked up at him. 

“I need you to not do this right now, Connor,” Chris said slowly, “I understand you’re angry, but you need to stay calm, okay? Just-” 

“ _No!_ I don’t - I don’t need to do _anything!_ It’s my boyfriend - my _ex-_ boyfriend - who’s in a psych ward! It’s my ex-boyfriend who can’t eat on his own! It’s my ex-boyfriend who tried to kill himself! Who doesn’t want to be alive anymore! Who broke up with me! Who doesn’t love me anymore!” Connor yelled, staggering to his feet, “Your boyfriend still loves you! He doesn’t want to die! You have - You have no idea what it’s like! You still get to go home to James! Arnold still gets to go to Naba! Who did I have?” 

Chris struggled to his feet, holding his hands up in front of him, “You still have us and-” 

“You’re not _him!”_ Connor yelled, not even noticing that Chris was backing away from him, “I don’t want anyone but _him!”_

“You can’t go to the hospital, Connor! Not in this state!” Chris exclaimed, still keeping his distance, “Let’s just - Let’s just go home and sober up and we’ll - we’ll work something out!” 

The events of the night very quickly caught up with him; Ed thinking that he was unstable (which he might have been), drinking more than was perhaps healthy and then _kissing_ that man. Kevin had been the only person that he had ever kissed. Somehow, it still felt like a betrayal, even if they weren’t together anymore. 

He heard Chris hesitantly say his name before he collapsed into his arms, sobbing hysterically. Chris pressed a kiss into his hair, running his hands up and down his back and promising him that everything would be okay. 

“I’m scared,” Connor whispered, “I don’t know what my life looks like without him,” 

Chris sighed and tightened his arms around him, “Look, he - he isn’t in the right head space, right now. You don’t know what he’s going to say after this, he might - he might change his mind. You never know. But you do have a life outside of Kevin Price, even if - even if it doesn’t feel like it,” 

“I don’t deserve him,” Connor said, “He deserves so much more than me. I’m a terrible, _terrible_ person,”

Connor wasn’t sure what was worse: the fact that he had kissed someone other than Kevin, or the fact that he vomited all down his best friend's back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:/ talk of sexual assault

Connor woke up the next morning to two things: an awful headache, and a very irate Chris flicking his ear over and over again until he opened his eyes. Not much feeling like waking up, Connor yanked the covers over his head and tried to lie as still as possible, as though doing that would make Chris forget he was there. 

“For fucks sake, wake up!” Chris exclaimed, dragging the covers off him, “You’re pissing me off,” 

“Leave me alone then,” Connor grumbled. 

“No, because I’m pissed off with you,” Chris snapped, “ _ Get up _ ,” 

Grumbling about ginger abuse, Connor pushed himself up on his elbows and turned to look at his best friend. He was sat cross legged in the middle of the bed, arms folded and wearing his signature ‘ _ I’m so angry, I could probably kill God’  _ glare. Connor frowned at him, trying to work out exactly  _ why _ he wanted to kill God, and then it all came rushing back to him at once. 

Kevin, the break-up, making out with some  stranger  and then proceeding to vomit all over Chris. 

“I’m sorry for..for everything that happened last night,” Connor said, “I didn’t - I didn’t mean to get so drunk...” he trailed off, suddenly remembering James and groaning, “Is James pissed off at me?” 

Chris shook his head, “No, of course not. It’s not like that was the first time he’s ever seen you drunk. He just...He’s taken Kevin’s attempt really hard. Harder than I was expecting, really. I think he - he feels guilty because he was supposed to go over that morning with Arnold but he got called into work,” 

“Not his fault,” Connor muttered, rubbing his eyes. 

Chris sighed and scooted closer to him, resting his head on his shoulder, “Are you okay?” 

“No,” Connor said, not having it in him to pretend that everything was fine, “I feel like shit. I’m single,” he added, in case Chris had forgotten. 

“You don’t know what he’s going to say today,” Chris said, “He’s not - well, he’s not  _ himself,  _ is he? So he - he might have changed his mind...” 

“I can’t deal with him changing his mind about us every day, Chris. Could you?” Connor asked, “If it was James?”

“No,” Chris admitted, “but you were going to  _ propose _ to him. Are you...Are you gonna let all that go?” 

Connor shrugged his shoulders and closed his eyes as he rested his head against Chris’. What he really wanted to do was pretend that none of this was happening, and that Kevin wasn’t in hospital, that he hadn’t made out with someone who wasn’t Kevin, and that they were engaged, and that everything was as it should have been. Connor wasn’t sure what had changed over the past three years, but turning it off didn’t come as easily as it used to. 

No, he  did  know what had changed; it had been a happy mixture of therapy, realising that his feelings weren’t a sign of weakness, and being genuinely content in life. 

His inability to turn it off was great when he wanted to tell Kevin that he loved him, when he wanted to thank Chris for not abandoning him even when he was the world's worst district leader and mission companion, when he just wanted to be  _ human.  _ Now, when confronted with waking up on what should have been the morning after he had gotten engaged, the fact that he couldn't meant he had to confront pain that he could not begin to comprehend. 

Instead of waking up to Kevin curled up beside him, a ring glittering on his finger, he had an awful headache and vague memories of kissing another man. 

“Are you going to go and see him today?” Chris asked quietly. 

“No,” Connor said, “I think...I think I should give him some space. Arnold and Naba can go, or you and James,” 

“I’ll go with Arnold and Naba,” Chris said, kissing his cheek as he stood up, “James is in class all day. One of those horrible eight hour classes where all he does is draw,” 

Connor frowned, “I mean, he is in Art School. What do you expect him to do?” 

“Give me attention?” Chris said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, “I’ll make you breakfast and then go to the hospital,” 

Connor tried his very best to keep himself distracted whilst Chris was at the hospital. He flicked through perhaps every single channel on T.V before he gave up and turned to his emotional support Wicked bootleg and when  _ that  _ didn’t even help, he resigned himself to the fact that perhaps nothing would. He called Ed, apologised for being such a mess and promised that the next time they went out, he would control himself a little more. 

“Do you know when you’re coming back to work?” Ed asked, “No one’s rushing you, we just want to know,” 

“I can’t think of anything worse than 8 shows a week right now,” Connor admitted, “Especially not 8 shows of the most depressing show in the world,” 

“I know,” he said gently, “but you have your ten Marius shows coming up, remember? Josh is going on vacation,”

“ _ Shit _ .” Connor muttered, “I completely forgot about that...” 

“You don’t need to worry about it right now,” Ed said quickly, “Just...think about it, alright?” 

When Connor hung up, he collapsed face first onto the sofa and screamed into the cushions. It didn’t make him feel as good as he thought it would, but it wasn’t unwelcome. He curled into a ball, gripping onto his knees. When management had told him that he would get ten whole shows as Marius, he had gone home and sobbed into Kevin’s arms for almost an hour, because  _ this was it.  _ This was what Connor had always dreamed of, being a leading man on Broadway. He had even had a long forgotten countdown to his first show on his phone. 

Now, he couldn't think of anything worse. 

His phone ringing pulled his brain away from Broadway and back to the present. He answered it without even looking at the caller ID, confused when all he could hear was what sounded like a wounded animal in the background. It took him a moment to realise that it was Kevin,  crying _.  _

“Con, you need to come,” it was Chris, sounding as stressed as he always did these days, “He - he’s fucking  _ distraught.  _ His  brothers are here,” 

“ _ What?”  _ Connor asked, “Isaac and Jack? Why?” 

“Well, uh...don’t shout but Jack messaged me on Instagram last night and asked if he could come and see Kevin because he was too scared to ask him or you and I said that he was in hospital and well, I didn’t  think  that he was actually going to come! And I definitely didn't think that he was gonna bring the other one!” Chris exclaimed, “Please come. He’s asking for you, and I - I don’t know what to do! No one does! Even - Even that nice nurse and the Doctor don’t know! Please, please!” 

Connor didn’t need telling twice. He scrambled to his feet, pulled on the first t-shirt and pair of jeans that he came across and was out of the apartment in five minutes. He was vaguely concerned about the fact that he might smell of alcohol, and sprayed an unhealthy amount of deodorant on himself as he ran for a cab. 

When he eventually made it to the hospital, the first person he came across was Doctor Daniels who was looking unusually stressed. It didn't make Connor feel any better. 

“Do you know what his relationship is like with his brothers? The others were saying that they weren’t sure where they stood,” 

“It’s complicated,” Connor said, eyes flickering over to Kevin’s room, “Him and Jack were - were always the closest and I think...I think he struggled most when their parents disowned Kev but...they never really spoke after. I’ve only met them once,” 

Doctor Daniels nodded, “Okay. If Kevin tells you that he doesn’t want them there, we can ask them to leave,” 

Connor nodded, chewing on the inside of his lip. All he wanted was to have Kevin back in his life,  _ properly  _ back in his life, he just wasn’t sure he could be  _ just friends  _ with him. Not after everything they had been through together. Not when he had an engagement ring waiting for him. 

If it weren’t for the fact that Kevin was very obviously distressed about his (homophobic) brothers suddenly making an appearance, Connor might have tried to draw out the conversation with Doctor Daniels. As he set off in the direction of the room, Kevin’s cries got louder and louder and Connor sped up, starting to wonder if his incessant need to help everyone around him - no matter how they had treated him - was detrimental to him. But he couldn’t just  _ abandon  _ Kevin. Not now. 

Kevin was sitting at the very top of his bed, cowering against the headboard as he sobbed into his knees. Arnold and Nabulungi were sitting at the bottom of the bed, speaking words of comfort that were clearly going in one ear and out of the other. Chris was standing in the very corner of the room, staring straight at Kevin’s brothers, both of whom were pale faced and looked like they were going to collapse at any given moment. 

“Jack,” Connor said quietly, “Hi. Are you alright?” 

Jack whirled around to face him, and Connor was struck by how much he looked like Kevin. Isaac turned around with wide eyes, and Connor wondered if all the Price brothers had just been copy and pasted in the womb. If he didn’t know any better, he might have thought they were triplets. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jack whispered, “That he was - that he’s done this?” 

“I don’t - I don’t know,” Connor mumbled, because it felt better than telling him that he had forgotten he existed, “I was distracted,” 

Connor looked over at Kevin just as he looked over at him. They locked eyes for a moment before Connor looked away and planted himself in the corner of the room, folding his arm. Kevin frowned and looked over at Chris, as though he had no idea why Connor was acting the way that he was. 

“Why are you here?” Chris asked Isaac. 

“Well I wasn’t...I was planning on,” Isaac mumbled, “but Jack texted me last night and said he was here and then I couldn’t - I couldn’t really say no, could I?” 

“You got here fast,” Arnold said, and Connor was sure there was a bitter note in his voice. 

Jack frowned, “We live here. I got to NYU and Isaac-“

“ _ What?”  _ Connor asked, looking over at Kevin with wide eyes, “Did you know?” 

Kevin shook his head, the colour draining from his face as he stared over at his brother. Jack’s frown deepened and he looked over at Isaac who was looking oddly guilty. 

“I knew Kevin goes to NYU,” he admitted, “which is why I was so happy when Jack decided to go there...in case they bumped into each other on campus one day...I should have - I should have just reached out, I know...”

“So why didn't you?” Nabulungi asked. 

“Because our dad is  _ insane. _ Since Kevin left, he's...he's not been the same.  It’s why I moved here. I work for a law firm,” Isaac said, cheeks turning pink, “and why Jack decided on NYU, but obviously biology students and history students don’t cross paths that often...” 

“How did you know I was doing biology?” Kevin asked quietly. 

Isaac shrugged, “Cause you’ve been talking about doing a biology degree since you were like eight,” 

The corners of Kevin’s lips might have quirked up, but he looked down at his hands too quickly for Connor to be able to see. Chris stood up from the sofa and slowly walked over to Connor, silently taking his hand and standing on his tiptoes to whisper in his ear. 

“He hasn't mentioned the break up,” 

Connor looked down at Chris and shrugged. That didn’t mean anything. Kevin wasn’t one to talk about his feelings at the best of times, so why would he now? 

“I’m sorry, Kevin,” Jack said, “about the way that mom and dad - the way  _ we  _ \- treated you,” 

“Dad said it was my fault,” Kevin mumbled, picking at some thread on his socks, “What the General did. You didn’t defend me. Neither of you,” 

For as long as he might live, Connor didn’t think that he’d ever forget that awful day. After they had come back from Africa, Kevin had been desperate to repair his relationship with his family and had begged Connor to take a trip to Utah with him. Connor had agreed quickly enough, secretly hoping that the Price’s would come around because having at least one set of parents on their side seemed easier than having neither. 

It had ended up being nothing short of a disaster, and Connor sometimes thought that that dinner had been the final nail in the coffin for Kevin’s issues. Mr Price had thrown the F-slur around like it was nothing, had accused Connor of manipulating Kevin into thinking that he was gay and then, even after Kevin had sobbed his way through the story of his assault, he had told him that it was his fault, that it was God punishing for all he had done wrong and that he deserved it for running away. 

“I know,” Isaac said, “I know and we were wrong. We should have defended you,  _ I  _ should have defended you. I’ve been the worst big brother ever, you don’t have to tell me,” 

Kevin looked up at him for a second, if that, and then looked back down at his feet. Connor didn’t have to speak to him, or even see his face to know that his anxiety was worsening. He saw it in the way his shoulders stiffened, his hands curled into fists and his chest started heaving. 

“Kev?” Jack said quietly, “Can we...Can we start again? Please? I’m sorry. Mom and Dad want to see you, and so do - so do Melissa and Kate,” 

Kevin shook his head, drawing his knees back up to his chest and hiding his face. Jack frowned and took a step forward, but Connor very quickly jumped forward and grabbed the back of his t-shirt, yanking him back. He wasn’t quick enough to stop Isaac, who placed his hand on Kevin’s shoulder. 

“Don’t touch me!” Kevin exclaimed, shoving his brother away from him, “Get away! Get away!” 

Isaac stumbled away from him, his eyebrows raised. Kevin whimpered and flopped down onto his bed, turning away from them all. Both Jack and Isaac turned to look at Connor, as though he would have all the answers to why Kevin was acting the way that he was. 

“Let’s go and get a coffee or something,” Connor said, opening the door, “I think he needs time alone,” 

“I thought I was doing the right thing!” Jack exclaimed, tears stinging his eyes, “I thought telling mom and dad was the right thing to do! They should - They should know if one of their kids is in hospital! Especially if - Especially if he tried to kill himself! What if they had never gotten to say good-bye? What if - What if that day was the last time they ever saw him?” 

“It’s okay,” Chris said, his voice surprisingly gentle. Connor had not expected him to be kind to either of Kevin’s brothers, was not entirely sure he himself was ready to be kind to them, “You just want to help. I get it. He just needs some time alone,”

Isaac put his arm around his younger brother's shoulders and slowly led him out of the room. Connor glanced over his shoulder one last time before he left the room, half hoping that Kevin was going to be staring back at him. He wasn’t. 

“Connor? Can I talk to you?” Isaac asked as Connor slid the door shut behind him. 

“Sure,” Connor muttered. 

“We’ll take Jack to the canteen,” Arnold said. 

Connor nodded and turned to look at Isaac. It was almost painful, how much he looked like Kevin. Thankfully, there were barely there differences that were enough to remind Connor that he  _ wasn’t  _ Kevin. They both had hazel eyes, but Isaac’s were more brown than Kevin’s whose eyes looked green when the light hit them in a certain way. Isaac didn’t have any freckles where Kevin’s skin had become dotted with extremely faint ones all thanks to the Ugandan sun. They still made an appearance in summer, and Connor loved them more than he would like to admit. 

“How are you paying for his bills? Chris said he was in the ICU before this,” 

“Oh,” Connor said, “Um, we’re...well, I have health insurance and I guess, I guess...I don’t know,” 

“He can’t use your health insurance. You’re not married,” 

Connor scoffed, almost telling him that they weren’t even  _ together _ , never mind married. 

“We’ll figure something out, I’ll-“

“Let me pay for it,” Isaac interrupted, “Please. It’s the least I can do for him,” 

“You can’t just  _ buy  _ your way back into his life,” Connor said. 

“I know,” Isaac said, “I know it’s going to take more than paying his medical bills, and I am gonna work to make it right again. If that’s even what he wants,” 

Connor sighed and nodded, “Okay, well...you’ll have to ask him if you can pay,” 

It was a nice gesture - perhaps the  _ nicest  _ gesture - but Connor had a feeling that Kevin would say no just for the sake of his pride. He often couldn’t even put his pride aside to ask Connor to open a jar for him, never mind have someone else pay his medical bills because he couldn't afford to. 

Behind them, the door opened again and Kevin poked his head out, eyes darting between the two of them. At first, Connor thought that he had heard their conversation before he reached out and took his hand, tugging on it slightly. 

“Can I speak to you?” he mumbled. 

“I’ll go and find the others,” Isaac said, flashing them an awkward smile before hurrying away. 

Assuming that Kevin just wanted to talk about their break up, Connor slipped his hand out of his grip and followed him inside. Kevin pouted a little as he sat on his bed, Connor standing by the door. 

“Are you angry with me?” Kevin asked quietly. 

“A little bit, yeah,” Connor replied, “Can you blame me?” 

Kevin’s bottom lip trembled and he burst into tears, hiding his face in his hands. Connor froze, unsure of how he was meant to approach this. He understood that Kevin wasn’t in his usual head space, but he thought that he would at least understand that breaking up with him wouldn’t make him the happiest person in the world. 

“T-This is why I wanted it t-to work cause I don’t - I don’t like you being a-angry with me,” Kevin sobbed, “I’m - I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know I messed up but I - but I couldn’t deal with  _ anything  _ anymore and I - I wanted to - I just wanted it to be over. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you,” 

Connor tutted, “Kev, you’ve gotta understand that breaking up with me randomly isn’t gonna make me feel good!” 

Kevin looked up at him, his eyebrows furrowed, “B-Breaking up with - with you? I broke up with you?”

“Yes,” Connor said slowly, “You broke up with me. Yesterday,” 

“Why are you saying that? I didn’t! I didn’t!” Kevin exclaimed, “Why would I - why would I break up with you?” 

Connor frowned, trying to work out if Kevin was playing some sick joke with him, “I don’t know  _ why,  _ but you just - you did. You told me you didn’t want me to love you anymore and then I asked if you were breaking up with me and you nodded,” 

“No, no,  _ no _ ...” Kevin sobbed, collapsing face down onto the bed, his shoulders heaving, “No. I didn’t. Stop saying that, stop saying that!"

Slowly, Connor backed out of the room and ran over to Doctor Daniels, trying not to be too impatient as he tapped his shoulder. He seemed to take forever to look up from his computer, smiling pleasantly at Connor when he finally did. 

“Kevin’s scaring me,” Connor blurted. 

He raised his eyebrows, “Scaring you?” 

“When I was here yesterday, he - he broke up with me. And now he’s saying that he didn’t. But he  _ did,  _ I know he did and he’s hysterical and I don’t - I don’t know what to do!” 

Doctor Daniels frowned, “Are you sure?” 

“Yes!” Connor snapped, “Don’t you think I’d realise if my boyfriend broke up with me?” 

“Louisa!” Doctor Daniels called, “Did you speak to Kevin yesterday after Connor left?” 

“Uh...yes?” Louisa said, walking over to them, “I gave him his meds. Why?”

“Did he say something about breaking up with Connor?” 

Louisa nodded, smiling apologetically over at Connor, “He was pretty cut up about it. Why?”

“Because he’s acting like he hasn’t!” Connor exclaimed, “He’s freaking me out,”

“We’ll speak to him, get to the bottom of it,” Doctor Daniels said gently. 

Connor sat on the sofa whilst Doctor Daniels spoke to Kevin, who seemed wholly convinced that he hadn’t broken up with him. When Louisa gently pointed out that he must have done, because he had told her, he burst into tears again, frantically shaking his head and assuring them that he would do no such thing. 

“I didn’t!” he sobbed, “Why are you saying that? I wouldn’t!” 

Doctor Daniels cleared his throat, “Do you have gaps in your memory, Kevin?” 

Kevin shook his head before faltering, “I don’t - I don’t know. W-Why don’t I know?” 

“Do you know what you did yesterday?”

“I didn’t - I didn’t do anything yesterday. I was here on my own. Connor didn’t even visit.” 

Connor groaned and put his head in his hands, his brain helpfully telling him that Kevin probably had memory loss and that it was only a matter of time before he completely forgot that he existed. 

“Do you know who visited you this morning?” 

“Connor, Chris, Naba, Arnold and my brothers. I’m not stupid,”

“I wasn’t suggesting that, Kevin,” Doctor Daniels said gently, “I think what has happened, is that you’ve had a memory lapse. It’s common with severe depression, and expected with your brain injury but something that we can work on,” 

Connor looked up at him, hastily wiping his eyes, “He’s not - He’s not got like dementia or like...the other thing, has he?” 

“I highly doubt it,” Doctor Daniels said, “We’ll do a cognitive test and take it from there. Is that okay with you, Kevin?” 

Kevin nodded, his eyes flickering over to Connor, “F-Fine,” 

“We’ll leave you two alone,” Louisa said, giving Connor as small smile as she passed him. 

Connor didn’t even know what he wanted to say, because whether he remembered it or not, Kevin had still broken up with him. There had still been a part of him that didn’t want him anymore. 

“I’m sorry,” Kevin whispered. 

“You broke up with me,” Connor said, “Even if you don’t remember.” 

Kevin sniffled and slowly got up off the bed, joining Connor on the sofa. He sat at the opposite end to him, running his fingers up and down his drip. Connor couldn’t even bear to look at him, because he figured that  _ this  _ was it. This was when Kevin was going to break up for him for real, because he remembered that he actually wanted to do it. 

“I’m scared,” Kevin said, “that you’re gonna leave me because I don’t know what my life looks like without you. I don’t want to know,” 

“You broke up with me,” Connor repeated, because it seemed to be the only thing he could say. 

“I think that - I think that I did it because I thought it would feel easier if I broke up with you rather than the other way around. I don’t want to break up with you but only if - only if you’ll have me,” 

Connor finally turned to look at him, and there might have been a flicker of life, a flicker of  _ something  _ in his eyes. It might have just been wishful thinking. 

“How do I know you’re not going to do it again?” Connor asked, “That you’re not gonna tell me we’re over one day and then the next you think we’re still together?” 

“I don’t - I don’t know,” Kevin whispered, “but I - I know that I don’t want to lose you,” 

And maybe he was soft, or had no self-respect, or just so embarrassingly in love, but Connor wasn’t going to let Kevin Price go. He reached his arm out and put his hand over Kevin’s, waiting for bated breath to see if he was going to pull away. Instead, he shuffled down the sofa and slotted himself right into Connor’s side, resting his head on his shoulder. Connor closed his eyes and carefully put his arm around him, feeling like everything had fallen back into place again. 

But as he felt Kevin’s breath tickling his neck, and his fingers tracing tiny circles on his stomach, Connor realised that he didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve  _ him.  _

“I need to tell you something,” Connor said. 

Kevin looked up at him, “What?” 

“Last night, I went out and there was - there was this guy and I was - I was so drunk and I didn’t - I didn’t - I thought I was single, Kev. I swear I wouldn’t have if I - if we were together. Like t-tonight, I would - I would  _ never  _ but I thought I was single and-“ 

Kevin jerked away from him, his face completely blank. The only sign that he had registered what Connor had said was the tears streaming down his face, all because of _him._ He shook his head, backing away from Connor until his back hit the arm of the chair. 

“I’m sorry,” Connor whispered desperately, “I didn’t - it didn’t mean anything! You’d broken up with me, Kevin! And you hadn’t - you hadn’t really been giving me any attention and I - I  _ missed  _ the attention, which I know is selfish but I - you’ve not been affectionate like usual and I - I’m not blaming you! But I...I’m sorry, Kevin. I’m sorry,” 

“Did you - Did you have sex with him?” Kevin asked in a tiny voice. 

Connor shook his head, “N-No. Just a kiss. It didn’t mean anything, I swear,” 

Suddenly and out of nowhere, Kevin launched himself at him; his hand dropping to his crotch and lips attaching to his neck. Connor yelped and grabbed Kevin’s wrist, yanking it away from him. 

“What’re you - What’re you doing?” Connor asked, pushing Kevin off of him, “We can’t, not - not  _ here _ ,” 

Kevin blinked at him, “But I thought - I thought you wanted me to...” 

“No, it was - he was just a stupid rebound because I missed _you,_ ” Connor said, “I don’t even know his name,” 

Kevin stared at him for a moment before he lurched forward again, his fingers scrambling to undo Connor’s jeans. 

“Kev! Kevin, no!” Connor exclaimed, grabbing his hands and holding them away from him, “I said - I said no! I don’t want you to! Why do you think you need to do that?” 

“C-Cause I think it’s all I’m good for!” he sobbed, “sometimes I - I think that’s all you want f-from me because that’s what  _ he  _ wanted from me and he - he got it so I - I don’t know! I don’t know!” 

His sobs turned to wails and he crumpled against Connor, hands curling and uncurling his T-shirt. Connor froze for a second before he managed to actually put his arms around him, trying to sooth him the best that he could. But even after three years of being with Kevin, Connor still felt like he had no idea what he was doing when it came to helping him work through the assault. 

“Do you - Do you think you’re only good for sex?” Connor asked quietly. 

Kevin buried his face in Connor’s chest and shrugged, “I d-don’t know! But he - he used me when he wanted to so I j-just - I just thought that anyone else would!”

Connor’s blood went cold and he looked down at his sobbing ( _ ex? _ ) boyfriend, hoping that he didn’t mean  _ him.  _ That he didn’t think that he had been using him whenever he wanted sex. Connor had always thought that they had had a healthy,  _ consensual  _ sex life. What Kevin was describing didn’t sound like either of those things. 

“Kevin,” Connor said, fighting to keep his voice calm, “Have we - Have we ever had sex when you haven’t felt up to it?” 

“I t-thought that if I - if I didn’t - if I didn’t give you  _ that  _ then you wouldn’t want me,” he mumbled against his chest, “Cause he - he said to me when he was - he said that it was all I was good f-for...” 

Anger rushed through Connor’s body, only for it to be replaced with utter  _ heartbreak  _ because he had been part of the problem that he thought he had been helping Kevin through. Connor lifted Kevin’s face up; his eyes were red and puffy, and the tape that held his feeding tube to his cheek was peeling off. 

“I don’t think you’re just good for sex,” Connor whispered, “I promise. You’re more than that. You’re  _ so  _ much more than that,”

“I j-just want you to love me,” Kevin mumbled. 

“I do, Kev!” Connor said earnestly, “Last night was - it was stupid,  _ meaningless.  _ But you need to understand that I thought we weren't together anymore! I wouldn’t have done it had I known you didn’t mean to break up with me! Do you - Do you believe me?” 

Kevin’s eyes roamed around his face for a moment before he nodded and nuzzled his face into his neck, “Please don’t leave me,” 

“I won’t,” Connor whispered, stroking the back of his head, “I’m gonna stay right here. I promise. I’m sorry. But I...I wish you would have told me you didn’t want to have sex those times. I wouldn’t have been mad,” 

“S-Sometimes I think that people won’t understand me when I say no,” 

Connor squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his lips together, not wanting to break down in front of Kevin. He couldn't help but think of all those times that he had asked, " _Are you sure you want to do this, Kev?"_ and whether or not the yes he had gotten back was genuine or not. Whether Kevin had really wanted to have sex with him, or had just been trying to please him. It made him feel dirty, like he was just as bad as the General. 

“I understand you,” Connor said, “I promise. I understand,” 

He looked down at Kevin, expecting his eyes to be shut but they were wide open, staring straight ahead of him. Connor gently ran his fingers through his hair, whispering how much he loved him even though he wasn’t expecting to hear it back. But it didn’t matter, because he was  _ talking  _ and he was  _ cuddling  _ and, for reasons that Connor would probably never understand, he still wanted him and that was enough, for now. 

“Connor,” Kevin mumbled, nudging him a little, “I love you,” 

“I love you, too,” Connor whispered, unable to stop himself from crying, “So much,” 

For the first time in days, Connor felt like Kevin was coming back to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of a happy chapter, so, you're welcome


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw:/ talk of domestic abuse/abusive relationships.

James was sceptical, Chris was relieved that he wouldn’t have to spend as much time in the hospital thanks to there being more people who wanted to see Kevin, Nabulungi wanted the line to move faster and Arnold was trying his very best to remember what bizarre concoction of syrups he had the last time he had come to Starbucks. 

Connor just wished that Jack would chill out and understand that the simple act of standing in a Starbucks wasn’t going to send him to Hell. Isaac was clearly just as uncomfortable, but seemed to me doing much better at hiding it than his younger brother. His wife, Freya, seemed to be the only one who wasn’t having a Starbucks induced panic attack. Though that might have been because she was too busy trying to wrangle her and Isaac’s rather energetic one year old son, Leo. Connor thought he was like Kevin. 

“All I’m saying,” James said as he and Connor waited at the end of the counter for their drinks, “is that if he has memory problems, and also issues with dealing with his emotions, you’re not going to be very happy with him whilst he deals with this, are you?” 

“And all I’m saying, is that I can’t abandon him now,” Connor countered. 

“I never said anything about _abandoning_ him,” James said, “but maybe suggest that you take a break?” 

“A _break_?” Connor repeated, “No way. I can’t just walk away when things get difficult! And he - he needs me right now,” 

“Needs you for target practice?”

Connor immediately covered his cheek with his hand, making James scoff and roll his eyes. When they had asked, he had told Jack, Isaac and Freya that he had simply walked into a door at Chris and James’ apartment. It was much easier than admitting what had actually happened, especially when he himself was trying his best to pretend that it hadn’t happened. 

“You’re lying about it,” James said, “Which is exactly what my mom-” 

“ _No,”_ Connor hissed, “Don’t compare Kevin to your dad. They’re not the same person!” 

“He hit you!” 

“He was scared,” Connor said, lowering his voice when Isaac came to stand beside them, “He didn’t know what he was doing,” 

“Yeah, and my dad was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing,” 

“You’re projecting onto me and Kevin instead of being in therapy like you should be,” Connor snapped. 

“We don’t all have cushy jobs on Broadway, Connor! Some of us just about make rent never mind therapy!” James snapped, “and this isn’t about me, this is about-” 

“Are you two okay?” Isaac asked, walking over to them, “You seem a little...tense,” 

Chris looked over at this, eyes flickering between Connor and James with his eyebrows raised. James tutted and shook his head, muttering something about going to find them a table. He could have gone and found a new table in a completely different Starbucks for all Connor cared. He didn’t much appreciate the therapy session off _James Church_ of all people. He wasn’t exactly known for having fantastic mental health. 

“Are you _arguing_?” Chris asked, like he’d never heard of such a thing, “We never argue. Let’s not start being the sort of friends that argue all the time,” 

“Tell your boyfriend that,” Connor muttered. 

Isaac looked between the two of them and then cleared his throat, “I’m gonna go and, uh...find James,” 

When Isaac had practically fled the scene, Chris turned back to Connor, his arms folded tightly, “So?” 

“He’s projecting,” Connor said impatiently, “About this,” 

He gestured vaguely to the cut on his face, which was looking _a lot_ better than it had been. The swelling had completely gone down and the cut was now so small, Connor could only really see it when he stared at himself in the mirror for too long (something he actively avoided doing). And once the bruising had gone, it would be like it never happened and Connor would never have to think about it again. 

Chris sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “His mom still hasn’t divorced his dad. And she’s saying that she won’t because they’re _happy_ ,” 

“I know,” Connor said, “I’m not stupid,” 

“So can you not cut him a little slack?” Chris asked, “He’s not doing it maliciously, or to upset you. He’s just genuinely worried about you,” 

“Kevin isn’t James’ dad!” Connor said, a little desperately, “You know he’s not. You _all_ know he’s not. That day he - he was just scared and overwhelmed! He’d never do it now!” 

“We can’t make you do anything, you just...you need to think about yourself, too. It's not all about Kevin,” 

Chris squeezed his arm comfortingly before walking away, presumably to find James. Nabulungi gave Connor a questioning look but he just shook his head and followed Chris over to their table, purposely sitting as far away from James as he could. 

“Arguing isn’t a good idea right now,” Nabulungi whispered to Connor as she sat next to him. 

“Tell that to specky four eyes,” Connor mumbled. 

Nabulungi tutted and hit him round the head, “Stop being childish,” 

Connor was saved from a lecture by his phone pinging. Expecting it to be Ed asking him when he was coming back to work again, he pulled it out of his pocket with an eye roll, only to nearly drop it to the floor when he realised that it was Kevin. 

**Kev: Are you coming to see me today?**

**Connor: Yeah. Just in Starbucks, I’ll bring you coffee.**

**Kev: :D**

**Also do you know what happened to my Switch? Louisa brought it in this morning, apparently I asked her to get someone to fix it for me? I don’t remember though**

**Obviously**

**Connor: I think you dropped it.**

**Kev: Whoops**

Connor shoved his phone in his pocket and rested his chin on his hand, drumming his fingers against the table. Kevin’s memory was a lot worse than he had thought it was, and he didn’t feel like explaining to him exactly _how_ his Switch had broken. Maybe he could just keep up the lie about him dropping it, rather than telling him that he had launched it across the room in a fit of rage. 

“What’s the matter?” Nabulungi asked quietly. 

“Kevin doesn’t remember anything from the day he had that...meltdown,” Connor muttered, “Do you think I should tell him?” 

Nabulungi shrugged, “If he asks,” 

Connor wasn’t sure that it was that simple, but was glad that he at least seemed happy to have it back. It seemed like a good distraction for him, especially if it meant he wouldn’t ask questions that Connor didn’t want to answer. 

Still, Connor could sense a change through Kevin’s texts. They seemed more upbeat, and the slight joke about his memory told Connor that maybe he was actually getting better, that things weren’t completely falling apart at the seams. 

“Have your parents said anything about coming to see Kevin?” Arnold asked. 

Jack and Isaac exchanged a look that Connor didn’t think meant good news. 

“Well...yes. They want to,” Jack said, “but not with - not with Connor,” 

"Lovely," Connor muttered. 

“He’s not gonna speak to them if Connor isn’t there,” Arnold said, “There's no way,” 

James scoffed and muttered something under his breath, and whilst Connor didn’t hear him, he didn’t think that it was going to anything nice. He glared over at James for a moment before Chris caught his eye and gave him a glare so fierce he looked away. 

“Sorry, am I missing something?” Jack asked. 

“Kevin hit Connor,” James said. 

“ _Hit you?”_ Freya gasped. 

“It was an accident! He threw a book at me! It’s not the same!” Connor exclaimed, “It’s also no one else’s business, thank-you, James,” 

“If this is something he does often-“ Isaac began. 

“ _No!”_ Connor yelled, so loud that tables close to them also fell silent. He groaned and hid his face in his hands, “It was - it was once. He was distressed. It wasn’t - it wasn’t like _that._ I swear,” 

An uncomfortable silence fell across the table, no one quite knowing where to look. Connor tutted and slumped in his chair, folding his arms. He did not appreciate Kevin being talked about like he was some violent thug, because that could not have been further from the truth. James of all people should have been able to tell the difference between people like his dad and people like Kevin. 

“He hates violence,” Connor said, “You all know he does,” 

“That doesn’t change the fact that-“ 

“ _Shut up, James!”_ Connor yelled, slamming his hand down on the table, “You’re making him into someone that he’s not!” 

“You sound like my mom!” 

“Not every relationship is like your parents! When are you gonna fucking understand that? It’s not mine or Kevin’s fault that your mom won’t divorce your dad!” 

“ _Connor!”_ Chris exclaimed. 

James stared at him, bottom lip trembling and cheeks bright red as tears slipped down them. He slowly got to his feet and for a moment, Connor thought that he was going to lunge at him before he remembered that if there was anyone who wasn’t going to start a fight, it was James. 

“I’m sorry for trying to help,” he mumbled before turning on his heel and walking away, his head bowed. 

“Well done, dickhead,” Chris snapped before hurrying after his boyfriend. 

Connor groaned and put his head in his hands, digging the heel of his palms into his eyes. Somehow, shouting at James felt like shouting at a baby. Maybe he wouldn’t have felt as guilty if he _had_ been shouting at a baby. 

He felt a tiny hand on the back of his head and looked up to Leo grinning at him, as though nothing was wrong. And as Connor stared at him - and realised he and Kevin had the same eyes and nose - he thought that maybe shouting at a baby _would_ be just as bad. 

“Hey, bud,” Connor muttered, all whilst trying to quell his fear of talking to babies, because he had never quite worked out how. He had always gone out of his way to avoid working at the school village in Uganda, just because anyone under the age of ten terrified him. 

Leo held his arms out to Connor who just sat and stared, unsure of what he was meant to do. Freya rolled her eyes and held him out to him. 

“That means hold him,”

“Oh,” Connor said, “I, Uh - I don’t - I don’t know how to hold-“ 

Before he could finish stuttering through his excuse as to why he could hold Leo, Freya had placed him on his lap and Connor just about remembered to put his arms around his middle before he toppled to the floor. 

“He’s a baby. Not an alien. Calm down,” Nabulungi sighed. 

Connor didn’t say anything and stared down at the top of Leo’s head, wondering if he and Kevin would ever get there. It was no secret that Kevin loved kids and wanted a family of his own, but the chances of him wanting to live long enough to get there...Connor quickly thrust that thought from his mind. He would get there. He _had_ to get there. 

“He isn’t a bad person,” Connor said, “Kevin. And he’s never - he’s never hurt me before. That’s not what he’s like,” 

No one said anything. Even Leo seemed to realise that something was wrong, looking around the table with a pout. Connor sighed and handed him back to Freya, quickly standing up and hastily wiping his eyes.

“I’m going to buy him a coffee and then - then go to the hospital,” he said, “Is anyone coming?” 

“We’ll let you two have some time on your own,” Nabulungi said.

Isaac nodded, “Yeah. And tell him that...that he has a nephew to meet,” 

It was a lonely journey to the hospital. Connor was unable to focus on much apart from James, and how his opinion on Kevin had changed so quickly. They were _best friends._ They had formed a special little bond in Uganda, one that was so strong that even he and Chris understood that sometimes their boyfriends needed time together.Connor couldn’t fathom it. James hating Kevin was about as likely as Arnold hating him. 

When he got to the ward, he waved at Louisa and Doctor Daniels and quietly slipped into Kevin’s room. He was sat cross legged on his bed, tongue between his teeth as he stared down at his Switch with a look of intense concentration. 

Connor cleared his throat once, twice, _three times,_ before Kevin finally looked up at him. 

“Coffee!” he exclaimed. 

“I’m here too, Kev,” Connor muttered, handing him his coffee and sitting in his usual chair, “Everything good?” 

Kevin nodded, dropping his Switch to his bed, “Yeah. I slept five hours last night,” 

“Good,” Connor said, “A lot better than it has been,” 

“Yup!” Kevin said, happily taking a sip of his drink, “Is James here? I finally downloaded that Zelda game he’s been telling me to for like...3 months. It’s so good!” 

Connor faltered and stared down at his hands, “Uh...n-no. He’s not - He’s not coming today.” 

Kevin pouted, furrowing his brows, “Why? I need to talk to him about it! Look, I even wrote it down in this notebook that Louisa gave me! It's like a diary, it's meant to help with my memory or something," 

Connor's heart dropped to his stomach when he looked down at Kevin's notebook. He had scrawled, ' _TELL JAMES ABOUT ZELDA!!!'_ under that days date, along with ' _Ask Connor about my Switch'_ and ' _Facetime Arnold before I go to sleep'_. 

“Because he...um - he...I - Uh...” 

“What?” Kevin asked, “Is he okay?”

Unconsciously, Connor put his hand over his cheek and rested his elbow on Kevin’s nightstand as he tried to think of a good enough excuse as to why James wasn’t there. It was almost embarrassing, really, the fact that he was an actor and couldn’t even tell a simple lie. 

Kevin frowned and reached towards Connor, who flinched away without even realising what he was doing. Kevin withdrew his hand immediately, eyes travelling over Connor’s face and coming to a standstill on his cheek. 

“What happened?” Kevin asked with a frown, “Was it - Was it that man?” 

Connor shook his head, “N-No. It’s nothing, sweetheart,” 

Kevin’s frown deepened and he looked down at the Switch on his lap, picking it up and then dropping it back down to the bed. 

“Why are you lying to me?”

“I’m - I’m not-“

“I already have memory problems, you’re not gonna help me by lying to me. You’ll confuse me more,” he paused for a moment, “I...I didn’t drop this, did I?” 

“No,” Connor whispered. 

Kevin huffed in the way that he usually did when faced with a particularly hard assignment from college and was determined to work it out himself. Connor watched as he looked down at his Switch and then back up at Connor, his bottom lip trembling. 

“I hurt you,” 

“It’s - It’s fine,” Connor said quickly, “It was an accident,” 

“No, no, _no,”_ he mumbled, “No, I’m - I’m sorry! I didn’t want to, I swear, I swear!” 

He drew his knees up to his chest and hid his face, his entire body visibly shaking. Connor sighed and hesitantly put his hand on Kevin’s shoulder, desperately trying to prove that he wasn’t scared, even if it looked that way. 

“Kev,” Connor said quietly, “Please look at me. I’m not - I’m not angry with you. I promise,” 

Kevin looked up at him, eyes red and swollen, “‘s this why James isn’t here? Cause he thinks that I’m - that I did it on purpose?” 

“Yeah,” Connor said, resigning himself to the fact that there was no point in lying anymore. 

Kevin scrunched his face up and let out a sound like a wounded animal. He dropped his face back down to his knees, his entire body visibly shaking. Connor was at a loss of what to do and quickly moved to sit on the edge of the bed, running his hands up and down Kevin’s arms in a desperate attempt to comfort him. 

“Baby, I don’t - I don’t agree with James. He’s wrong, I _know_ he’s wrong,” Connor said, “Please look at me. I’m not angry, I just - you’re right. It’s not fair to lie to you. I shouldn’t have lied to you about why your Switch was broken. I’m sorry.” 

“You flinched,” Kevin mumbled, not looking up at him. 

“I’m not scared,” Connor whispered, “It’s just been on my mind. James and I had an argument about it, that’s all. I’m a little on edge,” 

Kevin’s cries only seemed to get worse, “I don’t w-want you to - to argue with h-him, cause of - cause of me. He doesn’t - He doesn’t like arguments,” 

“We’ll make up,” Connor promised, “and he won’t think you’re like his dad. He’s just - He’s stressed about his mom and I probably made it worse by shouting. He’ll understand,” 

Kevin looked up at him, his eyes wide in fear, “Is that - Is that why Arnold isn’t here? Does he t-think that I’m like that? Does he n-not want to be my friend a-anymore?” 

Connor couldn’t help himself and pulled Kevin in for a hug, grateful that he didn’t try and push him away. He hid his face in his shoulder, violently shaking as his tears soaked through Connor's t-shirt. He wished that James could see this side of him, the side that was so obviously distraught at the thought of hurting somebody. 

“He still wants to be your friend,” Connor said, “Of course he does. We all still want you in our lives, Kev. Even James. We love you,” 

“I’m sorry,” Kevin whispered against his shoulder, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” 

“I know you are,” Connor said, “I know. It’s okay, I love you. I’m not mad,” 

He repeated it over and over again until Kevin’s cries subsided and he pulled away, slumping against the headboard. 

“I don’t deserve you,” 

Connor rolled his eyes and sat next to him, picking up his hand, “Shut up. Yes you do,” 

“I’m a terrible person,” 

“No, you’re not. You’ve just had terrible things happen to you and you’re still learning to deal with them,” Connor said firmly, "There's a difference," 

“That’s not an excuse to hit you,” Kevin sniffled. 

“No,” Connor agreed, “but you didn’t want to hit me, did you? It was accidental,”

Kevin sniffled again and rested his head on Connor’s shoulder, playing with his fingers a little. It took a while, but Connor eventually coaxed him into carrying on playing Zelda, happily watching him as he did.

If it weren’t for the hospital, the feeding tube and Kevin occasionally forgetting what parts of the game he had completed, it was almost like the last week had never happened. It was almost like they were back to their normal. And whilst Connor was occasionally naive and too romantic for his own good, he knew that their normal was gone. There wasn't going to be any bouncing back. 

When Louisa came in to hook Kevin’s tube up to a bag of food, Connor looked away. Not because he thought it was disgusting, but because he had a feeling that Kevin would rather him pretend that it wasn’t happening. Not that he himself wasn’t still pretending that it was happening. 

“Comfortable?” Louisa asked. 

Kevin gave a half-hearted shrug and turned back to his Switch, occasionally wrinkling his nose. 

“Maybe we can try solid food tonight,” Louisa said. 

“No point,” Kevin mumbled, “I’ll just be sick again. I’ll be on this for the rest of my life,” 

Connor’s heart sank, he hated hearing Kevin sound so _defeated._ He looked over at Louisa as she sat on the edge of the bed and knocked her knee against Kevin’s until he looked up at her, tears slipping down his cheeks. 

“It’s been under a week, Kevin. This is gonna be a long road, you know that,” she said gently, “We have to try things even if they might not work. Talk to Doctor Daniels about it tomorrow,” 

Kevin nodded and dropped his head back onto Connor’s shoulder, pushing his Switch away from him and staring down as their hands. 

“Your brothers are here, do you want me to send them in?” 

“I guess...” Kevin muttered, though he looked like it was the last thing that he wanted. 

Connor nudged him and smiled, “Cheer up, you have a nephew to meet,” 

Unsurprisingly, Kevin perked up at this, a smile spreading across his face. He grinned even wider when Louisa came back, followed by Freya, Jack, Isaac and a very giggly Leo in his dad's arms. 

“You - You had a kid?” Kevin asked in a hushed voice. 

Isaac nodded, “This is Leo, he’s a year old,” 

Kevin gasped, staring at his nephew with wide eyes, as though he had never seen something so incredible in his life. Leo was staring around the room with eyes as equally wide, clearly curious about this strange new room that he was in. 

“Wanna hold him?” Isaac asked. 

Kevin nodded and immediately held his hands out. Connor bit his lip as he watched Kevin take his nephew into his arms, looking completely relaxed and as though he had been a dad for years - the exact opposite to how Connor felt whenever someone handed him a baby.

Leo stared up at Kevin and gently placed his hand on his feeding tube, tiny face wrought with confusion. 

“Wha’s that?” 

“Ah, ah, no touch,” Freya said hastily, “Sorry, Kev. He’s recently learned how to ask what things are,” 

Kevin shook his head, not taking his eyes off Leo, “It’s okay. I don’t mind,” 

Connor watched as Leo frowned and then poked the plaster that secured the tube to Kevin’s cheek. He stared at it for a moment longer before leaning forward and planting a kiss to it. 

“Be’ta!” he announced with a grin, looking up at his parents. 

“He thinks it’s a band aid,” Isaac said quickly when he noticed Connor’s confused look, “He’s kissing it better,” 

Kevin smiled a little and held Leo closer to him, who happily snuggled into his chest and looked like he would like to stay there for the rest of time. Connor smiled and rested his head on Kevin’s shoulder, reaching out to gently stroke his fingers through Leo’s hair. 

If it were up to Connor, he would have watched Kevin and Leo for the rest of the day. Even Jack seemed to finally relax; he sat at the bottom of Kevin’s bed, resting on his elbow and laughing whenever Kevin succeeded in making Leo giggle hysterically. 

And as lovely as it was, it somehow made Connor feel worse, because it wasn’t just Kevin who had been robbed of a family thanks to his parents, it had been Jack, Isaac and Freya, too. Maybe all of his anger these past few years had been misplaced on Jack and Isaac. He wasn’t sure they were anymore at fault for what had happened than Kevin was. 

When they had left, Kevin seemed to deflate again. He slumped down in his pillows and stared at his hands. 

“What’s on your mind?” Connor asked quietly. 

Kevin shrugged, “Just, if I’d have...if I’d have - if it had worked, then I never would have known about Leo,” 

Connor nodded, “Yeah. And you’d never have been able to try and repair your relationship with your brothers,” 

Kevin sighed and rested his head on Connor’s shoulder, “Visiting hours are almost over,” 

“5 minutes,” Connor said, glancing at the clock on the wall, “They can’t throw me out yet,” 

“I don’t want you to go,” Kevin mumbled, “I don’t like sleeping on my own,” 

“I don't, either but you’ll be home soon,” Connor whispered, “and then you won’t have to,” 

The last 5 minutes felt like it lasted seconds. When Louisa stuck her head in the room to tell Connor it was time to go, he was certain that she was too early until he looked up at the clock. He sighed as he got out of bed, trying his best to drag out the simple acts of putting his phone back in his pocket and picking his jacket up off the chair. 

“I’ll be back tomorrow,” Connor said, “Text me if you want me to bring you something,” 

“Promise Arnold isn’t mad at me?” Kevin asked in a small voice. 

“Promise,” Connor said, leaning down to kiss his forehead. 

“So if I Facetimed him he’d pick up?” 

“He answers your Facetime calls when he’s in the shower, of course he will,” Connor laughed. 

"And you'll make up with James?" 

"I promise," 

He left the room to the sound of a very gleeful Arnold answering the phone and immediately demanding that they play Animal Crossing together. And Connor thought that maybe they were all going to come out of the other side of this. Or most of them, anyway. 

He considered going to Chris and James' for all of 5 seconds before he realised that he was probably as welcome there as he was in a Temple. He stood outside of the hospital for a while, trying to figure out what to do. There was always Arnold and Nabulungi, or Ed, or maybe even Isaac and Freya if he asked nicely enough, but he didn't feel like being around anyone for a while. 

Besides, if Kevin was going to come home soon, - and it was really starting to feel like that was the direction they were going in - Connor didn't want him coming home to a messy apartment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the slow update, but thank-you for reading!! <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:/ Mention of suicide note.

Going home was perhaps the worst thing that Connor could have done. 

He tried his very best to act normal, but that was incredibly hard to do when there were still pills scattered on the bathroom floor and a note addressed to him on the kitchen table. His first reaction was anger. Not at Kevin, but at James and Nabulungi. Why on Earth would they leave the note for him? Even when Kevin was in the ICU and there was no promise of him waking up, Connor had not wanted to read it, so he _certainly_ didn’t want to read it when he was alive. 

But now that he was faced with the actual note, he was actually debating reading it. In a strange sort of way, it felt like a betrayal of Kevin’s trust, because whatever was written in it, wasn’t meant to be read whilst he was still alive. 

Connor turned his back on the kitchen table and walked into the bedroom. He stood in the doorway for a fraction of the second before he turned on his heel and slammed the door shut behind him. 

His immediate reaction was to call Chris and James, until he remembered that they were as pissed off with him as he was with them. He considered calling Arnold and Nabulungi, but he didn’t want to make them worry anymore than they probably already were. 

And even though he would have snapped at Kevin for not turning to their friends when he needed them, Connor took their spare blankets and pillows and dumped them onto the sofa. He didn’t think that he could face sleeping in their bed alone. He could barely face sleeping on the sofa alone. 

He didn’t sleep well, but he very rarely did. He tossed and turned for most of the night, constantly jumping from nightmare to consciousness and then somewhere in between. The fact that Kevin’s note was just metres away from him didn’t make sleep any easier. 

Whenever Connor was dragged out of sleep by yet another nightmare, he would always end up sitting at the kitchen table, staring down at the note as though it might make the decision of whether or not to read it for him. Part of him wanted to call Chris or Ed or _anyone,_ but the other part of him still wasn’t ready to confront the fact that his boyfriend had written a _suicide_ note. 

That thought was usually enough to get him crawling back under his blankets and cry into the cushions until he finally fell asleep again. 

Around 4 AM, both his curiosity, and the intense need to make sure that Kevin never wrote a letter like this again, got the better of him and leapt over the back of the sofa, snatching the note off the table. He opened it with shaking hands, the worry about betraying Kevin quickly forgotten. 

The first thing he noticed was how erratic Kevin’s handwriting was. Connor used to joke that his handwriting looked like a computer font, but what he was looking at was far from that. 

He couldn’t even begin to comprehend what sort of state Kevin was in when he had written this. The letters were big and spikey, some of the ink had run, presumably from tears dropping down onto the paper as he was writing. Connor hated the thought of him hunched over a notebook, scribbling his last goodbyes because he felt like he had no other option. 

He couldn’t help but wonder when he had written it. Had it been hours, days, weeks, _months_ in advance? Or had it been right before he had done it? Had Connor been in the apartment whilst he had been writing them, or had he been too busy with work? Perhaps Connor had left him alone, mistakenly thinking that he was doing university work and not wanting to interrupt him. 

It was short, only a page, but still the worst thing that Connor had ever had the displeasure of reading. He crumpled to the ground, slumped against the kitchen cabinets as deep, guttural sobs roared out of him. 

Somehow, in the midst of everything, he managed to call Chris, sobbing hysterically down the phone until he heard him promise to be over as quick as traffic would allow. 

“Connor!” Chris exclaimed after he had let himself into the apartment, “What’s - What’s going on? Has something happened to Kevin?” 

He could only reply by sliding the note across the floor to him. Chris picked it up with a frown, his face immediately paling. 

“Dude...” he said quietly, dropping to his knees next to him, “You shouldn’t have read it...” 

“H-How could I not?” Connor sobbed, “I d-didn’t - I didn’t know that it was h-here and then I - I couldn’t ignore it!” 

“Alright, alright...” he said soothingly, putting his arm around him, “but he’s okay. He’s alive. He’s getting better. You’re gonna be alright, both of you,” 

“You don’t want that for us though,” Connor mumbled against his shoulder. 

He felt Chris tense, “No, I - I want you to - I want you to....I want you to be able to ask him to marry you, and then I - I want to be there for you at your wedding but I...it just freaked me out, alright? I hate the thought of him hitting you!” 

Connor wasn’t sure how many times he was going to have to tell his friends that it was an accident, but he would keep on saying it until they got it into their heads. 

“I know it was an accident,” Chris said, “And so does Jamie. He said to me today that he knew it was an accident, but he just - he needs time to wrap his head around it,” 

“Kevin wanted to see him today,” Connor sniffled, “And I had to - I had to tell him why he wasn’t there...” 

“I’ll talk to him,” Chris whispered, “He’ll come round,” 

It had long since turned 6 AM by the time Chris managed to convince Connor to come home with him, reassuring him that James really wouldn’t mind and that he needed to sleep on something that wasn’t his kitchen floor. 

“Kevin’s gonna have a panic attack if you go the hospital looking as shit as you do,” Chris said firmly, “You need a shower and a warm bed,” 

Connor was too exhausted to fight back and let Chris drag him out of the apartment. He could barely pay attention to anything happening around him, too busy focused on the sentences from Kevin’s note chasing themselves around his brain. 

_“I hate doing this to you, but I don’t see any other way out...”_

_“Maybe in another life, this would work out...”_

_“You deserve someone who smiles more...”_

_“It’s better this way, I promise...”_

_“It’s better this way,”_

_“It’s better this way,”_

_“It’s better this way,”_

_“It’s better this way,”_

“Connor? Connor? Is anyone in there? _Hellooo?_ ” 

Someone gently nudging his shoulder brought him back to earth. He blinked his eyes back into focus and jerked back a little, James was peering closely at him, worry etched onto his face. He hadn’t even realised that they had made it all the way to Chris and James’ apartment. He didn’t remember getting off the Subway. 

“Sorry. Zoned out,” Connor muttered, “I’m just gonna - I’m gonna go to bed and-” 

“Hey,” James said, grabbing his arm as he tried to brush passed him, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed the worst about Kev,” 

Connor gave a half-hearted shrug, “Doesn’t matter. I get it. It’s fine,” 

“I sorta feel like it was my fault that you called Chris at-” 

“I read his note,” Connor said, “It wasn’t your fault,” 

James dropped his arm, eyebrows raised, “I didn’t - I didn’t mean to leave it at your place. When we went back, Naba and I, we were - we were stressed, I don’t even remember-” 

“It’s fine,” Connor said, “I just want to go to bed,” 

“Okay,” James said, “I’ll see him tomorrow,” 

Connor nodded and walked straight into the spare bedroom and slammed the door behind him before flopping down face first onto the bed. He waited a few moments before bursting into tears again, knowing that Chris was probably standing outside waiting for his inevitable breakdown. When Connor heard Chris walk away, probably to catch up on all the sleep he hadn’t got because of Connor, he allowed himself to fall apart again. 

He crawled underneath the covers and sobbed into the pillow, relying on it to muffle his cries because no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t stop thinking about those four words. 

_It’s better this way. It’s better this way. It’s better this way. It’s better this way. It’s better this way._

Connor wasn’t sure what sort of boyfriend he had been to make Kevin think that the world would have been better off without him, but he didn’t think that he’d ever forgive himself for it. 

* * *

Connor woke up to a pounding headache, and it took him a moment to realise that it wasn’t because of a few too many shots of Tequila, but because he had cried himself to sleep. He lay in bed for a while, staring blankly up at the ceiling and trying to figure out how he was going to convince Kevin that the world was better off _with_ him. 

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door and he grunted in its general direction, assuming that it would just be Chris. Instead, it was Chris, James, Arnold _and_ Nabulungi, which he felt was a bit excessive. 

“We brought gifts!” Arnold exclaimed. 

“Breakfast. He means breakfast,” Nabulungi said, holding up a tray of food and climbing into bed next to him, “Croissant?” 

“Sure,” Connor said, but only because he was worried that they would try and force feed him if he said no. 

They ate in silence, Connor pretending not to notice the glances that the others were exchanging. He couldn’t tell if they were worried about him going the same way as Kevin, or preparing to lecture him about his relationship - _again_. He wasn’t sure which was worse, and was half hoping that one (or all) of them would be dragged off to college before he remembered that it was Sunday. 

James cleared his throat and nudged Connor with his foot, “I am sorry, Con. About everything with Kevin, I know I shouldn’t project and that you’re not like my mom and dad,” 

Connor stared at him for a moment and then shrugged, looking back down at his half-eaten croissant. 

“I know. It’s fine,” 

“Kinda feel like it isn’t,” 

“What do you want me to say, James? That I’m fine with the fact that you’re convinced that you think Kevin abuses me even though I’ve told you like 500 times that he doesn’t?” Connor snapped, “and that I’m fine with the fact that you’ve basically turned your back on him when right now all he really wants from you is to sit with him and play stupid video games?” 

James sighed, “If it means anything to you, I’ll go and see him tomorrow,” 

“You could go today,” Connor said, “Instead of leaving him to panic and think that you hate him,” 

“I don’t really want to intrude _today_ of all days,” James said, “I don’t need to be around you two when your lovey dovey-ness is worse than usual,” 

Connor frowned, “What?” 

“Uh...do you know what day it is, bud?” Chris asked. 

“Sunday?” 

“Specifically,” 

“March 23rd - oh god. _Oh god,_ it’s March 23rd. How could I forget that it’s March 23rd?” Connor said, “It’s March 23rd!” 

“You’ve mentioned, buddy,” Arnold said gently, “and it’s fine. Kevin might have forgot, you know what his memory is-” 

“You might want to check your phone,” Nabulungi muttered. 

Connor launched himself over Nabulungi and grabbed his phone off the floor. There was one lone notification telling him that Kevin had tagged him in a picture on Instagram. Inwardly cursing when he opened it to find that it was a picture of the two of them from their last New Years Eve party. They were sitting on their sofa, Connor had fallen asleep slumped against Kevin at around 11 PM and had only woken up to kiss him before falling back asleep again. Kevin was smiling brightly as the camera even though Connor was drooling on his favourite shirt. 

“He never puts a picture on his social media for our anniversary,” Connor whispered, “He thinks that it’s all celebrity-culture-influencer bullshit that doesn’t mean anything,” 

“Aw,” Chris said, “Isn’t he the most romantic?” 

Connor groaned and flopped against Nabulungi, “I can’t believe I forgot our anniversary and he didn’t! He’s the one with memory problems!” he perked up suddenly, “Wait! I didn’t forget! I bought him something like two weeks ago when-” 

“We thought you’d probably bought him something so we went round to check,” Chris said gently, “Did find out things about you that I didn’t need to though,” 

“What are you - _oh._ It was in the bottom of my closet next to _the box_ ,” 

Chris nodded, “I didn’t realise two people needed so many sex toys,” 

“We don’t need to talk about this,” 

“Literally full to the brim,” Chris continued without a care in the world, “also, there was this one thing that I could not wrap my head around. It looked like a butt plug but then it was attached to another bit? Couldn’t really workout what went where,” 

“I think it was a fusion of a cock ring and a butt plug,” James said thoughtfully, “which just seems uncomfortable, honestly,” 

“When we’ve all finished talking about my sex toys!” Connor yelled, “Can you all please leave me alone so I can go and see my boyfriend on our anniversary?” 

“Before we go,” Chris said, “There was a lot of bondage stuff, so who's tying who up?” 

“ _CHRISTOPHER!”_

“It’s _definitely_ Connor,” Arnold said as they all left the room, “I swear Kevin got a boner once when he was being yelled at for not doing his chores in Uganda,” 

* * *

Connor tried not to dwell too much on the fact that on their last anniversary, Kevin had surprised him with dinner in a restaurant that was well out of their budget, or the fact that this anniversary should have been their first as fiancés.

He also tried not to dwell too much on the fact that this was also the one week anniversary of his attempt, but that was much easier said than done. The note was still chasing itself around Connor’s brain, reminding him again and again that his boyfriend felt like the world was better off without him and suggesting that he was perhaps at fault for him thinking that. Had he been a better boyfriend, Kevin probably wouldn’t have felt that way. 

As he stood in the elevator, present in one hand, coffee in the other and a bunch of sunflowers tucked under his arm, he couldn’t help but wonder if they were really going to have a life together after this. Kevin was right; an Instagram picture didn’t mean anything. 

“Happy anniversary!” Louisa exclaimed when she saw him, “Kevin’s excited to see you,” 

Connor smiled, “Is he okay? It’s been a week and-” 

“He hasn’t mentioned it, I don’t think he remembers,” Louisa said, “and I don’t think today is the day to mention it to him. He’s in a good mood,” 

She opened the door to Kevin’s room for him with a grin, and Connor stepped in with his usually hesitance. As much as he trusted Louisa, he had learned that her version of ‘okay’ was very different to his version. 

Kevin was sitting on his bed, staring down at a haphazardly wrapped package in his lap. Connor stood and stared at him for a moment, partly because he didn’t want to startle him and party because sometimes, he just liked to watch his boyfriend exist. 

“Hey,” Connor said finally, “Happy anniversary,” 

Kevin’s head snapped up and his face split into a wide grin, “Happy anniversary!” 

“I brought you coffee,” Connor said, placing it on his bedside table and kissing his forehead because he couldn’t really workout where they stood on that front. 

“I love the way you say coffee,” Kevin giggled. 

Connor rolled his eyes as he set the flowers down and handed Kevin his present. He had never thought that he had a particularly strong accent, but Kevin acted like he sounded like an extra from the Godfather. Connor put it down to him being from Utah and not knowing any better. 

“I got you something,” Kevin said brightly, shoving the present into his hands, “I ordered it ages ago but I got Jack to go over to our apartment and get it for me. He also wrapped it so...ignore the wrapping,” 

“You really didn’t need to get me anything, Kev,” Connor sighed, sitting on the bed next to him. 

“I’m not stupid I know that when you say ‘I don’t want anything’ I know you actually want something,” Kevin said. 

Connor laughed and ripped open the paper, unable to contain his excitement. He gasped when he opened the box and looked over at Kevin. He wanted nothing more than to kiss him senseless but just about managed to contain himself. 

“ _Kev..._ you - you shouldn’t have! These are...They’re so expensive!” he exclaimed, looking down at the tap shoes in his lap. And they weren’t _just_ tap shoes, they were the tap shoes that he had been dreaming about owning ever since he was 12 years old. 

“You talk about them all the time,” Kevin shrugged before frowning, “Sorry. You’re not mad, are you? You’re always worrying about money and I’m not working right now so maybe I should have-” 

“No, no! I’m not mad!” Connor said quickly, “I don’t think I’ll ever be mad at you again now that I have these,” 

“Even when I forget to take the trash out and stink out the whole apartment?” 

Connor laughed and dropped the shoebox to the floor, pressing a kiss to Kevin’s cheek, “Even then. Wanna open yours?” 

He grinned at him as he picked up his present and ripped open the packaging. It was hard to believe that person who was grinning so widely had last week written a note to say goodbye. 

“Was this expensive?” Kevin asked quietly. 

It was a watch that Kevin had seen in a store window but had refused to buy it because he didn't believe in spending money on things that weren’t strictly essential. Connor would argue that knowing what time it was is essential, Kevin would respond by waving his phone in his face and pointing out that the clock on there was perfectly functional. 

“I know how much those tap shoes were,” Connor countered, taking the watch out of the box and picking up Kevin’s hand, “It doesn’t matter,” 

“Kinda feels like it matters if we can’t make rent...” 

Connor laughed as he fastened the watch onto his wrist that was so much thinner than he remembered, “We’ll be able to make rent, I’m sure,” 

“I got fired,” Kevin said, “Cause I’m ‘unreliable’, even though I think the word he was looking for was _suicidal_ ’,” 

“Kevin...” 

“It’s true! I’m not in here for a vacation, am I?” Kevin mumbled, nuzzling his face into his neck before sighing, “Sorry. Bad joke,” 

“It’s okay,” Connor said quietly, “It’s, well...it’s true...” 

“Sorry,” Kevin said, “I didn’t...I didn’t want this to be how we spent our anniversary,” 

“It’s okay, I -” Connor paused, something suddenly occurring to him, “When you bought those shoes did you - did you know that you were gonna-” 

“Yeah,” Kevin said quietly, “Sorry. I wanted to - I still wanted you to have something cause...I’m sorry,” 

Connor shook his head and wiped his eyes, “I’m just...I’m happy you’re alive, Kevin,” 

Kevin looked up at him and for a moment, Connor thought that he was going to lean in for a kiss before he pulled away again and leant back against the headboard. Connor tried his best to hide his disappointment, but it clearly didn’t work as Kevin sat up again and leaned towards him, one hand trailing down his chest and coming to a stop on his belt buckle. 

Connor watched him carefully, could practically see all the thoughts forming in his head. He could always tell when Kevin really wanted to have sex, or just do something as simple as kiss him. At least, he thought that he always could. He had still not quite moved on from Kevin admitting that sometimes they’d had sex just because he felt like that’s what Connor wanted from him. 

“Kev,” Connor whispered, taking his hand and pushing it away from him, “We don’t have to,” 

“We haven’t kissed for - for days,” Kevin mumbled, “And you want to,” 

“Yeah,” Connor said, “but I - I only want to do what you’re comfortable with,” 

“I - I can’t, sorry. Intimacy it - it’s freaking me out and I - I’m sorry,” 

“It’s okay,” Connor said earnestly, “It’s fine. I don’t mind. We can - We can wait until you’re feeling better. We have all the time in the world,” 

“I want to be normal,” Kevin whispered. 

“You are-” 

“Don’t tell me I am because I’m not!” Kevin exclaimed, “I want to be able to go and sit in a coffee shop and write assignments and eat normal food and kiss you and - and _exist_. This isn’t how a normal person celebrates his anniversary! We should be at home and we should be going out for dinner later and - and -” 

“It’s okay,” Connor said, “I promise, baby, it’s okay. You don’t need to - You don’t need to work yourself up over this, it’ll be okay. We have - We have future anniversaries to look forward too and celebrate. This doesn’t have to be the end for you, Kev. There’s so much that we have to look forward to...” 

Kevin sniffled and wiped his eyes, “I’m scared you’re going to leave me,” 

“I’m not going to leave you,” Connor whispered, putting his arm around him, “I promise. I’m staying right here,” 

Kevin leaned up and pressed a soft, barely there kiss to the underside of his jaw before snuggling back into him. Connor smiled and wrapped his arms around him, trailing his fingers up and down his back. 

“Can we watch Golden Girls?” Kevin mumbled against his chest. 

Connor snorted and nodded, “Sure,” 

It took them a while to settle down, Kevin clearly still uncomfortable with physical touch. Connor knew that it wasn’t because of who Kevin was cuddling, but the fact that his boyfriend couldn’t properly relax around him didn’t make him feel better. 

They managed eventually with Kevin’s laptop balanced precariously on the edge of the bed and Connor lay behind him, cautious of holding him too tight in case he started to feel trapped. It was only when they were halfway through their third episode that Kevin grabbed Connor’s hands and pulled them tighter around him. 

“Cuddle me properly,” 

Tears welling in his eyes, because that was the most Kevin-like he had sounded in days, Connor pressed a kiss into his hair and held on tighter. He didn’t pay much attention to what was happening on the laptop, too busy appreciating the feeling of Kevin’s hands gripping onto his and another body pressed against his before visiting hours ended. Never again would he take for granted the feeling of Kevin sleeping in bed besides him. 

They spent the rest of the day watching Golden Girls, Kevin still laughing at all the jokes despite the fact that he had seen the show countless times. He had seen it so much that he could recite most of the first season word for word and Connor would probably never get bored of listening to him mutter the lines under his breath as he watched. 

“Connor?” Kevin said, suddenly breaking the silence. 

“Yeah?” 

“I want to go to the beach,” 

“Huh?” 

Kevin closed his laptop and turned over in his arms, “I don’t know, I just want to go to the beach,” 

“Well, um...I don’t think you’re allowed to leave the-” 

“I know I’m not allowed to leave but...when all this is over, I want to go to the beach,” 

Connor cleared his throat, his eyes flickering up to the ceiling because he knew that if he looked down at him, he’d probably start crying and never stop. He felt Kevin nuzzle his face against his chest, his hair tickling the underside of his chin as he got comfortable. 

“I don’t want to be alive,” Kevin continued, “but I want to stop feeling like that. I want to be happy again,” 

“Okay,” Connor whispered, “O-Okay. When all this is over we can...we can go to the beach,” 

“Can we have a barbecue?” Kevin asked, “and cocktails? Sex on The Beach? I mean the cocktail, not...not actual Sex on The Beach. I don’t want sand all up in me,” 

Connor laughed, “Whatever you want, babe,” 

He looked down just in time to see Kevin smile a little, his eyes fluttering shut. Everyday, he seemed to be getting further and further away from the person that Connor had seen in the ICU. The feeding tube was still there, like a spot on a painting, but Connor had almost grown used to it now. That didn’t mean that he couldn’t wait for the day that Kevin could eat solid food again and he could stop relying on it. For some reason, that felt like an endpoint. 

They weren’t where they needed to be, but Connor was starting to feel like maybe they were actually going to get there. 

“Hey, Connor, visiting hours are - _ah_ ,” 

Connor looked over at the door and smiled at Louisa, “Can I have 5 more minutes? He’s been like himself today. He told me he wants to go to the beach when it’s all over,” 

Louisa grinned, “He sees light at the end of the tunnel. Good. That’s what we want,” 

Connor looked back down at Kevin, brushing the hair out of his eyes. Leaving him in a good mood somehow felt worse than leaving him in a bad one. 

“Stay whilst I give him his food,” she said, “No one will kill us for it,” 

“Do I need to wake him up?” Connor asked. 

She shook her head, “No, it’s fine. I’ll get a vase for these flowers, too,” 

“Thanks,” Connor said. 

When she came back, Connor resigned himself to the fact that he was going to have to go home. Just as he went to untangle himself from Kevin, Louisa stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. 

“I can’t see you,” she said, pulling the curtains shut over the windows. 

“Pardon?” 

“I can’t see you,” she repeated, “You fell asleep and some other nurse didn’t want to wake you,” 

Connor stared at her, “Are you - Are you _sure?_ I don’t want to get you in trouble,” 

“How can I get in trouble for something that I didn’t have anything to do with?” she said, sliding the door shut with a wink, “I’ll be back in later to sort his tube out but...you weren’t there,” 

Connor smiled and slowly turned to lie on his back, Kevin making an unhappy little noise as they moved. He lay still as Kevin got comfortable again, practically laying right on top of him. Under any other circumstance, Connor would have nudged Kevin off of him but he felt like he could let it slide for once. It was their anniversary, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!  
> Sorry for the lack of updates! I've started at college and I've obvi had to prioritise that over my fics, but I feel like I've found somewhat of a better schedule now that I've got my first two weeks out of the way so hopefully you'll get actual consistent updates!  
> (still not promising anything though lol)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:// Sexual assault!!

Sleeping in bed besides someone was one of life’s simple pleasures, and something that Connor was never going to take for granted again. 

He didn’t fall asleep for hours - not because of the fact that he could hear people talking quietly outside or because there was a machine somewhere in the room that would not stop beeping, but because he wanted to savour the moment as much as he could. Kevin looked the most peaceful that he had in days.

The sleep that Connor did get was short lived. The slow, even breaths that had been tickling his chin quickly turned rapid and uneven, and the hand that had been gently curled around his shoulder suddenly gripped painfully. 

At once, Connor took his arms from around Kevin and stared down at him, praying that he would wake up quickly even though he very rarely did. 

Kevin began mumbling under his breath, mostly garbled but no less panicked. He writhed around, his fingers digging into Connor’s shoulder before finally awoke with a yelp. He sat up, chest heaving and eyes darting around the room, no doubt expecting to find the General lurking somewhere. 

His eyes dropped to Connor and he yelped again, almost toppling straight off the bed before he stopped himself. 

“Sorry!” Connor exclaimed, “I didn’t mean to scare you. Sorry,” 

Kevin blinked at him, fiddling with the bottom of the feeding tube, “I thought - I felt...I felt someone and I thought that - I thought it was him and -” he froze, “You’re not meant to be here! You’ll - You’ll get in trouble! What if - What if they ban you from coming? You need to go home!” 

“No, no,” Connor said quickly, “Louisa said that I was allowed to stay. Don’t worry. We’re not going to get in trouble,” 

Kevin nodded, his eyes darting around the room again. It always took him a while to settle down after a nightmare, sometimes his alarm would go off before he fell back asleep and he would always refuse to take the day off when Connor suggested he do. 

“Do you wanna - Do you wanna talk about it?” Connor asked quietly. 

“I - It was - It was...It was just the same as always,” Kevin whispered, “I’m just - just back in the camp...and then there was...when it happened...again...when it happened...” he trailed off and wiped his eyes, “Never mind,” 

Connor was at a loss for words, still having no idea how he was meant to reply. There was no point in telling him that he was safe, because he didn’t feel safe. There was no point in telling him that no one was going to hurt him again, because he couldn’t promise that no one would. 

“Can we go back to sleep?” Kevin asked quietly. 

“Of course,” Connor said quickly, selfishly happy that Kevin wasn’t going to tell him anymore, “Do you - Do you want me to stay in bed or-” 

Kevin nodded silently and crawled back up the bed towards him. Connor lay as still as he could as Kevin cuddled up next to him again. It lasted a record breaking 10 seconds before he shot up again, staring down at Connor in absolute fear. 

“It’s okay,” Connor said, before Kevin could start apologising, “I’ll sleep on the sofa,” 

“It’s not - It’s not you, I just-” 

“I know,” Connor said gently, “It’s okay,” 

He grabbed a spare blanket and pillow from the corner of the room and dropped it onto the sofa. It had been a long time Kevin had such a strong aversion to touch and even though it was something that had plagued the early days of their relationship, Connor still had to forcefully remind himself that it wasn’t _him_ that Kevin was scared of, just touch. 

When he turned around to say good-night, he was met with his least favourite sight; Kevin bunching blankets and t-shirts around his backside so he was completely covered. He had done it all the time in Uganda, even when he was just sitting in the living room of the hut, and it was the first thing that had suggested to Connor that something wasn’t quite right with him. 

It had been a long time since he had reverted back to it, and Connor didn’t even want to think about what the nightmare must have been like. 

Wordlessly, because he knew that Kevin hated it when he made a big deal, Connor picked up his jacket and gently draped it over him, making sure not to touch him. Kevin’s eyes flickered up to meet his and he offered a tiny smile in what Connor understood to be his thank-you. 

The next time Connor awoke, it was not because Kevin had had a nightmare, but because Doctor Daniels had walked into the room and screamed when he saw Connor. 

Kevin woke up with a start, pulling Connor’s jacket tighter around him whilst Doctor Daniels stood slumped against the door, holding a hand to his chest. 

“Connor,” Doctor Daniels gasped, “You’re early, I didn’t know you were - wait, who even let you in?” 

Uh,” Connor said, eyes flicking between him and Kevin, “Um, I was - uh...whoever was at the desk?” 

He narrowed his eyes at him and then sighed, “If you stayed the night, don’t tell me,” he looked over at Kevin and smiled, “Sorry for scaring you, buddy. I thought someone had broken in. How’re you feeling? Sleep okay?” 

Kevin shrugged, “Fine,” 

“Okay,” Doctor Daniels said, though Connor thought he sounded a little sceptical, “It’s actually a good job that Connor is here, because we thought it might be nice for you to go out,” 

“Out?” Kevin echoed. 

Doctor Daniels nodded, “You haven’t been outside for a week, but you’ve made good progress. Go to Starbucks or something, have a little date. You up for that?” 

To Connor’s shock, and almost certainly Doctor Daniels', Kevin nodded. Daniels beamed at him and typed something into his IPad. 

“Brilliant! Louisa’s gonna come in and give you your food and then you can go, yeah? Obviously this is only day release so don’t be going too far, we still need you back,” 

Kevin nodded silently as Doctor Daniels left the room. Connor slowly walked over to the bed and perched at the very end of it, shoving his hands underneath his thighs so he wasn’t tempted to touch him. 

“If you don’t want to go, it’s okay,” Connor said quietly, “I won’t be mad,” 

“No, I - I wanna,” Kevin said, “I want coffee,” 

“You sure?” 

Kevin nodded, “Can you go home and get me - get me something to wear? And also my hair gel?” 

Connor laughed and stood up, stretching his hands above his head, “Anything else?” 

Kevin lay back down in bed, curling up and pulling Connor’s jacket around him tighter, “No, just...just clothes and hair gel, please,” 

“Alright,” Connor said quietly, “I’ll be back as soon as possible, okay?” 

“Do you - Do you want your jacket back?” 

Connor smiled at him and shook his head, “No, it’s okay. You look warm,” 

They both knew that it was less about being warm and more about feeling safe, but lying was much easier than facing the truth. 

  
  


* * *

Connor spent less than two minutes in their apartment. He grabbed one of Kevin’s favourite outfits from his closet, grabbed a different shirt and jacket for himself, and barely looked in the bathroom as he snatched Kevin’s hair gel from the cupboard. 

He was beginning to think their apartment was tainted forever, and wondered if either of them would be able to face living there again. He had no idea when their lease was up, but the sooner it was over, the better. 

As always, Louisa stopped him with a kind smile when he got back to the hospital, and he immediately assumed the worst. 

“He’s fine, he's just got out the shower,” she said quickly, “I know he won’t tell you because he’s modest but he ate an apple when you left,” 

Connor beamed. He had never thought that the news that his boyfriend had done something as simple as eat an apple would make him want to cry, but his throat was feeling a lot tighter than usual. 

“That’s good, right?” Connor asked, hastily wiping his eyes. 

“Yeah,” Louisa grinned, “He still needs the feeding tube because obviously one apple a day isn’t enough nutrition, but he’s on the right path,” 

Connor let out a sigh of relief, “Oh, thank-god for that,” 

“How was your night, by the way? I know sleeping here can be a bit weird,” 

Connor faltered, “It was...um...well, it was - it was _fine._ He just woke up from a nightmare and his touch aversion has gotten bad again. I ended up sleeping on the sofa,” 

“And the jacket around his-” 

“It’s so no one can get to him,” Connor said, “You know like...like _that,”_

Her face fell a little and she placed a gentle hand on his arm, “I know it’s hard, but you’re both going to get through this. I don’t know if he’s said anything, but his therapy sessions are going well. This isn’t going to be forever,” 

Connor nodded, finding it quite difficult to believe that was true. He had thought that Kevin’s therapy sessions were going well less than a week ago, and now he spent more time in a hospital than he did out of one. 

‘Not forever’ seemed to be getting longer and longer everyday. His boyfriend couldn’t even _touch him,_ and neither of them seemed to be getting any sound advice on how to make forever shorter. 

Instead of asking for this advice like he probably should have done, Connor thanked her and made his way over to Kevin’s room. He walked in without knocking, almost tripping over his feet when his eyes fell onto a shirtless Kevin. 

“S-Sorry!” Connor exclaimed, “I didn’t - Sorry! I should have knocked,” 

Kevin spun around with wide eyes and grabbed his t-shirt off the bed and held it to his chest but not before Connor caught a glimpse of faded bruises on his hips. He frowned and looked up at Kevin. 

“Are you bruised?” 

“Clumsy,” Kevin said quickly, holding his hand out, “Did you bring me clothes?” 

“Yeah...” Connor said, dropping the bag onto his bed, “Are you sure that’s just from bumping into something?”

Kevin rolled his eyes, putting the shirt on so quickly that Connor barely saw his chest, “I think you might be paranoid,” 

Connor laughed and nodded, “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry, I don’t want to overwhelm you,” 

“It’s okay,” Kevin said, “I know you worry,” 

Connor had thought that he would calm down once they left the hospital, but he did anything but. His brain was very quick to point out that there was nothing to stop Kevin from launching himself into oncoming traffic because they weren’t holding hands and his reflexes were not something to brag about. 

He attempted to make himself by making sure that Kevin was walking on the inside of the sidewalk, but that didn’t stop him from dwelling on the fact that Kevin could just as easily sneak around him and end up underneath a cab. 

When they finally made it to Starbucks, Connor felt like he could relax, but that was until Kevin told him that he would go and find them a table. And there was nothing _wrong_ with that, because Kevin was an adult and he could go and sit at a table on his own, but that didn’t stop Connor from worrying that he would find him dead at the table. 

He, of course, _didn’t_ find Kevin dead at the table and if it weren’t so depressing, his brain's ability to convince him that Kevin was always dead would be funny. 

“You okay?” Connor asked, sliding onto the sofa next to him before quickly backing up and giving him space. 

Kevin nodded, stirring his drink with the straw. He sat with his back to the rest of the shop, barely lifting his head. Connor immediately knew what the issue was, and had no idea how to convince him that there was nothing wrong with the fact that he had to wear the feeding tube. 

“I know you don’t like the feeding tube, but it makes your cheekbones look more defined,” 

“You’re obsessed with my cheekbones,” Kevin mumbled, not quite looking up at him. 

“They’re lovely,” Connor said, “ _You’re_ lovely,” 

Kevin shook his head and looked down at his arm, the watch that Connor had bought him was still sitting on his wrist. He stared at it for a second, and Connor knew what question he was going to ask before he even opened his mouth. 

“I didn’t buy this,” 

“I did,” Connor told him, “It was our anniversary yesterday, remember?” 

Kevin frowned, rubbing his forehead, “Is that why you slept over?” 

“Yeah,” Connor said, “I think Louisa felt sorry for us,” 

“I should’ve written it down in my diary...” Kevin said, “Or I’ll - I’ll never remember anything properly again!” 

“Hey, hey,” Connor said soothingly as his voice got more and more frantic, “I’ll text you tonight and remind you to write it down, okay?” 

Kevin nodded, turning to his drink and keeping his eyes firmly on the table. This was beginning to feel less like a date with his boyfriend, and more like a day out with a dementia patient he was looking after. He felt terrible the moment that thought crossed his mind, because this wasn’t about _him._ This was about Kevin, and trying to show him that there was still a world out there for him. 

The one positive that Connor was managing to pull from all this was that Kevin looked like himself again. It was incredible how the simple act of putting gel in his hair had made him look like he always did. If he ignored the feeding tube, it was like looking at Kevin from two months ago. 

“ _Kevin?_ Is that you?” 

Connor looked up at the sound of Kevin’s name, frowning when he saw a man waving at them from the other side of the shop. Before Connor could ask who it was, Kevin had gasped and grabbed a hold of Connor’s hand as the man, who looked old enough to be their dad, made his way over to them with a grin. 

Uninvited, the man dropped down into the chair opposite them and grinned at Kevin who seemed to be trying to make himself as small as possible. It took a few seconds for Connor’s confusion to melt away before he could finally ask what was going on. 

“Oh, I’m David. I’m Kevin’s biology professor,” he said in response to Connor, “You are-?”

“His boyfriend,” Connor said slowly, more interested in the fact that Kevin was suddenly shaking like a leaf.

David made an odd noise through his nose, “Oh, yes. You’re the _boyfriend_ ,” 

“Yes...” Connor said, “That’s me,”

David gave him a strange look and then turned back to Kevin, seemingly unaware of the fact that he was hyperventilating, “Do you know when you’re going to be back in class? I’ve missed you,” 

Kevin forcefully shook his head, moving so close to Connor that he was almost sitting on his lap. Assuming that Kevin’s aversion to touch had suddenly disappeared, Connor carefully put his arm around his waist and squeezed his side, rubbing circles into his hip. 

David’s gaze flickered between the two of them and he smiled again in a way that made Connor want to punch him. 

“It’s a shame about that feeding tube, do you know when you’re getting rid of it?” 

Kevin shook his head again, fiddling with the sleeve on his cup, “N-No, I - No. I ma-managed to eat an apple this morning but I - I don’t know,” 

“Well, let’s get you back in top condition, yeah?” David said brightly, leaning across the table and touching Kevin’s hand, “I’ve been thinking about you,” 

Kevin jerked his hand away and held it to his chest as though he had been burned. Again, David didn’t seem to notice anything strange about his behaviour and grinned at him before standing up to leave, talking about how he had a lecture to teach that wouldn’t be the same because Kevin wouldn’t be there. 

“Kev, what’s going on?” Connor asked quietly once he was sure that David had left. 

Kevin shook his head, his hand clenching and unclenching on Connor’s thigh as he gasped for breath. Connor leaned a little closer to him, their foreheads just about touching. 

“Sweetheart,” Connor whispered, “It’s okay. I know you’re - I know you’re worried about disappointing your professors, but he didn’t seem to mind. He said he’s been thinking about you,” 

What Connor had thought were reassuring words seemed to be something else entirely. Kevin let out a loud sob and crumpled against him, muttering _sorry_ against his neck over and over again. Connor hesitantly ran his hands up and down Kevin’s back, whispering that he had nothing to be sorry about whilst wishing that the nosey pricks at the tables close to them would just look away. 

It took Kevin a while to stop crying. When he did, Connor suggested they go back to the hospital, but Kevin insisted that they go to Chris and James’. Connor couldn’t understand why he was so intent on going, but didn’t want to disagree. He just hoped that James really had moved past the book-throwing incident and wasn’t going to make Kevin feel even worse. 

If the way he greeted them when he opened the door was anything to go by, he had definitely moved on from the book-throwing incident, but Connor didn’t miss the way his face fell for a fraction of a second when he saw Kevin’s puffy face. 

“Can we play Zelda?” Kevin asked him quietly. 

James nodded, shooting Connor an anxious glance, “Sure! I’ll go grab my Switch,” 

Once Kevin was suitably distracted, Connor followed Chris into his bedroom and collapsed face down onto the bed. 

“He doesn’t look great,” Chris said, sitting next to him, “Bad morning?” 

“Weird morning, more like,” Connor said, “We saw his Biology professor in Starbucks and it was like...I don’t know, he just started shaking and then when he left he burst into tears,” 

“That’s...weird,” Chris said slowly, “But it probably has something to do with him worrying about being a disappointment, right?” 

Connor rolled onto his back and shrugged, staring up at the ceiling, “I don’t know. There was...there was just something really odd about the whole thing,” 

He wasn’t sure what it was; but between the way David had told Kevin that he missed him and the way that they seemed to be on a first name basis with each other, Connor felt like there was something obvious he was missing. Perhaps he was simply paranoid and thinking too much into something that he didn’t need to worry about. It was _Kevin_ who was important, not his strange professor. 

“I guess we need to take into account that he’s not in the greatest headspace...” Chris said, “So he won’t react to things like he used to...” 

“I guess,” Connor sighed, “I just wish that - I wish that we could go back to the way it was...” 

“Me too,” Chris said, “I wish the General never happened,” 

Connor nodded, “He had a horrible nightmare last night. Couldn’t touch me until we were in Starbucks and his professor was there...” 

“Whatever happens and whatever is going on, you’re gonna be okay. Both of you,” 

And Connor might have actually believed that if ten seconds later James didn’t burst into the bedroom because Kevin was having a panic attack and he didn’t know what to do. 

“What happened?” Connor asked, scrambling to get to his feet. 

“I don’t - I don’t know!” James exclaimed, “I asked how his day went and he just - he just started hyperventilating and crying and he won’t - he won’t stop!”

Connor didn’t wait to find out more, he hurried from the bedroom and back into the living room. Kevin was curled up on the sofa, sobbing hysterically and saying sorry over and over again just like he had been in Starbucks. 

One look at him told Connor that just saying ‘it’s okay’ over and over again wasn’t going to help anything, because he wasn’t even sure that he would be heard. Hesitantly, he walked over to the sofa and crouched down in front of Kevin, gently running his fingers through his hair. 

“Has leaving the hospital been too much for you?” he asked quietly, “Do you want to go back?” 

“I’m so-sorry! I’m sorry!” Kevin sobbed, “I didn’t - I didn’t want it to - I l-love you! I p-promise, I love you!” 

“I don’t - I don’t know what you - I mean...I love you, too but I - I don’t understand what’s happening,” 

“I didn’t - I didn’t want it but I didn't know how to - he wouldn’t - listen to me and I - I’m sorry! Please don’t leave me!” 

Connor’s blood ran cold as pieces of a puzzle that should have been paying more attention to began to slot together. Kevin shuffled towards him, reaching out and grabbing his hand in a vice like grip and saying something that went completely over his head as he felt rage begin to bubble away. 

“What happened?” Connor asked, his voice surprisingly calm. 

“It was that - that professor! He asked if I - if I wanted extra w-work and I said y-yes because I just want to do well and I went to his office and he - he -'' Kevin broke off in a wail, “I couldn’t - I couldn’t s-stop him! I wan-wanted to stop him but I - I couldn’t! I didn't want to, C-Con, I swear! It wasn’t - It wasn’t like I was ch-cheating on you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” 

“When - When did it happen?” 

“Two weeks ago, before - before I tried to...before I tried to...” 

It was like Connor’s eyes had been blown wide open; one of the last days that Kevin had been in college, he had come home acting strange but Connor had just put it down to him being stressed, like always. And he had become more reserved, crawled right back into his shell and his sleeping pattern had become worse than usual, but Connor had barely taken any notice because that _always_ happened. Sometimes Kevin had to withdraw from the world, and Connor let him because he usually came right back a week later. And then, of course, the suicide attempt coupled with the nightmares he had had the previous night, the way he had started covering himself again and the faded bruises on his hips... 

He looked back at Kevin, who had slid off the couch and was still gripping onto his hands, promising him that he hadn’t cheated, and that he was sorry that he had let it happen, and that he understood if he wanted to leave him. 

“Kevin, it’s - it’s okay. I’m not...I’m not mad at you. I’m not going anywhere,” 

“You’re - You’re not?”

Connor shook his head, “No, I’m gonna - I’m gonna stay right here,” 

Kevin looked at him for a moment and collapsed against him, sobbing into his chest. Connor bit back his own tears and put his arms around Kevin, burying his nose in his hair and holding him as tight as he could without scaring him or making him feel worse. 

Chris and James appeared in the doorway, hesitantly suggesting that perhaps they should go back to the hospital. At this suggestion, Kevin moved closer to Connor, gripping onto his shirt and begging him to not make him go alone. It didn't seem to matter how many times Connor assured him that he'd be right besides him, because he kept on asking again and again. 

When Connor finally got through to him, getting there was a lot more difficult than he had anticipated. They ended up having to call an ambulance, because Kevin refused to get into a cab and the Subway was definitely a no-go. 

"We'll be here when you get back," Chris promised, squeezing Connor's hand as he went to climb into the back of the ambulance. 

The EMT had called ahead, and they were met by a very anxious Doctor Daniels and Louisa. Kevin was sat up on the stretcher, staring blankly ahead of him with Connor’s jacket covering his bottom half. 

Connor silently followed them into the elevator, not looking anyone in the eye. He was hyper-aware of everything; how Doctor Daniels was nervously shifting from one foot to the other, how Louisa was obsessively smoothing down her scrubs and how Kevin was gripping onto his forearms so tightly that he was drawing blood. 

As soon as they made it into Kevin’s room, Connor knew that he wasn’t going to speak. He silently got into his bed and pulled the jacket tighter around him, staring down at his hands. 

“Do you feel comfortable speaking to me, Kevin?” Doctor Daniels asked. 

Kevin shook his head, tugging on the jacket. 

“What about Louisa?” 

Kevin shook his head again and nudged Connor’s hand. 

“Do you want Connor to tell me?”

Kevin nodded, “but I don’t want to - to h-hear it,” 

Doctor Daniels looked at Connor and nodded his head towards the door. Connor could not think of anything worse than leaving Kevin to have to have this sort of conversation with Daniels _again,_ but he didn’t really think that he had a choice. 

He silently followed him out of the room and into a room similar to the one they had been when Kevin had first gone to hospital. In a pathetic attempt to stall, Connor poured himself a cup of water but Daniels seemed to see right through him. 

“I know this is going to be hard, but I want to help him,” he said kindly, “And I can’t do that unless you’re honest with me,” 

Connor slowly put the cup back on the table and wiped his palms on his trousers, “We were...We were in Starbucks and we saw Kevin’s biology professor. I thought he was strange, and I thought that Kevin was acting strange but I didn’t want to - I didn’t want to make a big deal out of anything,” 

Doctor Daniels nodded but didn’t say anything, silently encouraging Connor to start talking again. 

“We went to see Chris and James and...and Kevin was - he was with James and he started having a panic attack out of nowhere so I went to him and - and he told me that...that two weeks ago, he was - his biology professor, he - he....” Connor trailed off, “it was...it was the General all over again...” 

The couch dipped next to Connor as Doctor Daniels sat next to him, gently putting his hand on his back. 

“His biology professor?” he asked, “David Howard?” 

Connor shrugged, “I don’t - I don’t his last name but he was called David...why?” 

“I know the Professors at NYU, that’s all,” he said, “Do you know if Kevin wants to file a police report?”

“I don’t know,” Connor mumbled, “He never said and I didn’t want to ask in case it - in case it stressed him out more,” 

Daniels nodded, “Okay, thank-you for telling me this, Connor. You can go back to him now,” 

It was not a surprise to walk back into Kevin’s room and find him sobbing again. When she saw him, Louisa gently squeezed Connor’s arm and excused herself from the room. Connor stood and stared at his boyfriend for a moment before carefully sitting on the edge of his bed and gently carding his fingers through his hair. 

Kevin whimpered and curled into a ball, hiding his face in Connor’s thigh but otherwise not touching him. 

“Do you want me to touch you?” Connor whispered, taking his hand away. 

“I don’t - I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know,” 

“It’s okay,” Connor said, fighting to keep his voice calm, “We can - I can...I can just sit here,” 

As the hours passed by, Connor gradually moved closer to him, ending up lying face to face with him. They weren’t touching other than their feet tangled together, but Connor supposed that it was better than nothing. 

Kevin had been crying on and off for hours, his face pressed into the pillows and refusing to look up apart from when Connor managed to coax him into drinking some water. 

“Why’s it always me?” Kevin sobbed, “Why can’t I just - Why can’t I just catch a _fucking_ break?”

Connor wished he knew the answer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am...so sorry. 
> 
> Thanks for reading though lmao


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:/   
> Sexual Assault   
> Violence (not particularly graphic)

In his more than 20 years of living, Connor had somehow avoided being in a fight. He had been on the receiving end of the usual amount of punches that any gay teenager would have been, but had yet to actually throw one himself. 

That was, of course, until he figured out that Professor David Howard (who had been a Doctor of Emergency Medicine for 20 years before deciding to teach - not that Connor had stalked him on Linkedin) would be walking out of the NYU Langone Health Science Building at the exact time that he just  _ happened  _ to be standing outside. 

He waited patiently enough until the doors opened and students started spilling down the steps, all talking animatedly, none of them having any idea about the sort of man that had been teaching them. David made an appearance moments later, moving slowly enough for Connor to be able to grab his arm and yank him towards him. 

“Hey! What the-” 

Connor shoved him down an alleyway, just about suppressing the urge to throttle him to death. 

“He told me,” Connor said, “He told me what you did,” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t even know who you are!” he said, though the way he was backing away from Connor betrayed his words. 

Connor clenched his jaw, his hands curling into fists. He had never felt so much hatred for one man in his life. Somehow, this felt different to the General. Perhaps it was because he was older and understood more, or perhaps it was because he had never gotten the chance to be with the General alone. 

Just as he lifted his hand, a voice in the back of his mind - that sounded an awful lot like an exasperated Chris - reminded him that Kevin hated violence, and hated Connor making a big deal out of things even more. He dropped his hand back to his side, staring at David who was cowering away from his slightly.

“He tried to kill himself because of you,” Connor said quietly. 

David had the nerve to roll his eyes, “He has a victim mentality. That’s not my problem,” 

“He does - He does  _ not  _ have a victim mentality!” Connor exclaimed, “And it is your problem!  _ You  _ caused the problem,” 

“He was a bit whiny but-” 

“Was he whiny or saying no?” 

David narrowed his eyes at him, as though he had only just picked up on what Connor was implying. And for a moment, Connor debated being the bigger person and walking away, because he could just as easily get him fired and thrown in a jail cell for the rest of his life. And Kevin would probably prefer that. Hell,  _ Connor  _ would prefer that because he really had no idea how best to throw a punch. He probably should have watched a YouTube video on the way over. 

“I asked him if he wanted to up his grade, he said yes,” David said with a shrug. 

Sometimes, being the bigger person meant punching the man who raped your boyfriend and seriously considering killing him as you did so. 

The sound of his fist cracking against David’s face was enough to drown out the sound of the voice in the back of his mind telling him that this wasn’t like him, and that he could get into a lot of trouble that would mean that he would never be able to see Kevin again and even if he could, Kevin probably wouldn’t want to see him, anyway. 

He stopped for a moment, one hand curled in the front of David’s shirt and the other drawn back ready to strike again. Connor stared at him, and he stared right back; his nose was definitely broken and there was blood dripping down his chin as he groaned quietly in pain. And yet, it still didn’t seem enough because physical injuries were much easier to fix than the mental ones that Kevin was having to deal with. 

“He cheated on you,” David groaned, “He cheated on you and tried to turn it back around on me. You were lied to,”

Connor shoved him against the wall, their noses inches apart, “Kevin wouldn’t lie about this,” 

David grunted, “Fine, but I’ll go to the police. Who are they gonna believe? A respected Doctor or a kid in a Psych ward and his violent boyfriend?” 

“ _ Connor _ ?” 

He turned at the sound of his name, still gripping onto the front of David’s shirt. Isaac and Freya stood at the very end of the alley, staring at him as though they had never seen him before. Connor was just glad that Leo wasn’t there. 

“If you ever go near Kevin again, I’ll kill you,” Connor hissed at David before he shoved him to the floor. 

“What the Heck is going on Connor?” Isaac demanded, storming over to him and grabbing onto his arm, “You can’t beat people up!” 

“Thank-you for that terrific legal advice,” Connor said scathingly, ripping his arm out of Isaac’s grip. 

“I’m being serious!” Isaac exclaimed. 

“It’s nothing you need to worry about,” Connor snapped, trying to push him back down the alley towards Freya, “Go home,” 

“I feel like I need to worry about my brother's boyfriend beating someone up!” he snapped back, looking over Connor’s shoulder at David, “Hey, dude, are you okay? Do you need me to call-” 

“ _ No!”  _ Connor yelled, grabbing the back of Isaac’s shirt and shoving him backwards, “Leave him alone! He doesn’t deserve any help. Leave him to die for all I care,” 

“ _ Connor! _ ” 

“He raped Kevin,” 

Isaac stumbled slightly, his eyes flickering between Connor and David, who was groaning in pain behind them. Freya gasped softly and put her hand over her mouth, tears swimming in her eyes. Connor stared at Isaac and was once again struck by how much he and Kevin looked alike. And it wasn’t fair, because Isaac was healthy and happy and not locked away in a Psych ward.

“That's the - That’s the guy from Uganda?” Isaac asked quietly. 

Connor shook his head as the adrenaline began to melt away and he realised how much his hand was hurting, “No. That’s Kevin’s biology professor,” 

“It...It happened again?” Isaac asked, his voice faint. 

Connor’s throat tightened as he silently nodded his head, the breakdown that he should have had hours ago bubbling away. Isaac cleared his throat and gently put his hand on Connor’s back, guiding him towards Freya. 

“Walk him to the car,” 

“Zac, if you do something stupid-” 

“Walk him to the car,” Isaac repeated firmly, “I won’t be long,” 

Freya sighed and put her arm around Connor’s shoulder, whispering something in his ear as she walked him down to the street. Nothing she said registered to him. He stared down at his hand, his knuckles were bruised and bloodied, but still didn’t look nearly as bad as David’s face had. He was vaguely aware of the fact that he would somehow have to explain the state of his hand to not only Kevin, but to Chris, James, Arnold, Nabulungi  _ and  _ everyone at the hospital. He didn’t think that James would take it well, and he was almost certain that Chris and Nabulungi would react just as badly. Arnold, at the very least, would be on his side. 

When Freya opened the car door, he crawled into the back seat, leaning heavily against Leo’s car seat. 

“Where’s Leo?”

“My moms,” 

Connor sniffled and nodded his head, “My hand hurts,” 

“We have a first aid kit at home,” 

“Okay,” Connor mumbled, his eyes suddenly feeling heavy, “I don’t feel good,” 

She turned around to face him and gently put her hand on his knee, “Do you need to go to the hospital?” 

Connor shook his head and turned his face away from her, staring out of the window just as Isaac came back. He silently got into the car, ignoring the pointed look that his wife gave him until he had started driving. Both of his hands were bruised. 

“Kevin’s my little brother,” he said.

“I know, but-” 

“He’s my little brother,” Isaac repeated. 

“If you get in trouble, you’ll lose your job,” 

“He’s my little brother,” 

* * *

Connor did not remember falling asleep, nor did he remember getting into bed. Or,  _ a  _ bed, anyway. 

He woke up in a room that was much nicer than any of the others that he was used to waking up in, and almost fell out of bed when he turned his head to see a woman sat cross legged beside him. Somehow, cheating on Kevin with a woman seemed worse than cheating on him with a man. 

Before he could apologise for whatever ordeal he might have put her through whilst trying to have sex with her, his brain woke up enough to remind him that the woman was  _ Freya,  _ and he highly doubted that she would want to sleep with her husbands brothers boyfriend. 

“How long have I been asleep?” Connor asked quietly. 

“Only an hour, you fell asleep pretty quickly.” 

He nodded and cried out in pain when he went to sit up, and Freya very quickly lurched forward and put her arm around his back to steady him. 

“Not on your wrist,” she said, picking his arm up and crossing it across his stomach, “I’ve put some ice on it to reduce the swelling, but it looks broken,” 

“How do you know?” he asked, looking down at it for a fraction of a second before quickly averting his eyes. He might not have been an actor without a college degree, but even he knew that wrists weren’t meant to swell that much. 

“I work in the ER,” she said, “I’ll call ahead and get the hospital to clear a bed for you,” 

“Oh. Nurse?” 

She fixed him with a cold stare, “Doctor.” 

“Oh. Sorry. Was that sexist? It felt sexist,” 

She laughed and shook her head as she stood up, “I’ll give you a pass today,” 

Connor forced a laugh as she helped him out of bed and led him out of the bedroom and into the living room. Isaac lay sprawled across the sofa, his bandaged hands covering his face as he periodically groaned. If Connor ignored the bandages, it was like looking at Kevin having his fifth existential crisis of the day.

“Ignore him,” Freya said, “He does this sometimes,”

It was also like looking at Kevin if he ignored the fact that the apartment he was in was much nicer than the one they shared. It was the kind of apartment that Connor salivated over on Pinterest with it’s floor to ceiling windows, spacious kitchen (that Connor would commit war crimes for) and even an exposed brick wall that he knew that Kevin would commit war crimes for. 

“Do I want to know how much rent you pay?” Connor asked quietly. 

“Lawyer and a Doctor,” Freya told him, “and a trust fund,” 

“I don’t use my trust fund!” Isaac exclaimed, “It all goes into savings,” 

Freya rolled her eyes, “He dips into our savings all the time,” 

“I’m going to use it for Kevin’s medical bills,” Isaac said, stretching his arms above his head, “and a hitman,” he added. 

“No one is murdering anyone,” Freya snapped, “Which I shouldn’t have to tell  _ you _ , Mr. Lawyer,” 

Isaac scrunched his face up in the way that a petulant child might do so after being told they’ve been grounded and stomped passed his wife and out of the front door. Freya rolled her eyes and put her arm around Connor, guiding him out of the apartment and apologising for her man-child of a husband. 

“He’s not allowed to try sexual assault cases anymore,” she told him quietly, “because of Kevin. He sees Kevin in all the victims, I think. Not that he’d ever say that out loud,” she added, “You have every right to distrust him, Kevin too, but he...he’s really missed him. He’s been beating himself up about everything that happened, blaming himself for what Kevin tried to do,” 

Connor nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Freya sighed and squeezed him as they got into the elevator, Isaac stood in the corner, glowering at the wall. Connor stared at him for a moment before looking back at the floor; he couldn’t help but wonder how differently things might have been if Isaac had had the balls to be this sort of brother from the very beginning. 

“Have you spoken to Kevin about his medical bills yet?” Isaac asked. 

“No,” Connor said slowly, “but I - I don’t think that he’s going to be thrilled at the idea. He once venmoed Arnold the exact price of one slice of bread after he made himself a piece of toast in his dorm,” 

“He’s so weird,” Isaac muttered, but Connor didn’t miss the affection in his voice, “I’ll talk to him about it,” 

Connor scoffed, “Good luck,” 

Had Connor known that the hospital that Freya worked in was the same one that Kevin was in, he probably would have offered to fix his wrist himself. Once Freya had assured him that Kevin would have no idea he was there, because the ER and the psych ward were two very different places, he agreed to get out of the car. 

And even though Connor was well aware that Kevin was five floors above them, he still spoke very quietly, as though his voice would travel and Kevin would be able to hear him. For some reason, he didn’t think that Kevin would react well knowing that Connor was in the ER because had beaten up David. 

“Hello, Doctor Price!” one of the nurses said cheerfully, “Who’s this?” 

“Brother in law,” she said, “He tripped up, broke his wrist,” 

Connor’s eyes filled with tears at the name ‘Doctor Price’ because there was a horrible part of his brain that was telling him that Kevin would never be addressed like that. Of course, there had always been an incredibly selfish part of Connor that had hoped he would be Doctor  _ McKinley  _ instead, but he didn’t think that was ever going to happen, either. 

“My name is Natalie and I’m just going to take a quick look,” the nurse said to him, “What exactly happened?” 

“Dunno,” Connor mumbled, finding it extremely difficult to lie despite the fact that he was a actor, “I just tripped up,” 

Natalie gave him a funny look and then glanced over at Freya, who plastered a smile onto her face, “He’s hungover,” 

“Ah,” Natalie said, “I’m going to go and find a Doctor and then - what's wrong with your hands?” 

Isaac froze when he slipped through the curtains and looked down at his bandaged hands before quickly recovering, “Allergic to the new soap at work,"

Connor wished that he was good enough of a liar to convince the Doctor that his wrist was broken so she didn’t need to stick a needle in it  _ or  _ set it. Embarrassingly, he had to hold onto Isaac’s arm the entire time because Freya was helping the doctor. Isaac seemed to feel just as awkward and was not at all comforting as he awkwardly patted Connor’s head. 

“I’m going to page Doctor Daniels,” Freya said, appearing in her scrubs after Connor had had his cast fitted. 

“Why?” Connor asked hastily, “He doesn’t - He doesn’t need to be here,” 

“Psych consult,” she said. 

Connor blinked at her, “A - what?” 

Freya sat down on the edge of his bed, “Between last week and now, you’ve been through a lot. I think you would benefit from therapy,” 

Connor jerked away from her, the last time someone had told him he would benefit from therapy the worst years of his life had begun and he was in no rush to repeat them. She seemed to sense how uncomfortable he was and stood up from the bed. 

“Talking to Doctor Daniels or another psychiatrist won’t do you any harm, Connor. I promise,” she said gently. 

He would have liked to argue that it most definitely would but instead just nodded his hand and slumped down on his pillows. Speaking to Doctor Daniels about therapy didn’t mean that he would  _ have  _ to go to therapy. He would just do it to put Freya’s mind at ease. He had much bigger things to worry about. 

“Connor McKinley? Did someone ask for a consult for Connor -  _ oh _ ,” Doctor Daniels froze slightly, “Connor. I didn’t...I didn’t realise that -” he paused as he looked at Freya, “ _ Oh.  _ Doctor Price. I don’t think I recognised you when you weren't wearing scrubs,” 

Freya shrugged, “I never go upstairs,” 

Doctor Daniels nodded, his eyes travelling from Connor’s arm and over to Isaac’s hands, who immediately shoved them in his pocket. He narrowed his eyes and drew up a chair, slowly sitting down on it. 

“Wanting revenge is normal,” he said carefully, “but, it’s not recommended,” 

Connor stayed silent, staring down at his hands. Doctor Daniels sighed and shuffled closer to him. 

“I understand why you did it. I’m not going to get you in trouble,” he whispered, “No one needs to know,” 

He still didn't say anything; any pride he had felt was starting to fade away, only to be replaced by shame. Was he really any better than the General or David? Stooping to something as low as violence, as though it would solve anything. He hadn’t fixed anything for Kevin, he had probably made it worse, had just given him someone else to be scared of. 

“I thought I was helping him,” Connor whispered. 

“We’ll leave you alone,” Freya said, “Can we go and see Kevin?” 

Doctor Daniels nodded, “Chris and James are with him,” 

Connor’s neck snapped up, “Can you - Will you send Chris down? Please?”

Doctor Daniel’s waited until they had left to start speaking again, “Have you ever done something like this before? 

Connor shook his head wordlessly, picking at some thread on the bottom of his t-shirt and being unable to look up at him. 

“What about after what happened in Uganda?” 

“No, I - no. I don’t really think I understood what had happened, I still don’t because he never told me...told me all the details. I just know that - that _something_ happened,” 

“You don’t - he’s never told you exactly  _ how _ ?” 

Connor looked up at him with a frown, “What do - What do you mean ‘how’? 

“I think he should be the one to tell you,” Doctor Daniels said quietly. 

“What do you mean ‘how’?” Connor asked again, “Is there something that I don’t-” 

“You  _ beat him up _ and you didn’t invite me? You fucking bastard! What happened to Mission Companions doing everything together? I know I’m only small but -  _ oh _ .” 

Connor groaned as Chris burst through the curtains, his eyes widening when he saw Doctor Daniels. 

“Uh, I mean - I meant, like... _ metaphorically, _ ” 

“I know what happened,” 

Chris let out a sigh of relief and perched himself on the end of Connor’s bed, “Okay, good. I thought I’d just gotten my best friend arrested,” 

Doctor Daniels shook his head and stood up, handing Connor a card, “I’m going to check on your discharge papers, but when you’re more open to therapy, call me. I can sort something out for you,” 

Connor nodded, whispering his thanks as he left them alone. Chris crawled up the bed and sat next to him, hesitantly putting his arm around him. He tensed for a moment before he leaned into his best friend, resting his head on his shoulder. 

“I think Kevin is hiding something from me,” Connor mumbled. 

“Something else?” Chris asked anxiously, “You don’t - You don’t mean like someone else has - or...or his bio teacher did it more than - more than once, do you?” 

Connor shook his head, not even letting himself ponder the possibility that David inviting Kevin to his office might not have been a one time thing. Not that wondering what the General had actually done to him was much better to think about. 

“About the General. Like, what actually happened...” Connor whispered, “It was something that Doctor Daniels said,” 

“Well, I - I just assumed that...well...what happened was...you know....” Chris stuttered, “What happens when someone does that to someone,” 

“Kevin doesn’t have HIV,” Connor said, “He takes no medication for it,” 

“Oh,” Chris said softly, “I...I thought he - I thought he did and we just never spoke about it...” 

“No. And I  _ know  _ he doesn’t, because he - he wouldn’t lie to me about that, would he? I mean, we - we always use protection, even for oral because he’s so - he’s always so insistent that we do but I - I don’t - I don’t know anymore,” 

“Hey, hey,” Chris said soothingly, “Kevin would never lie to you about something like that, you know he wouldn’t,” 

Connor sniffled and wiped his eyes, “But it’s - it’s not even about  _ me.  _ What if he’s had it this entire time and he’s not told me? If he’s been suffering in silence because he’s too embarrassed to talk to me about it!” 

“Con, you’re spiralling,” Chris said firmly, “We can go to a clinic tomorrow and get tested for it, alright? But Kevin wouldn’t lie to you. Not about something like this. I’ll book you an appointment somewhere, yeah?”

Three months ago, Connor would have been sure that Kevin would have never lied about something like this, but now he wasn’t sure. It had been something that had been lingering at the back of his mind ever since Kevin had told him what had happened. Sometimes he felt like he should have asked him as soon as they started having sex, because that was the  _ responsible  _ thing to do, but he had been terrified of upsetting him. 

Perhaps constantly treating Kevin like a bomb about to explode had done more harm than good. 

“I don’t know if you should talk to him about it today,” Chris said, “If you are going to talk about it,”

Connor shook his head, “No, I won’t. It’s not like we’re going to be having sex anytime soon, anyway,” 

“Well, you have more than enough toys to keep you occupied,” Chris muttered. 

“Fuck off,” Connor snapped, “I’m stressed,” 

When a nurse came to tell him that he was free to go, Connor wasted no time in getting out of bed and dragging Chris over to the elevator. The closer the elevator got to the Psych floor, the faster Connor’s heart beat and the more he was regretting thinking so in depth about his boyfriends slightly sketchy HIV status. 

“He’s not going to be mad, is he?” Connor asked. 

“He seemed okay, all things considered,” Chris said as the elevator doors slid open, “Just quiet but he always is now, isn’t he?” 

Connor’s eyes immediately slid over to Kevin’s room, heart leaping when he saw James pacing up and down outside. Chris swore under his breath and hurried over to him whilst Connor trailed behind, having already convinced himself that Kevin was dead and that James couldn’t bear to be in the same room with the body of his dead best friend. 

“What’s going on?” Chris asked quickly, “Why aren’t you in there?” 

“Isaac is  _ so  _ heterosexual,” James said in a strained whisper, “I can’t keep up a conversation with him without wanting to gouge my eyeballs out! He kept on talking to me about football! Do I look like a football fan? Or do I look like very uncomfortable gay man?” 

“You’re annoying is what you are,” Chris snapped, “I thought something horrible had happened,” 

“Something horrible  _ had  _ happened,” James whined, “I was stuck in a conversation with a very straight man!”

Chris rolled his eyes and turned to Connor, “We’ll wait in the canteen for you,” 

Connor smiled at them and slowly walked into Kevin’s room. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting to find, but he certainly wasn’t expecting to find Kevin and Isaac to be sitting side by side in bed together, an open bag of chips on Kevin’s lap. 

Isaac looked over at him and smiled before turning back to Kevin, “I’ll try and come to see you tomorrow, bud. See you later,” 

Connor didn’t speak until he heard the door shut again. He hesitantly looked up at Kevin, who’s eyes were fixed on his cast. A million and one apologises chased themselves around Connor’s brain, but each one was as feeble as the last. The sensible part of his brain was telling him that Kevin wouldn’t be mad, because he obviously wasn’t mad at Isaac, but the irrational part of his brain was very quick to point out that Kevin definitely hated him and that was why he hadn’t said anything to him yet. 

“If you don’t want to see me right now, it’s fine,” Connor said, “I know you’re probably pissed off,” 

“I’m not,” 

Connor blinked at him, “You’re...not?” 

“I don’t like violence, or the - the thought of you being violent,” Kevin said slowly, and Connor couldn’t help but wonder if he’d rehearsed what he was going to say, “because I - you’re not meant to be violent, you’re meant to...you’re meant to be my boyfriend...” 

Connor bit the inside of his lip as his throat tightened and his eyes started to sting. Kevin hadn’t needed him to go after David, he had just needed  _ him.  _ All he had achieved was a broken wrist, a possible criminal record and his boyfriend being scared of him. 

“But I’d have done for the same for you,” 

If it weren’t for the fact that Connor had been looking at him, he might not have believed that Kevin had said anything. The corners of his mouth were quirked up in what might have been a smile, and he was patting the bed next to him. 

It was almost embarrassing, how quickly Connor hurried over to the bed. He made sure to keep space between them until Kevin shuffled over to him and snuggled into his side, his face pressed right against his neck. 

“Promise me you won’t do it again,” Kevin said, his voice slightly muffled, “People like him are meant to be violent. Not people like you,” 

“Okay,” Connor whispered, trying to wipe his tears before Kevin saw, “I promise. I won’t do it again,” 

Kevin sniffled and sat up, pressing a light kiss to his cheek, and it took Connor all the willpower in the world to not turn and kiss him properly. He felt Kevin’s eyes boring into him for a moment before he dropped his head down to his shoulder, his fingers gently ghosting over his cast. 

“I think I’m gonna get arrested,” Connor mumbled. 

“Isaac said you don’t need to worry,” Kevin whispered, “He said he sorted it out. He’s gonna take early retirement,” 

Connor nodded, “And what about...what about the police?”

“No,” Kevin said quickly, which was the exact reaction that he had been expecting, “No. I want to forget it ever happened,” 

Eventually, Connor felt himself relax. That horrible voice in the back of his mind that had been telling him that he was going to get arrested and that Kevin hated him quietened down. The two of them sat in silence, Connor watching as Kevin munched on his chips and played Zelda, quietly giving Connor a play-by-play account of what was happening as though he wasn’t watching. 

“And these fuckers here always kill me with one shot, but it’s okay because -  _ fuck.  _ It’s not okay. I’m dead. Damnit. Gonna have to start again,” 

If it were up to Connor, he would have stayed the night again and was half considering asking Louisa if he could before he realised that she wasn’t the nurse on duty. 

“Sorry,” the Nurse said quietly, “Visiting hours are up,” 

Kevin dropped his Switch to the bed with a sigh when the nurse left and turned away from Connor. At first, he thought that Kevin was angry with him until he rolled back over to face him, this time with a marker in his hand. 

“Can I sign your cast before you go?” 

Wordlessly, Connor held his arm out towards Kevin who gave him a tiny smile as he leaned over, hiding what he was writing from view. Before Connor could gently remind him that walking around with a penis on his arm was unbecoming for even him, Kevin pulled away with a sheepish smile. 

Connor glanced down at his cast, a lump immediately rising in his throat. In big, surprisingly neat handwriting for him, he had written, ‘ _ All my love, Kevin’,  _ surrounded by doodles of tiny hearts. 

“Soppy,” Connor muttered. 

Kevin’s face fell, “Sorry. Do you not like it?” 

“No, I do,” Connor said hurriedly, “Sorry. I do like it, I promise,” 

Kevin smiled at him and leaned forward. Connor froze, his eyes fluttering shut when he felt Kevin’s lips brush against his cheek and then drift lower. Kevin’s breath tickled his lips for a second before he pressed a kiss to the very corner of his mouth. 

“Sorry,” Kevin whispered, resting his head against Connor’s cheek, “I don’t think I’m ready,” 

“It’s okay,” Connor said, picking up his hand and pressing a gentle kiss to his knuckles, “I’ll wait,” 

“If you really want to kiss, I can-” 

“I’ll wait,” Connor said, more firmly this time, “Not until you’re ready. I’m not ready until you are,” 

Kevin’s bottom lip trembled and he nodded, playing with the fingers on Connor’s uninjured hand, “but if you want to-” 

“Kev,” Connor said softly, “I’m serious,” 

“I - I know, I just...when I...when I leave, I don’t want to disappoint you if I can’t have s-sex or-” 

“I don’t care if we have to wait 70 years,” Connor said, “I’ll wait,” 

“You’ll still want to have sex with me when I’m 90?” Kevin asked, a smile tugging on his lips. 

Connor shrugged, “You’ll still be cute,” 

He wasn’t sure if he was being naïve or had gone back to thinking that his life was going to be like a rom-com once Kevin was back home, but Connor really thought that they were going to live to be an elderly couple in a retirement home. He liked to think that they would have grandchildren and great children, and that Arnold and Nabulungi would live next door, and Chris and James would live opposite. 

And sure, Connor  _ hated  _ the thought of being old, because he didn’t want to not have the energy to dance anymore or, god forbid, forget who Kevin was but if there was one upside to being 90, it was that David would definitely be dead by then. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Updating relatively quickly? Who'd have thought 
> 
> But also England has gone back into lockdown for four weeks so providing I don't spend it lay on my bedroom floor and staring up at the ceiling, you might get regular updates. But don't quote me on that because last lockdown I spent most of it lay on my bedroom floor staring up at the ceiling. 
> 
> Thanks for reading though!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloo! 
> 
> Just a quick heads up to say that Kevin talks a lot about what happened with David in this chapter. I don't go into any graphic detail because literally no one needs to read (or write) that, but he talks about a few things and how it has effected him. So, just bear that in mind before you start to read because I don't to upset anyone!! 
> 
> (Also bear in mind that even thought it is a bit heavy at times, it is a happy ending lol)

“You’ll get your HIV results via text in about 30 minutes, the rest will be in the next couple of days. Any questions?” 

His plan had been to approach the situation in the way that his father had approached fatherhood - completely devoid of emotion. Instead, he almost broke down in tears and asked every single stupid question that popped into his head; what would happen if he was HIV positive? Was he going to die? More importantly, was his  _ boyfriend  _ going to die? Was he going to be ostracised from society? Would it affect his health insurance? Would it affect job opportunities if they had to do a health screen and found out he was positive? Would it ever stop him having children biologically if ever wanted a little ginger haired baby?

The nurse was extremely patient as she answered all his questions, and even gave him a bar of chocolate when he left. He was sort of disappointed that it wasn’t a sticker. 

His face burned bright red as he hurried from the clinic, his eyes firmly planted on the ground. As much as he knew that there was nothing embarrassing about a grown man going for an STI check, he had not enjoyed it and was in no rush to go back. He wasn’t sure why, but he had no expected the nurse to ask him so many questions about his sex life and felt as though she had been far too cheerful when she had asked him to drop his trousers. 

He had also decided that from this point onwards, no one who wasn’t Kevin Price was allowed to see his penis or ass. 

The clinic was only a block or two away from the hospital, but Connor felt like he needed to recollect himself before he could face Kevin. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was aware that he should have been able to discuss something as important as STIs with Kevin, but he did not think that there was an easy way to ask your already unstable boyfriend if he had HIV or not. 

To distract himself from the thought of either of them having HIV, Connor stopped at a coffee shop on the way into the hospital. He grabbed equally large coffee for the both of them - because the text updates that Kevin had been sending him at 3 AM about the wellbeing of his Tamogatchi told him everything he needed to know about his sleep schedule - and also a bagel for Kevin, because he was even starting to  _ eat  _ again. 

The Psych ward was quiet when he arrived. Connor always preferred it like that, it made him feel less guilty when he had to leave Kevin alone there. Doctor Daniels waved at him from the other side of the room and Louisa flashed him a grin as he passed her, a sure sign that everything was fine with Kevin because neither of them had stopped them with that  _ look  _ on their face. 

He found Kevin as he always did; sat cross legged in the middle of his bed with his tongue between his teeth as he jammed at the buttons on his Switch. It took Connor clearing his throat once, twice, three times before Kevin finally looked up at him with a smile. 

“I got you coffee,” Connor said, “And a bagel,” 

“Say it again?” Kevin asked quietly. 

Connor rolled his eyes, “Coffee,” 

Kevin giggled and shuffled around to make room for him on the bed. Connor handed him his coffee and perched on the edge of the bed, waiting for him to decide how close he wanted to be to him. There were days when Connor would end up sitting on the sofa, and days where Kevin would cling onto him the entire time he was there and the awkward days where Kevin would be constantly moving back and forth between sitting next to him and not. 

He watched as Kevin nibbled on his bagel, his eyes darting between the two of them. Just as Connor went to move to the sofa, Kevin tugged on his hand, a silent invitation to sit next to him. Without thinking, Connor tugged his phone out of his pocket and handed it to Kevin. 

“Is your charger next to you? It’s about to die,” 

Kevin nodded and took his phone the moment it lit up. Connor thought nothing of it at first; they had never been the kind of couple to keep their phones private and there was nothing on there that he didn’t want Kevin to see. 

Nothing aside from the results of his HIV test. 

“Why did you get tested for HIV?” 

Connor’s eyes widened, torn between snatching the phone from Kevin’s hands or playing dumb. Before he could do either of those things, Kevin had plugged it into the charger and turned to face him, his eyes swimming with the tears. 

“It’s because of me, isn’t it?” Kevin mumbled. 

“We’ve never spoke about it,” Connor whispered, “I never asked in Uganda, and I should have,” 

Kevin frowned, a tear slipping down his cheek, “It’s not airborne,” 

“I - I know,” Connor said slowly, “but after - after the General...” he trailed off, his cheeks turning pink. 

Kevin stared at him as though he was just hearing about this for the first time, and Connor suddenly felt lightheaded. Had Kevin somehow forgotten about the General? Would it be the kind of thing that he would have to remember, or could he live in blissful ignorance for the rest of his life?

“I don’t have HIV,” Kevin said slowly, “Neither do you,” 

Connor let out a sigh of relief and closed his eyes, “I’m sorry. I should have just asked, but I - well...I - it’s sort of a miracle really, isn’t it? How he never passed it onto you,” 

“You can’t catch HIV from a book,” 

Connor’s eyes shot open to meet Kevin’s teary ones. 

“A book?”

“He used the book,” Kevin said, "I thought you knew," 

“I don’t understand,” 

Kevin clenched his jaw and spoke through gritted teeth, “He put the book in me,” 

It took a moment for everything to slot into place and suddenly everything made sense; how Kevin had been limping around for close to three months, how he wouldn’t even  _ touch  _ a Book of Mormon anymore, how Doctor Daniels had been confused when he realised that Connor didn’t know the whole story. 

A wave of nausea overtook Connor and he had to look away from Kevin, digging his fingernails into his palms in an attempt to reground himself. 

He supposed that the one silver lining was that he was already dead. Connor would never forget Nabulungi hesitantly telling them that he had passed away. Kevin had not said anything, had barely looked up from his laptop, he had just nodded once and carried on working on whatever assignment had been the focus of his attention that week. 

“I’m sorry,” Connor whispered, his eyes slipping in and out of focus as he tried to understand how using the book even worked, “I didn’t - I didn’t realise. I thought that - well, I just...I thought...I...I didn’t realise he’d done it like that,” 

Kevin made a funny noise through his nose and scooted over to him again. He didn’t lean against him, but lay flat on his back beside him. Slowly, Connor moved to lie next to him, turning his face so he could stare at him. His hands were clasped over his stomach as tears made tracks down his face. 

“I’m sorry,” Connor said again, “it wasn’t fair for me to keep the tests from you, but I didn’t - I didn’t know if - I didn’t know how it happened,” 

“It’s fine,” Kevin mumbled, “You just think - You think I’m dirty. That they’ve tainted me or something,” 

“No,” Connor said quickly, “No, I don’t - I don’t think that at all. I just - well, I - I didn’t think that the General would have had a condom and I didn’t - I didn’t know if David had - had one. Did he?” 

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Connor clapped his hand over his mouth, silently cursing himself for asking such a stupid question. 

“Sorry! I didn’t - I didn’t mean to ask that! You don’t have to think about - about that! I mean, you were probably distracted by - I mean, you probably weren’t thinking about -  _ oh my god _ ,” Connor groaned and covered his face with his hands, “I’m sorry. I’m panicking. I’m digging myself a deeper hole. I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re dirty or tainted. That’s what I’m - That’s what I’m trying to say,” 

The bed dipped next to him, and Connor assumed it was Kevin getting up to get away from him before Kevin peeled his hands from his face. He was propped up on his elbow and, for a reason that Connor could not understand, was smiling down at him. He was silent for a moment, tracing the words that he had written on Connor’s cast and placing gentle kisses to his fingers. 

“You,” he said finally. 

Connor frowned, “Me what?” 

“I was thinking about you,” Kevin said, “When David was rap - when I was with him,” 

“Kev,” Connor whispered, “We don’t need to talk about it,” 

Kevin lay on his back again, turning his face away from Connor but still held on to his fingers. 

“I figured that if I pretended he was you, it’d be easier,” Kevin said quietly, “but his hands were bigger than yours...and rougher and he didn’t - he wouldn’t - when I said the position was uncomfortable he just...he carried on. You don’t do that. When I say I’m uncomfortable, you move us around and get me cushions to lie on until I’m comfy again...” 

Connor closed his eyes, putting his free hand over Kevin’s. He would rather listen to someone recite the Book of Mormon from start to finish than listen to this, but Kevin was  _ talking.  _ He wasn’t closing in on himself and pushing Connor away. The very least he could do for him was listen. 

“He - He kissed me, too,” Kevin said, “and he - he took that from me. You were the only person I’ve ever kissed and that  _ meant  _ something. That’s when I really struggled to pretend it was you cause you - you have the specific way of kissing me and he didn’t do it like that...” 

Connor frowned, “I do?” 

Kevin sniffled, “You never go straight for my lips. You...You always like, kiss my nose and my cheeks first...you always work your way down to my lips. I like it...it makes me - it makes me feel safe. Loved,” 

Connor had never realised that he did such a thing, but wasn’t going to question it. He remained silent, waiting to see if Kevin was going to say anything more to him or if he was going to retreat back into his shell like he usually did after opening up to Connor about something. 

After a while, he turned his face to look at him; his eyes were red and puffy, and the tape that was holding his feeding tube to his face was peeling off. Arnold had bought him a roll of tape that had all different shapes. Today, it was in the shape of a heart.

“It was only once, wasn’t it?” Connor asked, unable to hold back. 

Kevin nodded, “He - He wanted me to go again, but I kept on sneaking out after my classes. Sometimes we’d - sometimes we’d pass each other on campus and he’d always...he’d always  _ touch me _ ,” 

“T-Touch you?”

“Not like  that ,” Kevin said hurriedly, “I mean like...like how you do, you know? Like he’d put his hand on my arm or on - on the small off my back and it - it freaked me out because it was like he was showing everyone that I was his or - or something...” he trailed off and frowned, “But I...I like it when you touch me because you’re  _ you  _ and you’re allowed to do that it just - I feel like he’s taken it away from me like...like little touches like that I can’t...I can’t enjoy,” 

At once, Connor went to move his hands but Kevin grabbed onto them tighter with a shake of his head, “Don’t let go, please. I want to...I want to enjoy the moments when we can actually touch,”

“Don’t feel like you have to,” Connor whispered, “I won’t be mad,” 

Kevin gave him a tiny smile, “I know. You don’t - You don’t make me feel like I have to do anything,” 

Connor smiled back and tilted his head forward so that their foreheads were touching. Kevin’s breath tickled Connor’s nose and lips, and he wanted nothing more than to lean forward just a few inches more...

“Do you wanna kiss me?” 

Connor’s eyes shot up to meet Kevin’s and he nodded, “Yeah...” 

Kevin’s eyes dropped down to his lips and he began to lean forward before pulling back at the very last moment. Connor fought to keep the disappointment off his face, but the way Kevin’s face dropped told him that he hadn’t been successful. 

“I don’t - I don’t think I can,” Kevin mumbled, “I keep on thinking about him,” 

Connor swallowed, the lump that had been rising steadily in his throat for the past half an hour making it quite difficult. 

“It’s okay,” he whispered. 

Kevin’s bottom lip started trembling, “He was so - so  _ rough.  _ I tried being - being  _ good  _ and doing what he asked me to and just letting him but he still wasn’t - wasn’t gentle.  _ Everything  _ hurt. As soon as we were in his office he kissed me and I can’t stop thinking that if anyone kisses me, it’s because they’re about to - they’re about to do  _ that _ ,” 

Connor was swallowed again and hesitantly wiped the tears that were sliding down Kevin’s face. 

“It’s okay,” he whispered again, “I understand. You don’t have to explain yourself. I just...I wish you’d have told me what had happened sooner...” 

Kevin closed his eyes, taking a shuddering breath, “I couldn’t see a way out...”

“ _ Me _ ,” Connor whispered, “I was your way out,” 

“I saw you,” Kevin said quietly, “Afterwards. When I got home, we passed each other in the hallway but you were running late to work and I didn’t...I didn’t want to hold you up. And then when you came home I was gonna - I was gonna tell you but you just passed out in bed as soon as you got in and I don’t like waking you up when you’re tired after a show...”

Connor wasn’t sure what was worse; the fact that on both of these occasions, he had realised that something was the matter with Kevin and did nothing about it, or the fact that he had done exactly that on the day of Nabulungi’s play in Uganda. Both times, something beyond horrific had happened to Kevin and both times, Connor had ignored it because he was too busy worrying about himself and his own life. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I should have - I should have been there. I’m so sorry,” 

Kevin finally turned to face him, “Please just be here now,” 

Connor nodded quickly, “Of - Of course. I’ll be here,” 

“And keep me safe,” Kevin whispered, “I can’t - I can’t go through it again,” 

“I promise. I’ll keep you - I’ll keep you safe,” 

A broken son tore from Kevin’s lip and he pressed himself right up against Connor, his face hidden in his neck. Connor let out a shaky breath and rolled onto his side, pulling Kevin closer to him, his fingers dragging up and down his back in an admittedly pathetic way to soothe him. When that didn’t work, Connor pulled away from him for a moment to grab his jacket off the ground and drape it over his hips. 

Kevin whimpered a little, clinging onto Connor that little bit tighter, “They said I shouldn’t rely on that to make me feel better...that it’s just enabling me,” 

Connor tutted, “Does it make you feel safe?” 

Kevin whimpered again and nodded against Connor’s neck, his hair tickling the underside of his chin. 

“Then that’s all that matters,” Connor said, bringing his hand up to brush through Kevin’s hair, “They can yell at me about it,” 

Kevin laughed quietly against his neck, “I’m gonna...I’m gonna nap,” 

“Do you want me to sit on the sofa?” 

Kevin forcefully shook his head, his grip tightening on the back of Connor’s shirt, “N-No. Stay. Please,” 

It was too bright for Connor to fall asleep, so he stayed awake whilst Kevin gently snored. The fingers of his uninjured hand massaged Kevin’s scalp whilst the other traced circles into his back. His hair had gotten a little out of control and was starting to curl as it always did when he hadn’t been to barbers for a while. If it were up to Connor, Kevin would never cut his hair and stay looking like the Prince out of a fairytale forever. It was a shame he was so smart, or Connor might have been able to convince him that the state of New York had banned haircuts. 

At some point, long after Connor’s arm had gone numb, Kevin woke up. He groaned a little and pulled away from him, rubbing his eyes. 

“I’m going to the bathroom,” he mumbled, “Won’t be long,” 

The logical, rational and mentally stable part of Connor’s brain (that seemed to be getting smaller and smaller everyday) understood that Kevin going to the bathroom was not code for ‘I’m going to kill myself’. The illogical, irrational and mentally unstable part, however, was convinced that within the next twenty minutes, Louisa was going to come into the room and tell him that Kevin was dead. 

As the minutes wore on, Connor became more and more stressed. He sat up in bed and drew his knees to his chest, his eyes flickering between the door and the space where Kevin had just been lay. He  _ was  _ going to come back. Of course he was going to come back. He was taking so long because he  _ always  _ took forever in the bathroom. Kevin always washed his hands for at least two minutes and would then spend a further five staring at his hair to make sure it was perfect, even if they were just sitting at home with no planes to go out. 

Finally, the door slid open and Kevin walked back in, still looking like he was half asleep. He offered Connor a tiny smile as he picked up his tube of hand cream and squeezed some on his hands. Kevin’s dedication to looking after his body (with the exception of the amount of caffeine he consumed) always impressed Connor. And the fact that he was still obsessively moisturising was a good thing, Connor told himself, because it meant that he still believed he was worth looking after. 

Kevin froze in the act of getting back into bed, his eyebrows raised, “You’re crying,” 

Connor jumped and put his hand to his face, he had not even realised. 

“It’s nothing,” Connor mumbled, wiping his cheek. 

Kevin shook his head, “No it’s not. It’s something,” 

The thought of telling Kevin how terrible he felt was laughable and also something that was  _ not  _ going to happen. Judging by the way Kevin huffed and scowled at him, he had somehow read his mind. 

“Just because I’m in here doesn’t mean you can’t tell me if you feel shitty,” Kevin grumbled. 

“I’m paranoid,” Connor admitted, “When you left to go to the bathroom, I thought that you weren’t gonna come back,” 

“Do you know how impossible it is to kill yourself here?” Kevin asked, “Everything sharp is locked up, all the wires are tied together so you can’t untie them, there’s always someone watching and I...” he trailed off, “I don’t - I don’t want to. I told you. I want to stop feeling like this,” 

Connor nodded silently and wiped his eyes, feeling unbearably selfish for making it all about him. None of this was about him. It was about Kevin. 

“C’mon,” Kevin whispered, lying down, “You look tired,” 

Connor expected Kevin to cuddle into him again, but he instead pulled Connor over to him, letting him rest with his head on his chest. Connor lay extremely still, waiting to see if Kevin was uncomfortable in any way. If the way that he tapped on Connor’s thigh to get him to hook his leg over his hips or the way he was dragging his fingers through his hair was anything to go by, he wasn’t uncomfortable at all. 

He hid his smile against his chest and decided that there was no composer who could write music more beautiful than the sound of Kevin’s heart gently pounding away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading! 
> 
> Sorry this is a little shorter than usual, but if I'd have made it any longer it would have messed with the pacing and blah blah blah boring stuff but I hope you enjoyed!!


	11. Chapter 11

Three days later, Connor was back on Broadway and he couldn’t stand it. 

Management had called him just that morning, practically begging him to come back because the second Marius cover had gotten ill and they really, _really_ didn’t want to force someone who didn’t know the role on stage. Connor had argued that _he_ barely knew the role anymore and even if he did, his arm was in a cast and that was not very Marius of him. 

Unfortunately for him, they wouldn’t take no for an answer and everyone else in his life - even _Isaac_ \- was telling him that going back to work was probably the best thing for him to do. It was only when Kevin had given him one of those smiles that made his insides melt and quietly reminded him that Marius was a dream role that he agreed to do it. 

He stood in the wings before his first entrance onto stage, heart in his mouth as he seriously considered running away and never looking back. He clutched at his cast that was hidden underneath the sleeve of his coat, slowly tracing the letters that he knew were written there. Costume had wanted him to change the cast to something that was easier to hide, but Connor had point-blank refused to get rid of it and it seemed that no one felt like arguing with someone whose boyfriend was in a psych ward.

He just wished that Kevin could have been there to see him, but he did not think that he would be able to leave the hospital after what had happened last time. Chris, James, Arnold and Nabulungi were there, at the very least, but it still didn’t feel the same. He unconsciously began smiling when he remembered the first time Kevin had seen him on Broadway; instead of coming back stage after the show like anyone else, he had waited in the freezing cold at stage door, just so Connor could sign his Playbill.

Most of the show was a blur; he felt like he wasn’t in control of anything that his body was doing, not that he really minded. As long as he was singing the right notes and standing in the right place, it didn’t really matter. 

Though, he should have perhaps known that being in arguably the most depressing show on Earth whilst going through an incredibly hard time wasn’t his brightest idea. 

When Eponine stumbled towards him and collapsed in his arms, Connor realised his mistake. 

“ _You’re here. That’s all I need to know. And you will keep me safe_ . _And you will keep me close...”_

When Connor opened his mouth, it was with the intention to sing but nothing came out with the exception of a wretched sob. Patricia broke character at once; her eyes flew open and she hesitantly lifted her hand to put on Connor’s cheek, as though that might help him. In an attempt to hide his face from the audience - and the one person who was definitely filming - he dropped his chin to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to just _breathe._

Patricia carried on singing and it was all Connor could do to tell her to not _shut up._ Every line about being kept safe and close was as though it was sung by Kevin and it was like a punch to the gut every time. He knew he was being overdramatic, and that making that connection was stupid, but he couldn’t help it. 

He just about managed to choke out the last line, well aware that the smattering of applause that followed was more to do with politeness or pity than genuine amazement at their performance. 

As soon as he could, he staggered off stage, finding it increasingly difficult to catch his breath. One of the stage hands appeared at his shoulder, quietly asking if he needed to call out and telling him that no one was going to be angry if he didn’t finish the show because everyone understood. 

“N-No,” Connor mumbled, “No, just - just give me a minute. I’ll be - I’ll be fine. I can finish,” 

_Empty Chairs at Empty Tables_ very nearly finished him off, but he hoped that his sobbing could be passed off as a character choice rather than his inability to separate real life from his work. 

It was a relief when the show finally came to an end and Connor no longer had to be in the spotlight. Management was quick to reassure him that he was under no obligation to come back the next day and that he was more than welcome to take more time off. Surprising both himself and the rest of the cast, Connor shook his head and assured them that he would be back the next day. 

“I just needed to get the first show out of the way,” Connor said, “I’ll be fine tomorrow,” 

There was a silent ‘probably’ that everyone heard, but no one questioned him, presumably because no one felt like being a therapist to someone who’s boyfriend had been locked away in a Psych ward for almost a month. Which was fine, because Connor really didn’t need any of them to be a therapist for him. He didn’t even need a real therapist to be a therapist for him. 

Chris, James, Arnold and Nabulungi immediately launched into their praise for his performance as soon as he saw them, though Connor couldn’t help but notice that it was all focused on the first act. He took it all with a smile and shrug, grateful that they all seemed to understand that he didn’t want to talk about it. 

“I’m gonna go and see Kevin,” Connor said once they had finally made it out of the theatre and away from all the sympathetic looks that made his skin crawl. 

James frowned and looked down at his watch, “It’s late,” 

“I know, but Doctor Daniels said I could because I had to be at the theatre all day,” 

It was a depressing sign of the times that Connor felt more at home in the hospital than he did at the theatre. Still, even he could admit that he had missed the heat of the stage lights bearing down on him and the rush that came with his first entrance, and every other one that came after that. 

None of that compared to seeing Kevin, though. He was still awake when Connor got into his room, scribbling in his diary with his tongue between his teeth. Kevin frowned when he looked up and saw him, immediately looking back down at his watch. 

“Visiting hours are over,” 

“I know,” Connor said, dropping down into the chair besides Kevin bed, “but it was my first show back today, I’ve been at the theatre all day,” 

Kevin’s frown deepened and he looked down at his diary, flicking back to the last page. His shoulders sagged and he dropped the diary to the floor, rolling onto his side and looking up at Connor with sad eyes. 

“My memory is still bad,” 

“It’s not nearly as bad as it was,” Connor said softly, “Stop putting so much pressure on yourself,” 

Kevin made a face at that and shuffled backwards a little, patting the bed next to him. Connor smiled and slipped into bed beside him, secretly grateful that today was not one of the days where he had to sit on the sofa. 

“How was the show?” Kevin asked quietly. 

“Bad,” Connor mumbled, “I might be the worst Marius ever,” 

“You aren’t!” Kevin exclaimed, sounding so offended it was as though Connor had insulted him. 

Connor rolled his eyes, “I am. I ruined all of Act 2 because I couldn’t stop crying,” 

Kevin’s face fell at this, “Sorry. Was it - Was it because of me?” 

“It’s fine,” Connor said, brushing the hair out of Kevin’s eyes, “I was being dramatic. I’m sure I’ll be fine tomorrow, “ 

Kevin sighed and turned his back to Connor. At first, he thought it was because he didn’t want them to be so close anymore but before he could go to move, Kevin had rolled back over to him with a grin and his Switch in hand. 

“You need stress relief,” Kevin said, dropping the console into Connor’s lap. 

“I don’t play video games,” 

This did not at all seem to be of importance to Kevin, who picked the Switch up with the roll of an eye and turned it on. Before Connor could ask to play a relatively simple game, Kevin had opened up Zelda and placed it in his hands. 

“Kev, this is not my area of expertise,” 

“You used to make me do karaoke all the time,” Kevin pointed out, “At least no one has to see you be terrible at this,” 

And Connor couldn’t really argue with that, because he _did_ use to make Kevin do karaoke because everyone else in his life had learned how to say no to him. Before he could dissolve into a puddle of anxiety, - because what if Kevin, god forbid, had not felt like he was able to say _no?_ \- Kevin had pulled Connor into the space between his legs and rested his chin on his shoulder in one swift movement. 

“You’re the little blond guy in blue,” Kevin said, pointing him out on the screen, “You can change his clothes if you want,”

“No,” Connor mumbled, suddenly feeling lightheaded, “This is - he looks fine,” 

He felt Kevin’s cheeks move against his own as he smiled and put his hands over Connor’s, slowly talking him through all the different controls. Connor wasn’t sure if this counted as Kevin flirting, or slowly returning back to the ways things were, but he wasn’t complaining - no matter how awkward it felt. 

It felt exactly as it had done in that awkward period between their first kiss and Connor hesitantly asking what they were in Uganda; small touches that made Connor’s face heat up and Kevin being seemingly unaware of the effect that it had on him. It was as infuriating and thrilling at 22 as it had been at 19. 

“See those guys?” Kevin said, pointing to something on the screen, “Those are the bad guys. You need to kill them,” 

What was meant to act as stress relief seemed to achieve the exact opposite. Connor wasn’t sure how being attacked by a mob of angry monsters with swords was relaxing, but he didn’t much feel like insulting one of the few things that seemed to be keeping Kevin sane. 

“You’re not gonna lose the game if I keep on dying, are you?” Connor asked anxiously after being taken out by yet another explosion. 

Kevin laughed, wrapping his arms around Connor’s stomach, “No, you’re okay. You just need to, uh...actually try and fight them instead of jumping up and down whenever they come towards you,” 

“What button am I meant to be pressing? I’m confused,” 

“Y,” Kevin reminded him, “Just keep on hitting that and you’ll be fine,” 

He wasn’t fine. In fact, he was anything but fine, but he carried on playing for no other reason than to hear Kevin laugh softly in his ear and occasionally put his hands over Connor’s to try and steer him in somewhat of the right direction. 

As stressful as Connor found it, it was worth it just to see how much Kevin was smiling. 

* * *

Being in a leading role was not all it was cracked up to be. If it weren’t for Kevin and his own rapidly declining mental health, Connor might have actually felt like he was living the dream. Every note felt like a chore and he would spend the first act worrying about _A Little Fall of Rain_ and the second act cursing himself for blubbering his way through said song.

It was a strange thing, to achieve a dream and not at all feel excited about it. 

The only thing that he ever looked forward to was seeing Kevin again, but that was only on the days when Connor was confined to the sofa. 

“Do you know when he’s being discharged?” Chris asked quietly one evening. 

Connor shook his head, “No. I felt like we were getting closer before he saw David again...” 

“I know,” Chris sighed, “but it’s better that we know about it, right? Because if we hadn’t and he’d been discharged...” 

“Yeah,” Connor mumbled, slumping against the sofa cushions, “I guess,” 

“And he’s eating,” James pointed out, “He’s probably closer to coming home than you think,” 

Connor agreed with him, but only because he couldn’t bear for Kevin to stay in the hospital for much longer. Not that the thought of Kevin coming home didn’t terrify him. He wasn’t entirely sure how he was meant to balance looking out for a suicidal boyfriend and work, but he didn't think that it was going to be fun. 

“I wish he could come and see me in the show, “ Connor mumbled, “Even _Isaac_ has come to see me,” 

“He started talking about Drag Race the other day. I think he’s doing research on gays,” James said with a snicker. 

“Can’t he ask to leave the hospital for like three hours to see you?” Chris asked, “He’s not a prisoner, is he?” 

Connor shrugged, “I don’t know, last time we left was a disaster, wasn’t it? I don’t want to ask because I know what the answer will be and I know it’ll upset me. I’ve only got three Marius shows left, anyway. There’s no point in working myself up over it,” 

“Could we not just grab him and run?” James asked, “Or is that illegal?” 

“It’s illegal,” Chris sighed, “I got into _a lot_ of trouble when I tried sneaking my sister to McDonalds once...” 

“Damnit,” 

* * *

“I feel bad about not being there tonight,” 

Connor smiled and picked up Kevin’s hand, gently brushing his lips over his knuckles. He felt _terrible_ about the fact that Kevin wasn’t going to be there for his last show as Marius, but would feel even worse if Kevin was going to beat himself up about it. 

“You don’t have to,” he said quietly, “I don’t think you’ll be missing much,” 

Kevin pouted at him, “I don’t like it when you act like you’re the worst actor ever. You’re not,” 

“You haven’t seen me as Marius,” 

“But you’re probably the best Marius ever and you always say that I’m the smartest person ever so you can’t argue with me,” 

Connor hid his smile behind his hand as Kevin carried on telling him exactly why he wasn’t allowed to insult himself. It was like watching the old Kevin talk; the one who had overcome everything in Africa and had never met David. It gave him hope that perhaps that Kevin wasn’t dead, and had just been in a coma. 

It made leaving him to go to the show that little bit harder. He was never sure when he would next get Kevin in such a good mood. 

“I’m gonna try and come to see you after,” Connor told him as he shrugged his jacket on. 

Kevin nodded, “Break a leg. I love you,” 

Connor couldn’t help it and beamed at him, “I love you too,” 

In a shocking turn of events that left him a little dazed, the show wasn’t a disaster. Sure, he had almost fallen to the floor during _One Day More_ and then got his coat stuck on the barricade seconds later, but it wasn’t even close to being his worst show. 

He even managed to get through both _A Little Fall of Rain_ and _Empty Chairs at Empty Tables_ without blubbering like a baby and the audience were none the wiser to the almost-panic attacks that he had had after both songs. 

None of this stopped him from feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders once the lights had gone down and he could finally escape the stage. Ed was hovering awkwardly around him as he got ready to go home, constantly glancing down at his watch and then back up at him. 

“Are you gonna stage door?” he asked casually. 

“Uh...probably not,” Connor said, handing his shirt to the dresser with a smile, “I want to go and see Kevin,” 

“I think you should,” Ed said quickly, “because it’s your last show as Marius. And won’t people want to see you?”

Connor shrugged, “I don’t think anyone is going to lose sleep over me not being there. Most people come to see Michael anyway, so-” 

“Just stage door!” Ed exclaimed. 

“Okay, okay! I’ll stage door!” Connor snapped, “Fucking hell!” 

Connor had spent much of his teenage years dreaming about walking out of the stage door after a show only to find that it was his least favourite thing about the job. He did it, but only because he remembered how disappointed he used to be whenever actors skipped it after he had been waiting in the freezing cold for close to half an hour. The whole thing was just so... _awkward._ He had never quite mastered the art of taking compliments and his attempts at small talk were beyond embarrassing. It also didn’t help that as a member of the ensemble, most people were more interested in the principal cast members and the most commonly asked question was if he knew if Enjorlas was going to come out or not. 

It was a relief when he finally got to the end of the line, twirling his sharpie between his fingers and hoping that he’d be able to get through one last interaction without embarrassing himself. 

“You were great. My favourite Marius,” 

Connor gasped, almost stumbling to the ground before Kevin yelped and lurched forward to grab him. 

“Sorry!” he exclaimed, “I wanted to - I wanted to surprise you! Arnold and Naba got us all tickets and Doctor Daniels said I was allowed and I was going to tell you but I thought it’d be more fun to surprise you but - I think that maybe I should have just - told you...” 

Connor hastily shook his head and awkwardly ran a hand through his hair, wary of the fact that there were people _definitely_ eavesdropping. 

“No, I just -” he froze when he finally got a proper look at Kevin. His eyes dropped from his hair (that, ironically, looked the best it had in months) and to his face. There was something different about him, but Connor couldn’t quite put his finger on it, “You look different but I - oh my god,” 

“I know!” Kevin grinned. 

It was striking how different Kevin looked without the feeding tube and Connor would have happily stood and stared at him for the rest of his life. 

“I didn’t - I didn’t even know that they were thinking about taking it out,” 

Kevin flushed, “I know, I didn’t - I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to get your hopes up or - or mine, really and I - I also wanted to surprise you so, I...I...sorry. You look like you’re going to collapse, I think I’m gonna...I’m gonna stop surprising you,” 

“No, it’s fine,” Connor said quickly before he lowered his voice, “it’s just...people are listening,” 

“Walk me home, then?” Kevin asked quietly, “It’ll take like 40 minutes, but it means we get to spend more time together,” 

Connor smiled and nodded, “I’d like that,” 

Usually, Connor would refuse to walk anywhere if it wasn’t considered lazy to get the subway or a cab. And he would _certainly_ refuse to go on a 40 minute walk, but he wasn’t going to say no to Kevin. Not when it was glaringly obvious that he was in such a good mood that it was hard to believe that they were walking back to a psych ward. 

He also wasn’t going to complain when Kevin took his hand and it was easy to pretend that they were walking home after a night out. 

“You were really good in the show,” Kevin said quietly, “Seriously,” 

“I’m glad you came tonight,” Connor admitted, “It was the best I’ve been the entire run, and it still wasn’t great but-” 

“Stop it,” Kevin said, squeezing his hand, “You’re good at your job, Connor. Don’t act like you’re not,” 

“Alright,” Connor conceded, even though he would have happily continued arguing that the way he walked in Do _You Hear The People Sing?_ ruined the entire show, “but I’ve not been great,” 

“Connor!” 

“Alright! I’m just saying...” 

As nice as Kevin being so _Kevin-like_ was, there were still moments where it was clear they had a way to go. Whenever a man walked by them, Kevin would tense and immediately move closer to Connor, the grip on his hand becoming that little stronger. Connor could not do much but whisper that he was safe and that nothing bad was going to happen, but it seemed to put him somewhat at ease. 

Still, Connor wasn’t going to let small moments like that convince him that Kevin wasn’t getting better, because he _was._ The Kevin he was holding hands with, was like the one who had come to terms with how the General and how their family felt about them, which meant that he was close to a Kevin that Connor had yet to meet; a truly _happy_ Kevin. Maybe even one that would agree to get _married._ The ring was still in his bedroom at Chris and James’ apartment, and he always liked to check on it, just to make sure it hadn’t gone anywhere. 

An unconscious smile crept onto his lips as he thought about the day when he could finally propose to Kevin. It might not ever be during the romantic weekend away in a cabin that Connor had been dreaming about for months, but it was still going to be romantic. He thought that maybe it could be around Christmastime, so Kevin had something other than his unloving parents to think about. 

“Why are you smiling?” Kevin asked, bringing him back down to earth. 

“Nothing,” Connor said, “I’m just in a good mood, I guess,” 

Kevin smiled at him, “Me too,” 

Connor tried to draw out the walk back to the hospital in any way that he could - pretending to tie his laces, pointing out even the most mundane of things on the other side of the street and occasionally ‘forgetting’ which way they were meant to be going. If Kevin noticed - and he almost certainly did - he didn’t say anything. 

As soon as they approached the hospital, Connor felt himself deflate and he wasn’t entirely sure how he was going to find it himself to actually let go of Kevin's hand. 

“Walk me up to the ward?” Kevin asked quietly. 

Connor nodded, more than happy to squeeze in as much time with Kevin as possible. The elevator seemed to be moving so much faster than usual, and when the doors slid open, he seriously considered grabbing Kevin and running away. If it weren’t for the fact that he had already beaten someone up and spent the majority of his days worrying about the police turning up at his door, he might have actually done it. One possible criminal charge was acceptable, but two felt excessive. 

“I’ll come and see you tomo-” 

“Can I talk to you?” Kevin asked, just as Connor went to open the doors to the ward for him. 

“Uh...yeah?” Connor said slowly, “What do you want to-” 

“Not here,” Kevin said quickly, grabbing his hand and pulling him around the corner where no one could see them, “It’s important to me. And you, probably. Hopefully,” 

Connor frowned, perturbed by Kevin’s sudden switch from relative calm to bordering on manic. He kept on picking up Connor’s hands only to drop them seconds later and run a hand through his hair in the way that he always did when he was anxious. 

“I really, really love you,” Kevin said, his voice shaking, “and I - I know that I’ve been the worst person to be around lately but you’ve just - you’ve always been there for me, even when - even when I accidentally broke up with you, you still came to the hospital when I asked you because you’re just - you’re a very nice person and I’m very lucky to have you,” 

He spoke in one big breath and if it weren’t for the fact that Connor knew him so well, he might not have been able to understand him. Before Connor could ask exactly why he felt the need to say all of this, he ploughed on. 

“And I know I don’t really deserve you because I haven’t been paying attention to _you_ and how _you_ feel because I know that this must have been very shitty for you because it’s messed with your job and your, well, your entire life but you’ve never really shown that because you’re just that sort of person and I - I wanna say thank-you for-” 

“Kev,” Connor said quietly, “You don’t need to thank me,” 

“No, but I _do_ ,” Kevin said earnestly, “because I think that - I think that I’m a bit of a burden for you sometimes and you - you go out of your way to make sure that I feel safe and happy even though I - I know that there’s times when you don’t feel either of those things because of - of what you’ve been through but you always but your feelings on the backburner for me,” 

Connor looked away from him, heat prickling across his face as a lump rose in his throat. Outside of their deep 3 AM conversations when they were either unable to sleep or drunk, he had never really spoken to Kevin about his life before Uganda. All he had ever really told him was that his parents were terrible and conversion therapy was as traumatic as it was useless. 

“And I feel _bad_ ,” Kevin whispered, “because you give me _so_ much, and I give you nothing,” 

“Yeah, well, you know I prefer topping,” Connor mumbled, still not looking back at him. 

“Con,” Kevin said softly, “I’m being serious,” 

He finally looked back up at him with a smile, “I don’t need to talk about what happened to me, love. I - I’ve come to terms with it and you - you give me more than you realise, Kev. I love you and you love me. And that’s all I need,” 

Kevin groaned, “It’s not though, is it? Because your life has changed just as much as mine since I ended up here! We don’t even _kiss._ And I worry that - I worry that you’re gonna leave me when this is all over because you can - you can probably find someone better and mentally stable and who has a job and a plan for the future outside of just _staying alive_ and-” 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Connor said, “and a plan to stay alive is so much better than a medical degree and working in a hospital. All I want is for you to stay alive, everything else is a bonus,” 

Kevin bit his lip and took a deep breath, falling silent as a nurse passed them. When she had turned the corner, Kevin picked up his hand again and squeezed his fingers. 

“Sure, everything else is a bonus but I - I want to prove to you that I - that I love you and that I appreciate you so I - I want to ask you a question,” 

“A...question,” Connor repeated. 

Kevin nodded, “Y-Yeah. I just - I wanted to ask - I wanted to ask if you, um...I wanted to ask if you wanted to - I mean, you don’t _have_ to but I feel like - I feel like you’ve really wanted to but I - you know, you gotta ask these things and I - I’ve been thinking about it for a few days and I - I _trust_ you and I - I would like to but I don’t just want to - I don’t want to just go for it and then for you to - for you to not want to because that’s - well, that’s wrong and I -” 

“Kevin,” Connor said quietly, “Whatever it is, you can ask me. I’m not gonna judge,” 

His face blushed bright red and he lowered his voice, “I wanted to ask if - if you, um,..” he took a deep breath and smiled awkwardly, “I wanted to ask if you, uh...I wanted to ask if I could - if I could kiss you,” 

Connor felt as though someone had punched him in the gut but in the best way. His eyes widened as he stared at Kevin, saying his ‘yes’ at a speed that might have been embarrassing if it weren’t for the fact that Kevin seemed so relieved to hear the answer. 

And suddenly, Connor was nineteen years old again and Elder Price’s face was closer to his than it ever had been and he wasn’t _entirely_ sure what he was meant to do but he hoped that he wasn’t going to do it wrong and that he would put Elder Price off ever wanting to kiss him again. 

Kevin’s lips brushed against his forehead and then his cheek before hovering above his lips, his eyes flickering up to meet his. For a fraction of a second, Connor thought he was going to pull away at the last moment before he felt Kevin’s lips awkwardly press against his. 

It was like he had never kissed anyone before; he didn’t move his lips and his arms hung stiffly at his sides even though somewhere at the back of his mind he was aware that he was meant to be holding Kevin in one way or another. 

Kevin giggled when he pulled away, resting his forehead on Connor’s shoulder and wrapping his arms around his waist, “that was more awkward than I wanted it to be,” 

“We can, uh...we can try again,” Connor said quietly, “if you...if you want,” 

When Kevin looked up at him again with the tiniest nod of his head, Connor decided that he should at least _try_ and look like he knew what he was doing. Because he _did_ know what he was doing, he reminded himself, because they had done _much_ worse than simply kiss. 

With an air of hesitance, Connor placed one hand on Kevin’s cheek and the other on the small of his back, tugging him closer to him. There was still an element of awkwardness, because Connor wasn’t _entirely_ sure how far was too far, but all he had wanted for weeks was to be able to kiss his boyfriend and he wasn’t going to complain just because it was a little awkward. 

“I’ve missed you,” Kevin whispered. 

“I’ve missed you, too,” Connor whispered, “but I feel like if I don’t go home soon then I’m actually going to get arrested for kidnapping you,” 

Kevin sighed and nodded, “Come and see me tomorrow?”

“Course,” Connor said, pressing a kiss to his cheek, “I’ll bring coffee,” 

He waited until Kevin had walked through the doors of the ward to start his mini celebration of squealing, jumping up and down and punching the air. 

“Um, sir, are you okay?” 

Connor turned around to find a nurse looking at him as if he’d grown another head. 

“My boyfriend just kissed me!” he exclaimed, all but skipping down the corridor, “Have a good night!" 

Chris and James was understandably angry when Connor burst into their bedroom at 2 AM to tell them that Kevin had kissed him, but they were polite enough to listen to him gushing about how very soft Kevin's lips were before they both threatened to smother him if he didn't leave them to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!! 
> 
> (take this happiness whilst is lasts lmao)


	12. Chapter 12

Connor felt alive again. 

The unbearable weight that had been forced upon his shoulders was lessening with every passing day. It shifted with every smile that Kevin flashed his way, every shout of laughter that rang around the hospital room, and every kiss they shared. 

And that was something that Connor was never going to grow tired of again. Kevin didn’t kiss for the sake of it, his kisses always said something, and Connor always heard. On the days when his brain was too loud and he couldn’t quite get the words out, the kisses did all the speaking for him;  _ I’ve missed you, thanks for the coffee, I love you, good night, sleep well.  _

Life wasn’t good or better, but it was  _ easier,  _ and Connor would take easy over the opposite. 

“Hello, my love,” Connor said, sliding open the door and balancing two cups of coffee, a bouquet of flowers and a package of Kevin’s favourite food from Arnold and Nabulungi in his arms, “Did you sleep well?” 

Kevin shrugged, not looking up from the diary that seemed to be glued to him these days. Connor sometimes found it frustrating, the way he seemed more interested in scribbling in there than anything that was happening around him. But it seemed to be helping him, and that was more important than Connor’s want to be the centre of his attention. 

“Nightmare?” Connor asked hesitantly, placing what was in his arms on the bedside table. 

“When don’t I?” Kevin asked, finally looking up at him and smiling, “Ooh, coffee!” 

“So now you pay attention to me,” 

Kevin rolled his eyes and leaned forward to gently peck his lips. 

“I was actually writing about you,” he said, patting the bed next to him, “About how I like how your hair smells,” 

Connor frowned as he sat next to him, “...thank-you?” 

Kevin giggled and rested his head on his shoulder, gently running his fingers up and down his newly cast-free arm. Connor found that he missed it; he had liked looking down to see the sweet message that Kevin had scrawled on it and had become reliant on tracing the letters to calm himself down when he felt anxious. Chris had jokingly suggested that he got it tattooed, and Connor hated that he didn’t completely hate the idea. 

“Jack came before,” Kevin said. 

“Yeah? He okay?” 

Kevin nodded against his shoulder, suddenly gripping at Connor’s forearm, “He said that our parents are really serious about seeing me again. They want to fly over,” 

Connor glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, not at all surprised to find him staring right back. Eye-contact had become their norm again, Kevin slowly learning to not be afraid of being seen. 

“Do you want that?” Connor asked. 

“I don’t know. Maybe,” 

Connor nodded slowly and looked away from him. Truthfully, he could not think of a worse idea. There were many things burned into his mind that he longed to forget: the way his fathers eye had twitched when he had finally admitted to being gay, the vein that had been popping in the Mission Presidents neck when he had screamed at them in Uganda, and the haunted look that did not leave Kevin’s eyes for weeks after he had tried to reconnect with his patients. 

Before David and the attempt and the psych ward, those few weeks after they had left Utah were the worst that they had been through together, and Connor was in no rush to go through them again. 

Kevin had not moved from his bed, and Connor had even had to go as far as feeding him and tilting his head back so he’d drink something. It had been the loneliest that Connor had ever felt, living with his shell of a boyfriend, and he couldn’t go through that again. 

More importantly, he didn’t think that Kevin could go through that again, didn’t even think that he would  _ survive  _ it again. 

“You think it’s a bad idea?” Kevin asked quietly. 

“I think it’s something you need to discuss with your brothers,” Connor said carefully, “and maybe your therapist. But whatever you decide, I’ll support you. I’ll be there if you see them again,” 

Kevin nodded, taking a long sip of his coffee and glancing up at him. 

“Thank-you for everything,” 

Connor smiled, pressing a kiss to the side of his head. 

“You don’t need to thank me for anything,” 

Kevin leaned up to kiss him again, this one a little longer and a little deeper than they had shared in weeks. Connor gently placed his hand on Kevin’s cheek as warmth spread through his entire body, pooling in his stomach in the same way that it had done when they had kissed for the very first time in Uganda. 

“Can we watch Golden Girls?” Kevin asked, always the first to pull away. 

Connor nodded, extracting his arm from where it squashed between them and putting it around Kevin’s shoulders. 

“You can. I think I’m gonna nap, Chris and James kept me up all last night. They were in a  _ very  _ good mood,” 

Kevin laughed as he pulled his laptop towards him, “Probably payback for all the times we’ve kept them awake,” 

“Yeah...” 

He had almost forgotten that they were like that once upon a time; incapable of keeping their hands off each other as soon as they were alone. He frowned, absentmindedly tracing circles into Kevin’s shoulder as he thought back to the sex life that they had once enjoyed. He wondered if they would ever be like that again, or if their sex life would devolve into Connor rushing himself off to the bathroom when his mind crept into that territory. 

Though as he thought back to it, he couldn’t help but wonder if Kevin had only ever agreed to have sex just because he felt like he had to. He had not - and would not - ever forget that day after they had ‘broken up’, and what Kevin had said to him; _“_ _C-Cause I think it’s all I’m good for! Sometimes I - I think that’s all you want f-from me because that’s what he wanted from me and he - he got it so I - I don’t know! I don’t know!”_ The wretched and twisted look on his face as he had sobbed those words out had been nothing short of disturbing, and Connor felt like he should add it to the list of the moments burned into his retinas. 

“Kev,” Connor said quietly, “You - You like having sex with me, don’t you?” 

Kevin tensed, slowly turning to look at him, “I don’t...I don’t want to have sex with you at the-” 

“No!” Connor said hurriedly, “That’s not - I didn’t mean that. I’m not asking you to -  _ no.  _ I just meant be-before. You liked having sex with me, didn’t you?” 

“Uh, I - yeah. Of course I did. Why?” 

Connor shook his head, slumping against the pillows, “Never wanted you to feel like...like you had to,” 

“You’ve never - You’ve never forced me into it,” Kevin said quietly, “If that’s what you’re worried about,” 

Connor looked at him, took note of the way that he was biting at his bottom lip and had curled his hands into tight fists. 

“Sorry,” he whispered, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. We don’t need to talk about,” 

“I don’t - I don’t want you to feel bad,” Kevin mumbled, “about - about anything like that. You were never like that. You’re always good to me. I told you, I was thinking about you because you - you make me feel safe,” 

Connor nodded and kissed his cheek, unable to shift that horrible feeling that maybe he hadn’t always been as good to Kevin as he should have been. Kevin watched him for a moment before he carefully placed his laptop on Connor’s legs and rested with his head on his stomach.

Easier, not better. 

* * *

The last time that Connor had had over 20 missed calls off someone during a show was just before the worst few weeks of his life began, so coming off stage to 35 missed calls off Kevin that were then not returned as he rushed to the hospital filled him with nothing but dread. 

It must have been David. David must have somehow gotten to him. Connor’s blood ran cold as he imagined Kevin trapped alone in his room with David looming over him. What if he had wanted revenge for Connor’s actions? What if it happened  _ again,  _ and it was all his fault? 

He skidded onto the ward, completely ignoring the funny looks he got from both patients and staff as he rushed to Kevin’s room. He wrenched the door open, wondering how unhealthy it was to break the same bone twice in a matter of weeks. 

“ _ Get away from _ \- oh,” 

Isaac and Doctor Daniels looked up at him with a frown, Kevin giving him the same bemused look he used to when he was drunk and trying to convince him to sing karaoke with him. 

“Sorry. I had loads of missed calls off Kevin and then he - he didn’t call back so I thought that - I don’t know. I don’t know what I thought,” 

Doctor Daniels finally stopped frowning to look over at Kevin. 

“You tell him,” 

“Tell me what?” Connor asked anxiously. 

Kevin held his hands out to him, and Connor hastened to take them, sitting beside him on the bed. He searched his face, trying to get some idea of what was happening; the bags underneath his eyes were as deep as ever and told him nothing, but his eyes were bloodshot, like he had been crying. Connor’s heart dropped to his stomach; it must have been bad news. Perhaps he was being moved to one of those stricter psych wards, the one where there were no visitors allowed - like The Ranch that Dr Phil sent everyone to. Or maybe the police had turned up at Isaacs door, and they were both in a whole heap of trouble. Connor did not think that he would last long in prison. He hated the thought of sharing a bathroom with that many people, and didn’t think that anyone would appreciate his unfortunate habit of performing a one man musical at 3 AM every morning. 

“I’m getting discharged next week,” 

Connor blinked at him, his eyes flickering over to Doctor Daniels and then back at Kevin. 

“I don’t get it,” 

Doctor Daniels cleared his throat, “We’re releasing him from the hospital. He can go home. He’s made incredible progress,” 

“For - For like a day?” 

“For good,” Doctor Daniels said gently. 

Kevin squeezed Connor’s hands, “That’s a - That’s a good thing. I’m going home. With you,” 

“Home?” Connor whispered, “For real?” 

Kevin laughed and nodded, “For real,” 

Connor had never liked to cry in front of Kevin (or indeed anyone), but he couldn’t help himself. Heat prickled across his face as his chest tightened and his vision blurred. He launched himself at his boyfriend, openly sobbing into his shoulder. 

“This is - This is good, right? You’re crying cause you’re happy, aren’t you?” 

“It’s s-so good,” Connor sobbed, hands gripping at the back of Kevin’s shirt, “S-so good. The - The best,” 

Kevin laughed quietly in his ear, his hands running up and down his back as Connor’s mind raced ahead of itself. He could picture it perfectly, their old life; Kevin waiting for him at the theatre so they could have a late night date, the days where they would do nothing but cuddle on the sofa and fantasise about all the things they would be able to do one day. He even allowed himself to imagine the things that they could do sooner, like go to the beach like Kevin had said he wanted to, maybe even in a different country, a  _ warmer  _ country, as long as Connor had enough sunscreen to last the whole trip and a little longer after that. 

And maybe, if the stars finally aligned for them, he could finally drop down onto one knee in front of Kevin...

“I’ll leave you three alone,” Doctor Daniels said quietly, “let you celebrate,” 

It took Connor a while to sit up again, hastily wiping his eyes and mumbling an apology for being overdramatic. He still didn’t let go of Kevin, still planning all the date nights they could finally go on again and revelling in the fact that soon when he woke up in the morning, Kevin would be right  _ there  _ and he wouldn’t have to leave the apartment just to see his boyfriend. Before he could get overly-excited about having breakfast in bed, Isaac spoke. 

“Does that mean we can talk about it now?”

Connor looked between him and Kevin, “Talk about what?” 

“How he’s going to pay for all this,” 

Connor looked back at Kevin, disturbed by the sudden change in his expression. 

“I thought you’d already talked about it,” he said carefully. 

“Oh, so do you two talk about me behind back all the time?” Kevin asked, an impatient note in his voice. 

“Kev,” Isaac said, “It’s not Connor’s fault, don’t take it out on him. He told me that it was a bad idea to ask you,” 

“So  _ why  _ do you keep on bringing it up when I keep on telling you no?” 

Connor lifted Kevin’s hands to his lips, placing gentle kisses to his knuckles. It was obvious his anxiety had spiked; his body had gone rigid and the little colour he had had drained from his face. 

“Because you can’t afford it and I don’t want to let my little brother go into debt!” 

“But you were okay with me being suicidal, weren’t you!” Kevin snapped, “I haven’t forgotten how you sat there and said  _ nothing  _ when dad told me it was my fault! If we didn’t live in the same city, you’d probably have said the same thing about David!” 

Isaac’s face was red and blotchy, tears streaming thick and fast down his cheeks. He and Kevin had never looked so alike. 

“Do you know how  _ guilty  _ I feel?” Isaac whispered, “It eats me up inside every dang day, and I-” 

“Imagine how I feel,” Kevin muttered. 

“Kev,” Connor said quietly, “It might - It might not be so terrible. You don’t have a job, you have no insurance-” 

“No,” Kevin said firmly, “I’m not leeching off him,” 

“It’s not leeching!” Isaac exclaimed, “ _ Please  _ let me help you. It’ll make no difference to my bank account! I just want to-” 

“No.” Kevin repeated, “No. It’s not happening,” 

Isaac seemed to accept defeat much quicker than Connor had expected him to, or maybe he was just relying on Connor to convince Kevin to not put himself in thousands of dollars of debt out of principal. He brushed his fingers through Kevin’s hair as he passed him, promising to call him later. 

Connor waited for the door to shut behind Isaac before he spoke again. Kevin was staring up at the ceiling, a muscle twitching in his jaw. 

“Talk to me,” he said gently, “Why do you hate the idea so much?” 

“ _ Because _ ,” Kevin mumbled, “I’m not a complete failure. I can pay my own bills,” 

“But you can’t, love,” Connor whispered, “and I can’t pay for you either because you know I would. In a heartbeat. Relying on Isaac doesn’t make you weak,” 

“No,” 

“He wants to help you, I don’t see the-” 

“Why does no one ever understand me when I tell them no?” 

Connor closed his eyes, forcing himself to take deep breaths that shook as Kevin wiggled his hands out of his grip. 

“It’s not like that, Kevin,” he whispered, “We’re just - we’re trying to help-” 

“You promised me that you’d always understand me when I said no,” 

Connor finally found it in himself to look at his boyfriend. He wasn’t crying, and that was somehow worse. Kevin’s blank eyes were always worse than his tearful ones. 

“Okay,” he said, “Okay, I - I understand you. You don’t have to do anything,” 

Kevin folded his arms over his stomach and drew his knees up to his chest in a way that Connor understood meant he was closing off against the world and wanted to be alone. He slowly stood up from the bed, leaning towards Kevin for a kiss, but he turned his head from him. Connor pressed his lips together and stood up, awkwardly smoothing his t-shirt down, silently willing Kevin to speak even though he knew he wouldn’t.

“I’m gonna go,” he said, “but...text me. Or Facetime me before you go to sleep,” 

Kevin still didn’t say anything to him, so Connor resigned himself to the fact that it was just one of those days. He left with a whispered good-bye, slowly closing the door behind him just in case Kevin had needed time to speak. He didn’t. 

“Connor?” 

The sound of Doctor Daniel’s voice was very rarely welcome on the bad days, but Connor had never managed to find it in himself to turn around and tell him to fuck off. 

“Everything okay?” he asked, “I saw his brother leave quickly,” 

“Just his medical bills,” Connor said, “I think we’re gonna struggle,” 

Daniels gave him a sympathetic smile, “I’ve been a Doctor 5 years and I still struggle to help people with financial aspect of it,” 

“It’s fine,” Connor said, already trying to work out how he could fit a second job around his schedule, “We’ll work something out, we usually do,” 

“And what about therapy?” he asked, “have you looked into it?” 

“Um...no. I’ve been more focused on Kevin and getting used to being back in work,”

“I really think you’d benefit from it,” 

With a promise to enquire with a few therapists at the very least, Connor thanked him and quickly left the hospital before he did something stupid like walk straight back into Kevin’s room. He wanted to be alone, and Connor had to respect that. 

He called out of the evening show, told Chris and James that he wanted to be alone and climbed into bed, relying on old episodes of  _ Glee  _ to perk up his mood. It didn’t. If anything, it just depressed him more because somehow, Ryan Murphy hadn’t been tried for war crimes. 

Just as he was dozing off to an awfully auto-tuned group number, his Netflix paused as the notification ‘ _ Kevin would like to Facetime...’  _ popped up on his screen. 

He answered embarrassingly quickly, smiling as Kevin appeared on his screen. He was lying on his side, and it was almost like they were lying side by side. 

“Hey,” Connor said, “You okay?” 

Kevin nodded, rubbing his eyes, “Yeah. Tired,” 

“Go to sleep then. It’s late,” 

He glanced over his shoulder before he said anything, like he was worried about someone walking in. He couldn’t tell if it was his paranoia or him not wanting anyone to hear their conversation. 

“Wanted to talk to you first,” Kevin mumbled, “And say sorry,” 

Connor frowned, reaching across his bed to get his earphones. He didn’t think Kevin would want Chris and James to hear whatever it was he was going to apologise for. 

“Say sorry?” 

“For getting mad at you,” Kevin said, and Connor couldn’t help but shiver; the earphones made him feel closer, like he really was lay next to him, “And saying that - saying that thing about saying no,” 

“It’s fine,” Connor said hurriedly, “It doesn’t matter,” 

“No but it - it does! Because I made it sound like you’re like  _ them  _ and don’t listen to me when I say no but I - I know that you’re not like that! So I’m - I’m sorry,” 

“It’s okay,” Connor said quietly, “I don’t mind, honestly. I know you didn't mean it like that,” 

Kevin smiled at him, stifling a yawn, “I can’t wait to come home,” 

“Yeah, me neither,” Connor said, “We can start again,” 

“Yeah,” Kevin whispered. He glanced over his shoulder again, his cheeks turning pink, “Can we - Can we sleep like this?” 

Connor smiled and nodded, shuffling closer to the laptop and trying to pretend the heat radiating from it was coming from Kevin, “I miss sleeping next to you,” 

“Me too,” Kevin mumbled, “Don’t take any pictures of me though, or I’ll never speak to you again,” 

As much as he would have liked to, Connor didn’t take any pictures of Kevin as he fell asleep. He just watched as his eyes turned heavy and his head sunk into the pillow, his cheek squished against his arm. 

Not good or better; _easier._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol I know this fic was MIA for a hot sec but WE BACK 
> 
> I'm really excited about where this is fic is going sooo I'm not giving up, I swear!!! :))
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	13. Chapter 13

Suddenly, Chris was the expert on what to do when someone was coming home from a long stay in a psych ward. Connor had off-handedly mentioned to him that he was not sure how he was meant to help Kevin settle in, and before Connor had agreed to anything, Chris was talking about how best to redecorate the apartment.

Isaac and James were tasked with shuffling the furniture around in their apartment (“because it should feel like a new place for  _ both _ of you,”) and Nabulungi was trusted to make it look pretty with fairy lights and new plants that had bizarre names, because Kevin having some responsibility was the best thing for him (apparently). Connor was more concerned with Kevin keeping _ himself _ alive rather than some plant, but kept that thought to himself because Isaac had already cried five times and he didn’t want to keep on trying to console his boyfriend's brother. 

Poor Jack had been stuck with the worst job; Chris had him scrubbing the bathroom within an inch of its life and had rushed off to buy some paint. Even Connor could admit that if any room in the apartment needed to look completely different, it was the bathroom.

The only person who did not seem to be much help was Arnold. He leant against the back of the sofa, facing the bathroom with an odd look on his face that Connor couldn't quite describe. He sidled up to him and bumped their hips together. He kept his voice down, wary of Jack being only metres away and unaware of the fact that he was standing in the exact place where Kevin had tried to kill himself. 

“What’s on your mind, bud?” 

Arnold glanced up at him and shrugged, looking as defeated as he always did; his skin was pallid and his usually bouncy hair looked as though it was wilting. Connor wasn’t sure he would ever get used to him looking like that. 

“Kevin?” Connor asked quietly. 

He looked back at the floor, twisting the bottom of his t-shirt up into his hands. It was a t-shirt that Kevin also owned because for a reason that Connor had yet to understand, they found going out in matching outfits the very height of comedy. 

“He was right there,” he mumbled, “I walked in and I - I just saw his hand sticking out the door and I kept on - I kept on calling his name but he wouldn't move,” 

Connor said nothing, partly because he didn’t know what to say. If there was one thing that he was allowing himself to be selfish about, it was that he had not been the one to find Kevin. He couldn’t imagine that he would have been much help. 

“Why’s it always gotta be him? What’s he done wrong? I don’t - I don’t get it!” 

“I don’t know,” Connor said, looking back over at the bathroom. Jack was sitting on the toilet seat and half-heartedly wiping a washcloth over the sink. He looked like Kevin whenever Connor used to ask him to do chores in Uganda. 

“I just - I keep on thinking that he’s going to try and do it again,” Arnold whispered, “and then - and then what?” 

“Well, I - I bought a safe,” Connor said, pointing over to where it sat next to the toaster on the kitchen counter, “that I’m gonna put his meds in, and I’ll take them out for him when he needs them. Only I know the passcode,” 

Arnold glanced over at the doors of the balcony, and Connor knew what he was thinking. 

“I have to trust him,” Connor said, “or else he’ll never get better. I can’t make him a prisoner in his own apartment,” 

“Yeah...I guess...” Arnold mumbled, “have you convinced him to let Isaac pay yet?” 

“Have I convinced the most stubborn person in the world to do something he doesn’t want to do?” Connor asked with a scoff, “No. I - I’m gonna get another job. I’ll work around the show until he feels ready to get back on his feet. I’m gonna go see my old manager, see if I can get my old job back. I worked there before Uganda and then for a while when I was at college..”

Arnold nodded and looked back over at the bathroom, obviously not having heard anything that was just said. Connor watched him carefully, half expecting some sort of breakdown and hoping that Nabulungi would take over if he suddenly started sobbing. 

“You don’t need to be here,” Connor said, “Go and see him. He’s probably bored,” 

Arnold finally cracked a smile, nudging him with his elbow, “You’ve never stopped being our district leader,” 

“I don’t yell at you to do chores anymore,” 

“I know,” Arnold laughed, “but you’re always looking out for us. Do you ever take time to think about yourself?” 

Connor would have replied if Isaac didn’t suddenly burst into tears and drop the bookcase he was moving right on top of James’ foot. 

* * *

  
  


The bell tinkled as Connor pushed the door of Bluebell Books open, the musty smell and dim lighting transporting him back to being eighteen and having panic attack after panic attack in the bathroom in the hours before his next therapy session. He pushed those thoughts away, instead focusing on the happier memories, like when he had gotten the call about Les Mis and Kevin had surprised him at the end of the day with a bouquet of flowers and a date at a fancy restaurant where he had bragged to all the waiters about how his boyfriend was going to be on Broadway. He had felt on top of the world. He couldn’t imagine feeling that way anymore. 

He slowly walked through the narrow bookshelves, ducking around the annoying hipster customers who always asked him for obscure books that he worried contained dark magic. 

“Connor?” 

He turned at the sound of his name, his old manager emerging from the back. 

“Hey, Caroline,” he said, stumbling a little when she enveloped him in a hug. 

“It’s been too long! Where’ve you been?” 

“Busy,” he mumbled, “I know I said I’d come visit but something always got in the way,” 

She rolled her eyes, “Guessing you’re here for Kevin? You know where the science books are,“

“Uh, sort of,” Connor said, “but not for a book. I need a job,” 

Caroline frowned at him, “What? What happened to Broadway?” 

“Nothing,” Connor said, “I’m still - I’m still doing it, I just need another job,” 

Her eyes narrowed, and Connor was once again struck with how terrible he was at lying despite his job. She put her arm around him and tugged him into the back room. He shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other, wary of looking like he was on the verge of a breakdown (even if he was). 

“Medical bills,” he said in response to her questioning look, “And it’ll - it’ll be a lot so...” 

“Don’t you have insurance?” 

“It’s not for me,” Connor said, looking anywhere but her face, “Kevin, um...Kevin tried to - tried to kill himself so he was - was in the ER and then he was in the ICU and he’s coming home from the psych ward tomorrow...” he trailed off in the hopes that he sounded flippant about the whole thing. 

“How on _ Earth  _ do you think you’re going to be able to work here and do eight shows a week?”

“I’ll do the early shift before matinees and on Wednesdays we have a three thirty show so I can work before and after if I have to! And there’s no show on Monday!  _ Please _ ,” he added in a whisper, “He can’t work yet and I - I want to lift the burden for him a little...” 

She fixed him with a fierce glare that was not unlike the one that his mother used to give him. His shoulders sagged, wondering how often he would be hate-crimed if he worked somewhere like a warehouse or a construction site. 

“I’ll get a job somewhere else, it’s-” 

"No,” she said firmly, “You can work here so I can keep an eye on you. But you need to think about yourself, not just Kevin,” 

Connor promised her that he was thinking about himself before rushing off to see Kevin, even though what he really wanted was to go and join the rest of the cast for their weekly brunch get together before the evening show. 

He was in a foul mood when Connor got to the psych ward, but he couldn’t help but find it hilarious. He sat opposite Connor on the sofa and glowered down into his cup of green tea, muttering angrily under his breath. It was a nice change to see him upset about something trivial, rather than something potentially life ruining. Though with the way he was acting, it was easy to think it  _ was  _ life ruining. 

“It’s not funny, Con!” 

“I’m sorry, love,” Connor snickered, “but it - it is a little bit,” 

Kevin groaned and thrust the mug into Connor’s hands, “Drink it. Tell me it doesn’t taste like mud,” 

Connor took a sip with the intention to assure Kevin that green tea was just as nice, but gagged as soon as it passed his lips. Kevin threw his hands in the air and flopped forwards, his forehead resting on Connor’s shoulder. 

“Have I not suffered enough without them taking coffee from me?” 

Connor snorted and pressed a kiss to his temple, “You still get coffee, just one a day,” 

“One  _ decaf  _ coffee a day!” Kevin exclaimed. 

“But it’s for anxiety management, right?” Connor said, nudging Kevin until he sat up again, “cause caffeine has...uh...caffeine messes with  _ something  _ and that  _ something  _ makes your, um - uh...makes your anxiety, uh...” he trailed off and glared at Kevin as he started laughing, “Shut up!” 

“I’m sorry, Doctor McKinley,” Kevin snorted, “Please explain to me exactly how caffeine affects anxiety,” 

“Just because you understand things like DNA doesn’t mean the rest of us do...” Connor grumbled. 

Kevin’s face fell, “You don’t know what DNA is? Babe, that’s simple biology,” 

Connor shrugged, “I’m the pretty one, you’re the smart one,” 

Kevin giggled and turned around, laying on his back with his head in Connor’s lap, giving him the opportunity to really stare at him; there was colour in his cheeks that were pulled high in a goofy grin, the loose curls of his hair hanging low on his eyes. Connor gently brushed his fringe back to get a better look at his eyes, marvelling at the way they were bright and shiny and  _ alive.  _

“You are the pretty one,” Kevin sighed. 

“Your hair makes you look like a Disney princ-” 

Kevin reached up and slapped a hand over Connor’s mouth, “Take the compliment. Whenever I try to compliment you, you turn it back on me,” 

Connor smiled and put his hand over Kevin’s and dragged it away from his mouth. Kevin’s grip tightened on his hand as Connor tried to let go, and held their joined hands to his lips, brushing his lips across Connor’s knuckles. 

“One more sleep,” Kevin whispered, “what time will you get here tomorrow?” 

“As early as I can. 10 AM at the latest,” Connor whispered, free hand carding through his hair, I called out of the show the next three days and I don’t start at Bluebell’s again till Mond-” 

“What?” Kevin asked with a frown, “You’re - You’re working at the bookshop again?” 

“Whilst you get back on your feet,” Connor said, “I’m gonna work around the show and we can use the extra money for your medical bills and anything else we need,” 

Kevin’s eyes flickered away from his face and to the ceiling, the grip on his hand loosening. Connor tried not to take it too hard. 

* * *

“What are you going to do with it?” 

Connor started at the sound of Chris’ voice, snapping the ring box shut and hiding it behind his back like it was something embarrassing. And it  _ was  _ embarrassing. It was almost impossible to believe that whilst Kevin had been planning the end of his life, Connor had been thinking about their future. 

“Not give him it. Not yet, anyway,” Connor muttered, turning his back under the pretence of making sure that the bedroom was empty, “Or ever,” 

“You’ll get to,”

Connor shrugged, slipping the box into his jeans. It sat heavy in his back pocket, like it was mocking him about the fact that he had spent the morning picking out the nicest outfit to wear for picking his boyfriend up from a psych ward, rather than the best outfit for his bachelor party. They would probably have a joint one, planned by Chris and Arnold. He would, at the very least, be able to avoid a monster hangover.

The journey to the hospital was a lonely one, but it always was. Somehow, it felt worse than usual; perhaps it was the ring in his pocket, or the fact that it didn’t feel final. 

The previous night’s Facetime had not been in good spirits, but Kevin was rarely in a good mood when faced with another night of sleeping alone. It was their morning Facetime that had disturbed Connor; Kevin had not answered the call with his usual bright ‘ _ hiiii!’  _ that had made a reappearance over the last week, and had given very blunt, one word answers that made Connor feel like he was inconveniencing him by trying to have a conversation. 

It probably didn’t mean anything. He was probably tired, his new caffeine-free lifestyle had not left him in the greatest of moods, but Connor couldn’t help but feel like he didn’t want to go home. More importantly, he didn’t feel like Kevin wanted to go home with  _ him.  _

He pinned his hope on feeling better as soon as he saw Kevin, but when he opened the door to his room, he was still in his pyjamas and his bag remained unpacked. 

“Hi,” Connor said quietly, “Are you -” he stopped himself from asking if he was ready, because he very obviously was not, “Are you - Are you gonna pack?” 

Kevin looked up at him, blinking slowly and Connor wondered for a moment if he had forgotten he was getting discharged. 

“Do you want me to?” 

Connor frowned and took another step into the room, sliding the door shut behind him. Kevin drew his knees to his chest and rested his chin on top of them, hands furling and unfurling in the fabric of his sweats. 

“Of course I want you to,” Connor said carefully, “Why wouldn’t I?” 

Kevin leant over the bed and picked up his diary, flicking to a page near the beginning and holding it out to him. Connor took it hesitantly, eyes flickering down to the erratic handwriting. It took him a moment to decipher what it actually said. 

‘ _ Connor came yesterday. Apparently, I broke up with him. Then he kissed someone who wasn’t me. He said he still loves me. I don’t know why. That guy probably doesn’t cry all the time. And he can actually kiss him. I don’t want to kiss anyone ever again. I’d be mad about that if I was Connor’  _

“I forgot about that,” Kevin mumbled, “You kissing that man. So if you want to leave me-” 

“I don’t,” Connor said, dropping the book onto Kevin’s bed, “I’ve not thought about that man in ages. I was drunk and tired and - and the entire time I was thinking about  _ you  _ and how he was a terrible kisser in comparison,” 

The words did not have the desired effect. Kevin sniffled slightly as he pulled his laptop towards Connor. With a frown, Connor glanced at it; it was showing Google Maps, the search bar reading  _ New York homeless shelters.  _

“Kev,” Connor whispered, closing the laptop because he couldn’t bear looking at it, “What are you - why are you looking at homeless shelters?” 

“Because I wouldn’t want to live with me,” Kevin muttered, “and I - Arnold came the other day and he looked so  _ sad  _ and I - I know it’s my fault! I think I should just - just leave you all alone because I just make everyone sad and depressed all the time and I-” 

“Hey,” Connor said softly, sitting beside him, “No one wants you to live in a homeless shelter, Kevin. Arnold doesn’t, and I  _ certainly  _ don’t,” 

“But everyone just looks so  _ sad  _ and I - I don’t want anyone to be like me,” he whispered, tears sparkling in his eyes, “And I don’t want  _ you  _ to be like me,” 

“We’re all gonna feel a lot better when you’re home,” Connor whispered, “I couldn’t sleep last night, I was too excited to come and get you,” 

Kevin’s bottom lip trembled as he slowly let go of his knees, shuffling closer to Connor and gently resting his head on his shoulder. Connor sighed and curled his arm around his waist, squeezing ever so slightly. 

“Shall we pack?” Connor asked, “for  _ home.  _ Not a - Not a homeless shelter,” 

“Yeah,” Kevin whispered, “for home,” 

Kevin packed slowly, and Connor tried not to rush him. It was like watching him back when he was in Uganda; he had laid out every single one of his ties and spent a good minute rolling each of them up before he placed them in his suitcase. Then he did the same with his underwear and his socks and his shirts and his trousers, and that was before he had started on his non-missionary clothes. How Connor’s patience for him over those two days hadn’t been a sign that he was embarrassingly in love, he wasn’t entirely sure. 

He watched as Kevin sat cross legged in the middle off the bed, carefully slipping his laptop case into the bag only to take it out seconds later to put the textbooks that had remained untouched in first. 

It was almost an hour before Kevin finally zipped his bag up and turned to the clothes that he had laid out. He fiddled with the bottom of his t-shirt for a moment before his eyes flickered over to Connor, who immediately moved to stand up from the sofa. 

“Do you want me to-” 

Kevin shook his head, “No. It’s fine. You can - You can look,” 

Connor nodded, still feeling like he absolutely could  _ not  _ look. He dared a glance over at him; heart lifting when he saw that he had definitely put more weight on, and his hips were clear of any bruises. Kevin caught his eye, giving him a shy smile that sent the butterflies in his stomach in a whirl. 

“Remember the first time you saw me naked?”

Connor snorted and nodded, “I forgot to knock on your door,” 

“And then you screamed in my face,” Kevin said, his voice slightly muffled as he pulled a clean t-shirt over his head. 

“I panicked,” Connor mumbled. 

“You wouldn’t look me in the eye for three days,” 

Connor scowled at him, “You weren’t exactly Casanova when you saw  _ me  _ naked for the first time,” 

Kevin giggled as he pulled on a pair of socks, “I didn’t realise you were freckly  _ everywhere,”  _

“I have  _ one  _ freckle on my dick,” 

“It’s still funny,” 

Connor shook his head as Kevin pulled on his shoes. Their first time had been their first night in New York together and had not been anything like it was in the movies; Connor had gotten tangled in his t-shirt, Kevin had accidentally kneed him in the groin trying to straddle him and when Connor had finally gotten over the embarrassment of someone seeing him naked and pulled his trousers down, Kevin had erupted into a fit of a giggles at the sight of the one lone freckle on his penis. At the time, Connor had been slightly offended, now he thought it was sweet. 

“Alright,” Kevin whispered, “I’m ready...”

“You sure?” Connor asked, leaping to his feet, “Got everything you need?” 

Kevin nodded, “Yeah. Yeah, I’m ready,” 

Connor smiled at him and held his hand out, grateful when Kevin actually took it. He was silent as he signed his discharge papers and barely looked up as he whispered his thanks to Doctor Daniels and Louisa. Connor had intended to give a whole speech about how very thankful he was for what they had done for both of them, but found that he didn't have the words as he stared at them both. 

“I know,” Louisa whispered, squeezing his arm, “Have a safe journey home,” 

Kevin was silent on the train. He sat with his knees turned towards Connor, head bowed and hands gripping onto his tightly. Connor did not try to force him into conversation, just rested his head against Kevin’s and tried not to think about the possible ramifications of Kevin once again living in the same space where he had tried to kill himself. 

The silence stretched into the walk from the station to their apartment, and Connor did his very best to hide the way his hands shook as he unlocked the door and ignore how Kevin was practically hiding behind him like something was going to jump out at him once the door opened. 

Connor watched him carefully as he walked into the apartment, his eyes feverishly flicking around the living room as he placed his bag on the floor. His eyes paused on the bathroom door for a moment before he turned his back to it. 

“It looks different. The sofa didn’t used to be there,” 

“I know,” Connor said, placing a gentle kiss to his cheek, “Chris came over and decided that shuffling everything around would be good for us both. Like a new start. Do you - Do you not like it? I can probably change it back if you-” 

“No,” Kevin said quickly, “No, Chris is right. It is like a new start. I like it,” 

Connor smiled at him and picked his bag up off the floor, rifling through it until he found his Nintendo and his laptop. He dropped them onto the couch, whispering that he’d be back in a second, he was just going to unpack. 

He tutted when he opened the door of their bedroom; Chris had bought two tacky heart shaped pillows and placed them on either side of the bed, leant against two pillows that read ‘ _ his’  _ on them. Glaring at the pillows like they had personally offended him, Connor shoved all of Kevin’s clothes into the laundry hamper and shoved the bag to the very back of their closet, hoping to never have to back it for a hospital trip again. 

When he walked back into the living room, he had been expecting to find Kevin sat on the sofa, but he was still standing in the exact same place that he had been when Connor had left, staring blankly ahead of him. 

“Hey,” Connor whispered, putting his hand on the small of his back, “I got you a present,” 

Kevin turned to him, his eyebrows furrowed, “A present?” 

Connor nodded and grabbed a gift bag off the coffee table, “Something to - to keep your mind busy, I guess. Like when I’m...not here,” 

Kevin silently took the gift bag off him and glanced into it, pulling the book out with an unreadable expression on his face. 

“ _ Tell Me Where it Hurts”  _ he read out loud, “Uh-” 

“It was written by a vet,” Connor explained quickly, “I got it from the shop. There were no books on working in paediatrics and I thought you were probably fed up with hospitals so I thought that would be the next best thing. Plus, animals are just like furry babies, aren’t they? So...” he trailed off, “If you don’t like it, I won’t get offended, I-” 

“No, I do,” Kevin said hurriedly, “I do. Thank-you,” 

He took a hesitant step towards Connor and pressed a slightly awkward kiss to his lips, one hand hovering over his cheek as though he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to touch or not. He pulled back with a hesitant smile and cleared his throat. 

“I’m gonna - I’m gonna connect my Switch back to the television and play Animal Crossing,” he said, “that okay?” 

Connor kissed his cheek, mumbling something about getting them snacks. As he stepped into the kitchen he realised, with a jolt, that he still had the engagement ring with him. Wary of Kevin being only metres away from him, he tugged it out of his pocket and flipped the box open. He didn’t even know if Kevin liked gold. 

“Hey, can we order sushi late - what are you doing?” 

He jumped and dropped the box into the breadbin, slamming it shut and turning around to face him with what he hoped was an innocent smile. 

“Sushi sounds fun,” 

Kevin narrowed his eyes at him, “Why were just staring into the bread bin?” 

“Making sure we had enough for toast in the morning,” Connor lied, “We, uh...We do,” 

“I don’t eat bread anymore, remember? Makes me feel icky,” 

“Oh yeah,” Connor said, forcing a laugh, “Ah well. There’s - There’s enough anyway but - but sushi sounds fun...”

Kevin gave him another funny look before he walked back over to the sofa. Conor let out a sigh of relief that was thankfully hidden beneath the sound of the Animal Crossing music beginning to play. If he could live through his boyfriend’s suicide attempt, he could live through hiding an engagement ring from him. 

“Connor? Can you - Can you come cuddle?” 

Dropping a tea towel over the bread bin as though that would make Kevin forget that it was there, Connor flopped down onto the sofa beside Kevin and held his arms out to him. Kevin watched him for a moment before he dropped a cushion onto Connor’s lap and rested his head against it, sighing in a way that Connor hoped was happy. 

“Ew,” Kevin muttered, looking over at the television screen, “Look at how overgrown my island is. So many weeds,” 

Connor tore his eyes from Kevin’s face to look at the television and nodded, “Yep...terrible,” 

Kevin giggled as his little character rushed around on the screen, “It’s so funny when you try and sound like you know what I’m talking about,” 

Connor rolled his eyes and entertained himself by playing with Kevin’s hair as he gave him a running commentary about what was doing. His hair was the longest that Connor had ever seen it and he was quite sure that he’d be able to pull it back in a bun if he wanted to.  _ Connor  _ wanted him to, but had a feeling that Kevin would want to get it cut as soon as possible. 

“I love your hair,” Connor said when Kevin had saved his game and turned the console off, “You sort of look like Flynn Ryder,” 

Kevin rolled over onto his side, pressing his face against Connor’s stomach in what appeared to be embarrassment. Connor couldn’t help but smirk. It felt as though they had gone back in time to when would blush at every compliment that Connor sent his way. It was only when Connor noticed that he had stiffened against him that he realised it was perhaps not the case. 

“Kev?” Connor whispered, “Sorry, have I - did I say the wrong thing?” 

“Not you,” Kevin mumbled, “David kept on touching my hair...said it was nice...” 

At once, Connor moved his hand but Kevin reached up to grab it again. 

“N-No,” he said, “No. I like it when you play with my hair. He’s not - He isn’t going to ruin that for me,” 

“Are you sure? I don’t want to upset you or - or make you uncomfortable,” 

Kevin responded by pushing his head against Connor’s hand, “Yeah. He’s not ruining that for me.” 

The rest of the day was a quiet one; Kevin almost immediately fell asleep when Connor began playing with his hair again. Connor found that he couldn’t sleep, scared of Kevin being unable to wake him if he awoke from a nightmare, so instead leant into the peacefulness of the sounds of the city and the knowledge that the next morning, Kevin would still be there. 

When Kevin awoke, it was with a grumble about how hungry he was. Connor snorted as he slowly sat up, rubbing his eyes and brushing the hair out of his face. 

“I’ll order sushi. Your usual?” 

Kevin nodded, “I’m going to the bathroom,” 

Connor tensed, flinching when he heard the door shut behind Kevin. He jigged his knee up and down as he tried to focus on the usually simple task of ordering them food, but ten minutes had passed and Kevin still hadn’t come back out. There had been no thud, no sound of Kevin falling to the floor, but that meant nothing. He was  _ smart _ , he’d probably be able to work around that. Besides, if pills didn’t work the first time, he’d probably try a different way, a way that would- 

“Con! Can you - Can you come help?” 

Assuming the worst - and he wasn’t even sure what the  _ worst  _ was anymore - Connor jumped to his feet and rushed over to the bathroom, almost kicking the door down. Kevin stood in front of the mirror, one hand holding his hair up, and the other struggling to pick a hair tie off the sink. 

“Don’t laugh,” he said hurriedly, “but my - my hair is too long. It keeps on getting in my face,” 

“You - You can’t tie your own hair up?” 

Kevin scowled at him, “When have I ever had to tie anyone's hair up? Can you please help?” 

Connor nodded silently, picking the hair tie up and trying his very best not to think about how men with hair long enough to put in a bun had always been his type. Kevin smiled at him gratefully through the mirror and let go of his hair, wrinkling his nose as it brushed against the top of his neck. 

“I hate the feeling of things on my neck,” he mumbled. 

It turned out that Connor was just as bad as tying up hair. Five failed attempts and a YouTube tutorial later, he finally managed to pull the hair through the hair tie in some sort of bun. There were still bits hanging around Kevin’s face and falling out at the back, but Connor had never seen someone so incredibly attractive in his life. 

He hesitantly slipped his arms around Kevin’s waist and rested his chin on the top of his head, smiling when Kevin leaned back against him and gripped onto Connor’s hand. For the first time in a long time, Connor saw them both, as they should be. Kevin was smiling and he realised, with a jolt, that he was too. 

“Do I look stupid?” Kevin asked quietly, “Should I get it cut?”

“No,” Connor said, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. His hair smelled of the ridiculously expensive shampoo that he insisted on using and that smell alone was enough to fill Connor with warmth, “You look very handsome,” he paused, “and getting a haircut is illegal in New York now,” 

Kevin raised his eyebrows at him, “Is it really?” 

Connor nodded solemnly, “There’s been reports of people being murdered by their barbers,” 

“Does this barber also turn his victims into pies?” 

“Oh, you’ve heard about it too?” Connor asked. 

Kevin rolled his eyes, “I think I’ll keep it long for a while. I quite like it, “ 

Connor beamed at him through the mirror and kissed the top of his head. Kevin smiled back and turned around in his arms, stretching up onto his tiptoes to press a longer, much less-awkward kiss to his lips. 

“I’m really happy I’m home,” he whispered. 

“Me too,” Connor whispered back, daring to believe that things really were getting better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kay. I know I keep on saying that I'm going to update regularly so I'm just gonna...stop saying that....but I really do try. I have maybe the worst memory in the world so sometimes I think it's only been like a week since I've updated and then I realise it's been almost a month and I feel terrible, but I can't help it. I only have one brain cell and she's never not been working overtime. But thank-you for reading! I'm really excited about everything that I've got planned and I can' wait write it so *fingers crossed* I won't forget and actually update lmao. 
> 
> (I mean....I will forget, but I have set reminders on my phone so we'll see how it goes).


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me with the fast update  
> (dont get used to it) 
> 
> tw/ mentions of sexual assault (relatively brief though)

Connor had thought that after sitting with his boyfriend in the ICU, then sitting with him in a psych ward and later convincing him not to move into a homeless shelter, his naivety had died a slow, painful death. 

Turned out, it absolutely had not. 

He stupidly believed that Kevin’s first night would be something magical; they would stick to the same night time routine of Kevin reading a book whilst Connor Facetimed Chris or Ed, and then they would fall asleep in each other's arms, and all would be well.

Instead, they got stuck with Kevin’s sudden flurry of anxiety at the very _thought_ of sleeping in their bed together and Connor putting his anxieties at ease by offering to sleep on the sofa. He had managed to sleep two hours before Kevin had woken up with a cry, shouting for him. 

Connor had thought that it would last a week or two at the very most. 

A month later, he was still waking up on the sofa. 

It was beyond depressing; Connor would return home from the theater or Bluebells (or both), exhausted and with the very simple fantasy of collapsing into their bed and not moving again until the following morning. But he would come home to dishes stacked high in the sink, laundry sitting in the washing machine and a messy living room. Every day, he would trick himself into not getting too angry about it, because the apartment was being lived in. More important, it was being lived in by _Kevin._

And it never seemed to matter how exhausted he was, because Connor could never settle down until he was sure that Kevin had eaten enough during the day and taken his meds. Then he would sit on the sofa and wait until he heard Kevin shout for him, forced awake by whatever nightmare had been plaguing him. 

The worst nights were when Kevin didn’t wake up, and Connor was left alone on the sofa. 

His alarm always sounded louder those mornings, cutting through whatever sleep he had been able to enjoy. He slammed his hand down onto his phone, his eyelids almost as heavy as his heart as he stared up at the ceiling, half wishing that Heavenly Father would do what his parents had always threatened him with and smite him. 

When Heavenly Father did not strike him down, Connor sat up and stretched his legs that were just a tad too long for him to lie comfortably on the sofa. He massaged his kneecaps as the dull ache that he had become accustomed to over the last month began to set in, groaning as it spread up his back and into his neck. 

It was another thirty minutes before he found it in himself to actually stand up, the upcoming day of a three thirty show sandwiched by two shifts at Bluebell’s physically weighing him down as he dragged himself over to the kitchen. The coffee machine seemed to be leering at him as he poured himself a disappointing mug of English Breakfast tea. He was trying his best to not drink coffee in the apartment because it seemed a little cruel when Kevin was still trying not to drink caffeine. 

Once he had forced himself into drinking his tea - the sheer disgustingness of which woke him up - Connor took Kevin’s meds out of the safe, placed them into a shot glass and filled up his water bottle. He quietly padded over to their bedroom and knocked on the door even though he knew that Kevin would still be fast asleep. 

Kevin always looked younger when he was sleeping; at peace and untouched by what the last three years had thrown at him. For a fleeting moment, Connor wondered if that was what he would look like if he was dead. He shook his head at the very thought, and carefully placed his water and meds on the bedside table. Kevin did not stir, and Connor knew he wouldn’t, because he never did when he managed to get a full night's sleep. It made Connor somehow lonelier. 

He eyed the space behind Kevin, imagining being able to crawl into bed and hold him until everything fell into place for them again. Instead of torturing himself with fantasies of things that he couldn't do, Connor crossed over to the closet and grabbed the first outfit that caught his eye with very little regard to whether or not it matched. 

Once he had wolfed down two Pop Tarts, left Kevin $10 and a note reminding him that he loved him, Connor left the apartment only to run back up the stairs because he was convinced that he had left the med safe wide open. When he was certain that it was closed, he left again, only to go straight back because he tricked himself into thinking that Kevin hadn’t been breathing and the reason he had looked so peaceful _was_ because he was dead. 

It was only after Connor had checked (three times) for Kevin’s pulse and leant down by his mouth to feel his breath on his cheek that he finally managed to leave the apartment building. By the time he had stopped off at Starbucks (for the biggest iced coffee they could legally sell him and two shots of espresso), he was almost twenty minutes late for work. 

Caroline didn’t at all seem to care that he was late, and Connor was slowly coming to terms with the fact that the reason she had hired him had less to do with needing help around the shop and more to do with making sure that he wasn’t working himself into exhaustion - even if he was. He tried not to let the exhaustion show as he passed her in the staff room, fixing her with what he hoped was a bright enough smile to hide from the bags underneath his eyes. 

“How much have you slept?” she asked, by way of a greeting. 

“Enough,” Connor said, knocking back his second espresso shot and wishing he had bought a third. 

“Connor.” she said firmly, “how much?” 

“Seven hours,” he lied. 

“ _Connor._ ” 

He busied himself with stirring his coffee so not to look at her, “Four hours,” 

“That is _not_ enough!” she exclaimed, “How do you expect to get through two shifts here and a Broadway show on four hours of sleep?” 

“Spite,” Connor said, “and coffee,” he added. He scrunched his nose up as he took his first sip of coffee; the barista had forgotten to add in the caramel syrup and that was almost enough to push him over the edge. 

“I’m taking you off schedule tonight,” Caroline said impatiently, “If you even _try_ and come in here after your show, I’ll break your neck,” 

Connor had known her long enough to know that she did not believe in empty threats and seriously considered taking her up on her offer. 

* * *

There was no sweeter relief than the sound of the bow music finally playing at the end of a long show that no longer brought the pride it used to. Perhaps it was because he was always too exhausted to truly appreciate what it was like to be on Broadway, or perhaps it was because the show now felt like a relic from the times _before -_ the times when he had never thought Kevin capable of trying to take his own life, the times when he had foolishly thought that they were both _happy,_ the times when the only thing Connor worried about was Kevin falling asleep slumped over his laptop and hurting his back. It felt like a time they would never get back. 

“Are you coming out, Connor?” one of the ensemble girls asked, already in the process of taking her costume off, “We’re going to-” 

“No,” he said, trying to keep the impatience out of his voice. He was asked this question after almost every show, and he gave the same answer every time, “Kevin is at home,” 

He was grateful that no one ever tried to argue with him and convince him to go out, and he supposed that it was because no one _actually_ wanted to go out with their most emotionally unstable castmate who would probably not provide any entertainment outside of sobbing in the corner of the bar about his boyfriend. Not that Connor was really facing a particularly exciting night at home; Kevin would either be asleep or too engrossed in a videogame when he got home to give him much attention. Not that that mattered, he forcefully reminded himself, it was better for Kevin to ignore him at _home_ than it was for him to ignore him in a psych ward. 

He left the theater as quickly as he could, slipping through the lobby and hurrying home without anyone spotting him. On the journey home, he found himself wishing that Kevin would have a nightmare so he could actually sleep in their bed, only to feel something beyond selfish the moment it crossed his mind. It was a _good_ thing that he didn’t have nightmares every night, he told himself firmly, because that meant that one day, he would stop having them all together and then they could maybe go back to the way that things had been. 

The faint hope that _one day,_ Connor would never have to worry about whether he was sleeping in his own bed or not carried him all the way back to their apartment. Kevin was sprawled out on the sofa, eyes locked on the television as he jammed at the buttons on his Switch. 

“Hi,” Connor said as gently as he could so not to alarm Kevin, “Good day?” 

Kevin barely looked over at him, “Yeah. Isaac brought food over, and then we went for a walk. It was a nice,” 

Connor nodded, dropping his bag onto the floor and waiting for Kevin to ask why he was home so early. He didn’t, and Connor wasn’t even sure why he was surprised. 

“I’m really tired,” he said to the back of his head, “So I’m going to have a quick nap in our bed, but you can wake me up when you’re ready to sleep,” 

“Okay,” Kevin said, in a voice that told him he was clearly not listening. 

Resisting the urge to snap at him, because whatever _this_ was, was just Kevin’s way of coping, Connor turned on his heel and marched to their bedroom, just about stopping himself from slamming the door shut behind him. 

He leaned his head against the cool wood and took a deep breath with the intention to calm himself down, but he found himself jerking away from the door. An odd smell tickled his nose, but he put it down to their upstairs neighbours always being a little strange and possibly practicing death magic (Kevin always said that they were probably just bad cooks, but Connor had never been convinced). 

With a heavy sigh, Connor kicked his shoes off and flopped face first onto the bed, immediately rolling over to Kevin’s side so he might pretend that the pillow he was hugging was him. He took another deep breath, only to gag almost immediately and push it away from him. He frowned, and hesitantly put it to his face again. 

Rage, hurt, anxiety, _something_ burned through him as he leapt to his feet and stormed into the living room, the pillow still clutched in his hand. 

“What the _fuck_ , Kevin?” he snapped, “Have you been smoking?” 

Kevin jumped, dropping the Switch controller to the sofa and turning around to look at him, eyes wide in what Connor might have believed to be innocence if he didn’t know him so well. 

“Uh, I - n-no,” Kevin said, “No. I’ve not - Why would I be smoking?” 

“I don’t know!” Connor exclaimed, “You tell me,” 

“Please don’t be mad,” Kevin whispered, jumping to his feet and hurrying over to him. He knocked the pillow out of Connor’s hand and grabbed his hands, “Sorry. I - I managed to hide it from you but before I - I was stressed and I didn’t want to leave the apartment so I - I opened the window! I didn’t realise I stunk the whole room out! I’m - I’m sorry!” 

Connor ripped his hands out of Kevin’s grip, almost too far gone in anger to notice how he had flinched and was shrinking away from him. 

“If you were stressed, you should have called me!” Connor yelled, slamming his hand down on the kitchen counter, “I would have come home and stayed with you!” 

Kevin had backed away from him, pressing himself against the back of the sofa with his head bowed. Connor sighed and ran a hand through his hair, allowing himself to scream whatever obscenities that he could think of in his mind. 

“I’m sorry,” Connor whispered, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be - I shouldn’t be shouting. I’m tired and I just - I don’t understand why you’re doing this, Kev! You could be spending your day trying to find a job or - or talking to university about going back, not _smoking_ ,” 

Kevin’s neck snapped up to stare at him, his face screwed up like Connor had said something terribly offensive to him. 

“How do you expect me to go back to university, Connor? How am I meant to sit in a lecture hall or walk around campus or do - do anything like that again? He took that away from me!” he asked in a strained whisper, “Don’t you - don’t you think that I _want_ to go back? To go back to how everything was?”

“So why can’t you?” Connor asked desperately, “Why can’t you go back? He isn’t there anymore!” 

“That’s not the fucking point! He still got the kind of career that I’ve always dreamed of having! He still gets to retire to some cushy house somewhere we’ll probably never be able to afford to live!” 

“So you’re just going to let him ruin your life?” 

“You don’t get it!” Kevin yelled, “You don’t have to live with a remainder of one of the worst moments of your life! I have to live with myself! With my _body_. And you want me to go back to the university where all this shit started?” 

“Don’t I?” Connor mumbled, “Don’t I have to live with that reminder?”

Kevin frowned, “What?” 

Connor tutted and shook his head, _“Nothing._ I just - if you’re not ready then _fine,_ but I just - I don’t like it, alright? It makes me really uncomfortable and I - I don’t understand why you’re doing it! It just not a _you_ thing to do,” 

“ _Because,”_ Kevin mumbled in the way that he usually did when he knew whatever he was about to say was stupid, “I can - I’m in control of the bad thing that happens to me for once. No one else,”

Connor groaned, “Have you _ever_ considered that bad things don’t have to happen to you? That good things can and _do_ happen to you?” 

Kevin scoffed and threw his hands in the air, “When has _anything_ good ever happened to me?”

It was like he had been punched in the stomach and had the wind knocked out of him. Kevin stood across from him, hands balled into fists and lips pressed together like he had no idea that Arnold was something good, and Chris and James and Nabulungi and _him._ Like he had somehow forgotten that he’d sat by his bedside for months and never slept because he worked two jobs for _him,_ like every single decision he ever made wasn’t done with _his_ best interests in mind. 

“You are so fucking _selfish_ ,” Connor hissed, “You never stopped being that selfish kid I couldn’t fucking stand, did you?” 

The change in Kevin’s face was jarring; his mouth dropped into a pout, eyes sad beneath furrowed brows. He suddenly looked so much younger, _like_ the Elder Price that Connor had struggled to warm up to. 

“What? You didn’t - You didn’t like me?” 

“No! Because you were a selfish piece of shit! And you’re acting like that now!” Connor snapped, more than aware that the floodgates had been opened and it was going to take a lot to shut them again, “All I have asked is that you _stop_ because it makes me uncomfortable and I hate it!” 

“I’m an adult,” Kevin shot back, “I can do what I want!”

“You’d have thought that after being raped twice, you’d have some sort of empathy for others when they ask you to stop doing something that makes them uncomfortable!” 

Connor had never wished so badly to be able to turn back time and stop himself from speaking. He clapped his hands over his mouth, watching Kevin with wide eyes. His face was completely blank, the only thing that suggested he had heard him was the tears that had very suddenly begun streaming down his face. Connor took a step towards him with his hands outstretched, blabbering some garbled apology. 

“Why would you say that to me?” Kevin asked quietly. 

“I didn’t - I didn’t mean it,” Connor whispered, “I’m - I’m sorry. I don’t know why I - I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m just - I’m really tired and I’m stressed and I just - I’m sorry, sweetheart,” 

“So you think it’s my fault, do you?” Kevin asked, his voice breaking, “That David was just - it was just Heavenly Father punishing me for being selfish?” 

“No!” Connor exclaimed, taking another step towards him, “No, no, you - you know I don’t think it’s - it’s your fault! I just - I meant - I meant that - I don’t know what I meant! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” 

Kevin shook his head and took a step back from him, “You're meant to be my _boyfriend,_ Connor! How can you say that to me?” 

“I know! I know. I’m sorry. I love you, I -“ 

“No, you don’t,” Kevin said, “because if you loved me, you wouldn’t say that to me,”

Connor shook his head, feeling like something was pressing down on his chest as tears boiled behind his eyes. 

“Kev, please, no I - I love you,” Connor whispered, “I do, I do, _I do._ Please believe me,” 

“How am I meant to believe you when you say _that_ to me?” Kevin yelled and Connor flinched, because there was nothing worse than hearing him yell and knowing that it was _his_ fault, “How can you use that against me?” 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Connor cried, “I’m just so _tired_ and I - I feel like - like I’m losing you!” 

“Yeah, maybe you fucking are,” 

As the door slammed shut behind him, Connor collapsed onto the sofa, great heaving sobs tumbling from the very core of his being. He curled up as small as he could, clutching a cushion that actually smelled of _Kevin._ Not smoke, just Kevin and his ridiculously expensive shampoo that usually made Connor feel safe and like he was at home. Usually. 

His phone lighting up with a notification distracted him for mere seconds, he snatched it up off the floor, not really sure if he wanted Kevin to text him or not. 

**Isaac: Don’t worry. He’s with me.**

**I’m pissed off about the smoking thing too.**

**He’s okay. He’ll be home tomorrow.**

Connor found that he didn’t really care. 

* * *

Caroline always insisted that Connor had at least one day off a week, which meant that he had the whole morning to deep clean the entire apartment because suddenly _everything_ smelled of smoke. The rational part of his brain was telling him that the smell was all in his head and he was just being paranoid, but the irrational part of his brain was telling him that he should probably clean the table for a fourth time, _just in case._

It also meant that he was home when Kevin walked through the door. His hair was messy and falling freely around his face, bloodshot eyes cushioned by bags that somehow looked worse than they usually did. 

“I need my meds,” Kevin said quietly. 

Connor silently dropped the anti-bac spray to the table and walked over to the safe, punching the code in and trying his best to not be angry about the way he slammed the pills onto the counter. Kevin reached over him to get a glass of water and Connor very quickly ducked out of the way. He smelled of smoke. 

Kevin leaned back against the refrigerator as he took his pills, and Connor tried his best to ignore him. He brushed past him and sprayed anti-bac on both sides of the front door, only going back into the kitchen because the spray had run out. Kevin was still standing there, and Connor could feel his eyes on him and he rummaged around in the cupboard for another bottle. His search came up fruitless and he bit back the tears that were threatening to spill. Over _anti-bacterial spray._

“Can we - Can we talk?” Kevin asked quietly, “I don’t like arguing. Especially with you...” 

Connor said nothing and thrust his hands underneath the tap, convinced that the smell was going to cling to his skin. He heard Kevin sigh and the sound of his footsteps approaching him. Before he could try and move out of the way, Kevin’s arm slipped around his waist and he pressed a light kiss to his temple. Connor couldn’t stop himself and gagged. He covered his mouth and nose with a shaking hand, socks slipping on the floor in his hasty attempt to get away from Kevin. 

“Con-”

“Please,” Connor whispered, his back pressed against the balcony doors, “Please don’t,” 

He watched as Kevin’s bottom lip began to tremble, “Please don’t - don’t push me away. It was - It was just a fight, we can - we can just talk about it and it’ll be fine, right?” 

Connor nodded silently, only to stagger backwards when Kevin took a step towards him. Kevin’s face twisted into something awful, awkwardly running his hand across the top of the sofa, and all Connor could think was that he was going to need to clean it. 

“I’m going to shower,” Kevin said quietly, “I’ll be - I’ll be ten minutes,” 

Connor did not move until he heard the shower switch on. He snatched a can of air freshener from the counter and sprayed in onto the sofa where Kevin had touched, only stopping when it began foaming on the fabric and he realised how _stupid_ and _overdramatic_ he was being. With a groan, he dropped one of their blankets over the now wet material of the sofa in the hopes that Kevin would not notice and slowly walked back over to the kitchen to make them both lunch. 

He knew his hands were shaking as he cut up a cucumber, but chose to ignore it. He knew that his breath was coming out of him in ragged gasps, but he chose to ignore it. He knew that all he wanted to do was curl up in a ball and hide away from the world for the rest of his life, but chose to ignore it.

Kevin came out of the bathroom with a small smile and a can of deodorant that he seemed to be making a deal out spraying himself with. Connor silently handed him a bowl of salad and took his own to the sofa, bringing his knees to his chest and trying to make himself as small a 6’0 adult could. Kevin sat beside him, just close enough that their arms brushed together as they ate. 

“I love you,” Kevin said after a while, “and I - I know you do, too,” 

Connor nodded silently, staring down at the salad that suddenly didn’t look so appetising. 

“I’m gonna - I’m gonna try and stop,” Kevin continued, “I don’t really like it, either. Isaac and Jack, too...Freya said I was an idiot for it, too...” 

Connor nodded silently again, pushing his fork through the salad and wondering why he always insisted on making such big portions. 

“But why - why do you hate it so much?” 

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Connor mumbled. 

He felt Kevin’s eyes burning into him but was too embarrassed to look up, what he had said still ringing in his ears. 

“Okay,” Kevin said finally, “but...if you - if you ever wanna...” 

“I know,” Connor said quietly, “I know.” 

It was almost an hour before Connor found it in himself to look up at Kevin. He was half-expecting him to be crying. Kevin smiled at him, whispering a tiny _hi_ like they hadn’t been sitting next to each other for the past hour. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “for what I said,” 

Kevin shook his head, “It’s fine. It’s - It’s whatever...” 

“It’s not though, is it?” 

“No,” Kevin agreed, “but I - I don’t like you being sad. Or fighting with you,” 

Connor nodded, turning back to his half-empty bowl. He felt Kevin inch closer to him, he let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes, unable to believe that it was _him_ who didn’t want to touch Kevin. He took in deep breath after deep breath, making sure that all he could smell was _Kevin._

“I didn’t mean it,” Connor whispered when his senses were full of _Kevin_ again; the expensive shampoo and the equally expensive body wash that Connor would happily budget for for the rest of his life if it meant he never smelled of smoke again, “What I said,” 

“Forget it,” Kevin said, “I probably will...” 

“But I shouldn't - I shouldn’t use it against you in a fight!” Connor exclaimed, “and it’s not just that! I said - I said other things!” 

He felt Kevin’s arm brush against his when he shrugged, “Everyone says stupid things when they’re angry. And I just - I wanna move on...” 

“...and stop smoking?” Connor asked hopefully. 

“Yeah,” Kevin mumbled, “Yeah. That too,” 

Connor turned to look at him and smiled, grateful that he smiled right back.

He just couldn’t understand how Kevin could smile at him like he was his whole world and still feel as lonely as he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading! I got hit with this random wave of motivation this week hence the quick update, but I can't promise the next one is gonna be quick because I have a looooad of assignments coming up so it all depends on how much I want to procrastinate ig lmao 
> 
> soz if this made you sad x


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning:/ mention of conversion therapy.

Connor had come to accept that perhaps Kevin just didn’t love him anymore. Years of internalised homophobia had meant that being publicly affectionate wasn’t a thing that he did, and Connor had never been bothered by that. He had never felt the need to prove to strangers that they were in love by sitting in each other's laps and making out in a bar and felt like anyone who did do that deserved to be shot. But he had always liked how affectionate Kevin was at home, whether that be in the way he never left his side to go the kitchen or the bathroom without a quick kiss on the cheek first, or how Kevin always insisted they held hands even if they were just sat next to each other on the sofa because _both of our hands are free and it’d be a waste!_

It felt like the only time they ever touched was when Kevin was having a panic attack. Kevin’s grip on Connor’s arm was always painful and the way he gasped for breath was worlds away from how Connor had once been used to seeing him gasp for breath at 3 AM when neither of them could sleep. 

He watched as Kevin slowly climbed down from his panic attack, shivering despite the humid air. He looked tiny, wearing only his underwear and still not having gained back all the weight he lost. Connor tried his best to not openly stare, but he missed _seeing_ Kevin like this. Not sexually, but _intimately._ It was only him who knew that Kevin had a scar at the very bottom of his back from when he had fallen down the stairs as a child, and it was only him who knew that he had a funny birthmark underneath his armpit that was almost in the shape of a heart.

At least, Connor _used_ to think that it was only him who knew that. He supposed there were two other people who could know all that. 

The grip on Connor’s arm loosening brought him back down to Earth and, more importantly, back to Kevin. Connor slowly lifted his hand to brush the hair from Kevin’s sweat soaked brow and smiled, pleased when his eyes flickered up to meet his and he saw that they weren’t wide with fear. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” he asked quietly. 

“Just - Just him. Always him,” 

“Who?” and he hated that he even had to differentiate between the two.

“David,” Kevin mumbled, “Don’t dream about Uganda anymore,” 

Connor nodded, brushing his fingers through his hair again because he didn’t know what else to say. Kevin sighed and dug the heel of his hands into his eyes until Connor managed to gently tug them away, heart leaping just a little when Kevin’s immediate reaction was to intertwine their fingers. There were moments when the affectionate Kevin pushed through whatever walls were barricading him in, but it was only ever a fleeting victory. It would still get Connor through the rest of the week and simultaneously remind him that his standards were on the floor. 

“Can we go back to sleep?” Kevin asked quietly, “Got a headache,” 

“Do you want some water?” 

“No,” Kevin mumbled, flopping back down onto the bed and tugging on Connor’s hands, “Come lay down,”

Connor felt the usual guilt settle in as he lay down, keeping still as Kevin shuffled around beside him to get comfortable. Kevin might have very well forgotten the argument that they had, but it still lay heavily in his mind, reminding him that he had been awful enough to weaponize his assaults against him. Whenever this thought crossed his mind - and it had done every day for the last two weeks - there was always a horrible voice at the back of his mind telling him that maybe that was exactly what Kevin had needed to hear, because even though he had promised Connor that he had stopped smoking, he still found crumpled up packets in the trash can. 

He glanced down at Kevin, head resting on his chest and eyes wide open, one arm squashed between the two of them and the other flopped across his stomach. The loneliness he felt was stronger than the guilt, even with the feeling of Kevin’s weight on him and the softness of his hair as he ran it through his fingers. 

Perhaps it was because he knew that the next day he would be alone on the sofa again, or because he would come home from _another_ long day at work to a messy apartment and dinner that needed to be cooked. 

“Good night,” Kevin whispered. 

Connor’s eyes flickered down to Kevin again just as his eyes fluttered shut. It was beginning to feel like things might have been easier at the hospital. At least then Connor had been able to walk away. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Connor was beginning to question his sofa buying skills. He sank down into the cushions of Chris and James’, legs curled underneath him and a blanket - that was much softer than the one he slept with every night - pulled right up to his chin. If his own sofa was this comfy, he would probably never complain about having to sleep on it again. 

“You look terrible,” Nabulungi observed from the other side of the sofa and Connor scowled at her. 

“I didn’t realise you invited me over on my only day off this week to _insult_ me,” 

“She’s right,” Chris said, flopping down in between them both and somehow managing to take up a lot of room for someone so small, “You do look terrible,” 

Connor sighed, pulling the blanket around him tighter. Had he known that he was just going to be insulted, he might have joined Kevin, James and Arnold as they wandered around the city playing Pokémon Go. 

“Are you both finished?” he grumbled.

He watched as they exchanged a look and came to the quite horrific realisation that they were about to stage an intervention. He slumped down on the sofa, hoping that perhaps he would disappear into the cushions and they would forget that he was ever there. 

“You look ill,” Chris said, "if you’re not careful, it’s gonna be Kevin visiting _you_ in hospital,” 

Connor scoffed, wanting to point out that in that situation, Kevin probably wouldn’t visit him. He kept that thought to himself, deciding that it would not succeed in doing anything more than drawing out a conversation that he didn’t want to be having. 

“You look like him,” Nabulungi said quietly. 

“Yes, me with ginger hair and blue eyes look like my boyfriend with brown hair and-” 

“I mean you look like he did on the day of the play in Uganda,” 

Connor remembered many things from that day, but nothing was seared into his memory quite as strongly as Kevin’s appearance. He remembered, clear as day, Kevin limping over to the rest of the Elder’s, uniform uncharacteristically dishevelled and hair sticking up at odd angles. At first, Connor had thought the impossible had happened and he had woken up late until they were stood only metres apart. Connor still could not describe how he looked, because he had not seen him like that since, even when he was in the hospital. He had looked like a corpse, somewhere between life and death. 

“I don’t think anyone will ever look quite as bad as that,” Connor said, “that was - that was something different. I haven’t been _attacked_ or-” 

“You’re not sleeping,” Chris interjected, “and you’re working too much,” 

“Do you know how difficult it is to get a good night's sleep on a sofa you’re too tall for?” Connor snapped, only to regret it seconds later. 

“What?” Nabulungi asked, “You’re sleeping on the sofa?” 

Chris looked at him with what could only be murder in his eyes and Connor found himself shrinking away from him. Chris Thomas’ overprotective nature was admirable most of the time, but it was moments like this where it was more of a hindrance than a help. 

“Why?” Chris demanded. 

“Because it makes Kevin feel comfortable,” Connor said, “and it isn’t _every_ night...plus, I - we’re not...we’re not in a good place at the minute...” 

Nabulungi straightened up at this, her eyes wide, “Are you - Are you breaking up?” 

“I - I mean, we’re - I -” Connor stumbled over his words, wanting nothing more than to say _no, of course not_ but finding that he couldn’t get it out, “I don’t want to, but I - we had a massive fight, he stayed at Isaac’s for the night and I...I said something that I shouldn’t have and we - we spoke about it but it - it’s not been the same since because he - well, he’s started smoking,” 

He watched Chris’ face carefully as she spoke, and the way his facial expression changed from sympathy and confusion before settling on anger might have been funny underneath different circumstances. 

“Like - Like cigarettes?” Chris asked quietly. 

Connor nodded, “He said he stopped but I always find the ends of them on the balcony or packets in the trash and I - I just - I hate it...” 

“You’re gonna have to tell him,” 

“He knows. I told him I hate it.” 

“No, you need to tell him _why_ ,” 

Connor shook his head, turning to hide his face in the sofa cushions as a lump rose in his throat. He heard Chris sigh and felt the cushions shift as he shuffled over to him, placing his hand on his knee and squeezing ever so slightly. 

“I’m sorry,” Chris whispered, “I’m not trying to upset you, but if he’s - he’s still doing it, you need to tell him,” 

“Not fair,” Connor mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut, “I can’t drop that on him. It’s mean, he’s still - he’s still going through his own stuff,” 

“So are you,” Chris pointed out, “and you’re carrying everything for the both of you. It’s unhealthy, Con. You’re going to end up hurting yourself,” 

Connor shook his head again, pressing his face into the sofa cushions as the memories he was usually so good at repressing crawled to the front of his mind. He squeezed his eyes shut and dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands as he forced himself through every single breathing exercise he knew three times over before his heart rate slowed down and the fog from the memories lifted. 

“I’m fine,” Connor mumbled, lifting his head and meeting two extremely concerned stares, “It’s just been a rough two weeks,” 

Two weeks, and the rest. 

* * *

There once was a time where an _Out of Order_ sign slapped onto the elevator doors when his arms were laden with bags full of groceries was a mild convenience at most. He would just call Kevin and have him come and help him carry the bags upstairs. Now, the very thought of calling him and asking for help was laughable because he’d either be napping or too engrossed in whatever stupid video game he was playing to walk down the stairs. 

Grunting at the effort of it all and acting like the tears pricking at his eyes were simply down to allergies he didn’t suffer from, Connor hoisted two bags that were on his shoulders higher up and balanced the other three that were threatening to split onto his forearms and began the extremely arduous walk up the stairs. His shoulders ached from both the terrible nights sleep he had had on the sofa and the weight of the bags, and his shins sent a fresh new pain up his entire leg with every step. By the time he got to the front door, his side had twisted into a stitch and his face was dripping with sweat. 

Before he had even dropped the bags onto the counter, he felt bile rise in his throat and just about managed to stop himself from gagging. Sadness and fury and betrayal coursing through him, Connor dropped the bags and marched over to the balcony, wrenching the door open with such force that the glass shook. 

Kevin was leaning with his back against the railing, cigarette held loosely between his lips as he scrolled through his phone. Connor had never, and would never, understand why anybody in their right mind found men smoking attractive. When he looked up at him, Connor thought that he would look like a deer caught in headlights. He didn’t. He looked like he didn’t even care. 

“Don’t start,” he mumbled, “I’m not in the mood,” 

“I told you I hated it and you still haven’t stopped. Have you even tried?” 

“I wasn’t aware I had to do something just because you told me to,” 

Connor clenched his jaw, hands curling into fists as the smoke curled towards him. He felt his throat close up like it always used to and he jerked backwards, almost tripping over one of the ridiculous plants that Chris had insisted they buy. There was an irony somewhere in the fact that it’s leaves were wilting. 

“I do _so_ much for you,” Connor whispered, “I call restaurants before we go to make sure that they have low capacity because I know you hate crowds, I turn tv shows off when the characters start arguing because you can’t handle it, I sat by your bed in a psych ward for weeks and I beat someone up for you and I got out of my way to make sure that our world is as safe as possible for you and you do nothing to make it safe for me!” 

“I’ve never asked you to-” 

“And I’ve never asked _anything_ of you, Kevin! This is the one thing I want from you!” he snapped, angry tears stinging his eyes. 

Kevin frowned at him, dropping the cigarette butt to the floor and crushing it with the heel of his shoe. He leaned back against the railing, one ankle crossed over the other and Connor wasn’t even sure who he was looking at anymore. 

“Have you been making the world safer for me because you want something in return? Are you just like every other man I’ve come across in life? Want me on my knees with my mouth open or my legs spread?” 

“No!” Connor yelled, “I have never asked you to do that for me! I have never asked you for sex or for a kiss or for _anything_ like that when you don’t want it! I am asking you for one extremely simple thing, Kevin!”

“But it’s none of your business!” Kevin snapped, “if I want to smoke, I am well within my right-“ 

“They blew smoke in my face in therapy!” 

He clapped his hands over his mouth and took a step back from Kevin as though that would reverse what he said. Kevin raised his eyebrows, foot poised to take a step forward but Connor could not think of anyone he wanted to comfort him less.

“They - what?” 

Connor shook his head and covered his face in his hands. He could remember it so vividly it was like it had happened yesterday; that awful therapist inches from his face, the smoke crawling up his nose and down his throat and making him cough and splutter as they showed him pictures of semi naked men and asked him to imagine kissing them. 

“Con,” Kevin said softly, “Tell me,” 

“F-Fuck off,” Connor mumbled, turning his back on him and stumbling over to their bedroom, “I wanna - I need to be alone. Go away,”

Kevin’s hands scrabbled at the back of his shirt, trying to pull him back but Connor didn’t think he’d ever wanted to be further away from someone in his life. The smell was too potent, it was as though it had crawled under his skin and he could not stop himself from scratching at his arms like it might release the smell from him. 

He all but dived on their bed, lying with his back to the door where Kevin was stood and clutching a pillow to his chest as the memories he had successfully repressed for almost three years began to play in his mind like a slideshow reminding him of the worst years of his life; the way his parents had looked when they told him they had read his diary, how all of his cousins had ignored him at every family event afterwards, the feeling of the Bishop's hand curled around his arm as he had walked him to his first ever session and the _room._ It was always dark, save for the one dim lamp in the corner that he would try and focus on, try and convince himself that it was God’s light and he would come and save him because that’s what God did. And then He never did. 

“I think you wanna be alone so I’m - I’m gonna go out,” Kevin said, his voice sounding like it was coming from a great distance, “I won’t be long. I - uh, - if you need me, you can just call. Or text. Or - something,” 

Connor didn’t say anything, just curled himself into a tighter ball and pressed his face into the pillow. It smelled like Kevin should smell and that somehow hurt more than him smelling like smoke.

“Okay,” Kevin said, “Well...see ya,” 

When he heard the front door shut, Connor lifted his head from the pillow and looked around, realising how _dark_ the room was. He reached over and immediately turned the bedside lamp on, but it was still too dark. Too like it was in _that_ room. He quickly got out of bed and turned on every light in the room; the overhead light, the lamp on Kevin’s side of the bed, the light that Arnold and Nabulungi had bought them that was in the shape of the moon, but it still wasn’t enough. He hurried into the living room and dragged the big lamp in, placing it at the foot of the bed and turning the bulb up to it’s full brightness. 

His eyes scanned the room, looking for any shadowy corners or dark spots. It was almost fifteen minutes before he felt like he could safely get back into bed.. He crawled underneath the covers and hiked them up to his neck, staring straight ahead of him because he knew what sort of dreams sleep would bring. 

Minutes, hours or days could have passed before he heard the front door open and Kevin timidly announce that he was home. Connor still said nothing, not even when Kevin walked into the bedroom and placed a cold brew and a bright bouquet of orange flowers onto the bedside table. 

“I’m gonna go and get in the shower,” Kevin whispered, “Do you want anything?” 

Connor shook his head, resisting the urge to tell him that what he really wanted was for him to go away. 

“I won’t be long,” and he was gone again. 

It did not take long for the smell of the coffee to get him sitting up. He drank it in five gulps, hoping it would be enough to keep him awake for the rest of the night. He dropped the empty cup onto the floor and lay back down, eyes drawn to the flowers that were almost obnoxiously bright. He reached over to the note that peeked out from beneath two tulips and picked it up, the four simple words that Kevin had scribbled on it flooring him. 

_All my love, Kevin._

He dropped the note back into the flowers and buried his face into the cushion again. He didn’t know if he needed Kevin right next to him or if he needed to be alone for the foreseeable future. All he knew was that he was scared, but he couldn't quite work out what it was that was scaring him so deeply. 

A hesitant knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts, and he waited with bated breath for Kevin to speak. He didn’t, and Connor thought that perhaps he had been hearing things until he felt the bed dip behind him. 

“Did you like your drink? Oh, you - you drank it, that’s...that’s good. It smelled good, so did Starbucks...but I didn’t get any coffee, I got some smoothie thing instead and it - it sort of hurt my teeth...” Kevin rambled, and even though Connor was lying with his back to him, he knew that he would have been fiddling with the bottom of his shirt as he went, “What about the flowers? I got - I got orange cause they look like your hair...the lady in the florist laughed at me though. Said I must have fucked up real bad if I was buying ones that were so big and I was like, yeah you have no idea. Think she thought my girlfriend was mad at me though...”

Connor didn’t say anything, still torn between whether he wanted Kevin there or not. He felt as though he was inching towards wanting him, and he couldn’t tell if that was really romantic or really stupid, but they often felt like synonyms. 

Kevin sighed, and Connor felt him shift around on the bed. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, “for what I said before about - about you just wanting me to spread my legs. And for - for not respecting you when you asked me to stop smoking. When you - when you told me it made you uncomfortable I should have just stopped and I - I’m sorry. So I’m...I’m going to stop now. Properly. I threw my last packet away and I bought nicotine patches,” 

Connor still didn’t speak, the painful reminder of what he had said to Kevin the last time they had had a discussion like this keeping him silent. 

“And I am - I am also sorry for the way I have acted and treated you recently,” Kevin continued, “It’s not been fair of me to - to expect so much from you and to excuse everything with my mental health because I - I know you’ve never done that to me. And I - I want to be there for you like you’ve _always_ been there for me. Even before we were together in Uganda you were - you were nice to me and then when my parents disowned me you - you literally _fed_ me because I couldn’t even do that and these last few months I-” his voice broke, “- that first day you visited me in the ICU, you just - you held my hand and I - I remember thinking that if I should live for a-anyone it should be you and t-then every day you came in and I realised I - I wanted to be alive because - because _you_ are and I - I can’t believe I’ve treated you s-so badly because you don’t - don’t _deserve_ it, you - you deserve the world and I - I should be treating you better..." 

Connor had to bite down on his hand to stop himself from crying out loud; white hot tears streamed down his face, dripping down his nose and onto his lips. It was like all the pain that he’d pushed down as a teenager was finally bubbling to the surface, and there was very little that he could do to stop it. 

“I’m just - I’m sorry,” Kevin mumbled, “I’m gonna be better to you. You’re - You’re not my carer and I should stop treating you like one. You - You do too much for me and I - I don’t want you to anymore. I’ll pick up the slack around the apartment and start looking into going back to - to college and I’ll - I’ll stop putting everything on you,” 

“Kev,” Connor whispered, “Can you - Can you go get me some water? My head hurts,” 

“Y-Yeah! Of course!” 

It was quite impressive, the speed at which he managed to get him the water. He came back and sat on the edge of the bed, holding the glass out to him. Connor took it from him silently, taking only a few sips before he lay back down again, not being able to bring himself to look at Kevin. 

“I wanna talk. I want _you_ to talk,” Kevin said, “I want you to - to be able to tell me things like I tell you,” 

Connor shook his head, “‘s not fair. You’ve got stuff going on and-” 

“So have you,” Kevin pointed out, “You’ve switched on every single light in the room _and_ put the living room lamp in here. If that was me, you’d make me talk about it...” he paused and cleared his throat, “Is it - Does it have something to do with therapy?” 

Connor squeezed his eyes shut, his bottom lip quivering, “It was so _dark_ . It was always so dark and - and...and they just laughed at me, all the time and I - they’d blow smoke in my face so I - I couldn’t breathe and then make me look at pictures of m-men and I _hated_ it and I hated _myself_ and I - my parents they - they never cared about me and I - I just wished I was dead every single day and I -” his words dissolved into sobs, and he felt Kevin’s hand in his hair, fingers massaging away the tension in his scalp, “and then I - I nearly lost - I nearly lost _you_ and I don’t - I don’t want to but I feel like I - I’m losing you every single day and I - I’m just so _tired_ and _lonely_ and I - sometimes _I_ need someone to hug me and tell me that it's gonna be okay,” 

He only stopped speaking because his throat was dry and his headache was getting worse. He felt Kevin’s gaze on him for a moment before he was being pinned to the bed, Kevin’s arms wrapped tight around him like it might stop him from falling to pieces.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he whispered into his hair, “We’re gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay,”

Possibly for the first time in his life, Connor fell apart. He clung onto Kevin perhaps tighter than he ever had done in his life, face pressed into his chest as he cried all the tears he had been unable to for years. Kevin shushed him to no avail pressing kisses into his hair and whispering _we’re gonna be okay, we’re gonna be okay, we’re gonna be okay_ over and over again like a mantra. 

“I w-was so _scared_ ,” Connor sobbed into his chest, “I - I thought I was gonna lose you for-forever and then I - I thought things were gonna be n-normal when you came home but I - I get so lonely on the couch and I think you don’t ever want me again and I - I don’t wanna p-push you into a-anything but I - I’m _lonely_ ,” 

“I know, love,” Kevin whispered, “but you - you don’t need to be scared anymore or - or sleep on the couch. It wasn’t fair for me to ask you to do that. I should have - I should have slept on the couch, not you. But no more of - of sleeping on the couch or being lonely, I promise,”

“I’m scared I’m gonna lose you,” Connor whispered, “I don’t want to, I - I _can’t_ lose you,” 

“You - You won’t. I’m gonna stay right here,” 

He pulled away from him, eyes searching Kevin’s face for some sign of disingenuousness. 

“You - You _have_ to promise me. I need to hear you say it. Just tell me, please. Tell me you’re gonna say alive,” he pleaded, aware that he sounded insane and that Kevin’s eyes were awash with concern. 

“I’m - I’m gonna stay alive, I promise,” Kevin mumbled, putting his hand over Connor’s as it gripped the front of his shirt, “I’m gonna stay alive,” 

Connor let out a cry that was closer to a wail than anything else, feeling his body seize up and Kevin hastily move closer to him, warm hands running up and down his back. He kissed every part of his face he could get to, arms stronger than they had felt in weeks and hands warm and soft and _safe._

“Try and sleep,” Kevin whispered, “I know you need it. We both need it,” 

He nodded silently and pulled back slightly, gently pushing against Kevin so he would roll over. 

“No, I’ll be big spoon,” he said, “C’mere,” 

Connor froze, eyes flickering from Kevin’s face to his arms that were open for him. Kevin raised his eyebrows, arm flopping back down to the bed. 

“I never big spoon. I thought you would want to,” 

“No,” Connor mumbled, scooting back over to him and pressing their foreheads together, “Wanna - Wanna be facing you. Wanna see your face,” 

Kevin laughed but said nothing, one hand coming up to cradle his face, mirroring the exact way he had touched him for the first time. He still felt the same excitement and nervousness he did back then, still amazed that someone like _Elder Price_ was so close to him, was _touching_ him. 

“I did like Elder Price, really,” Connor whispered. 

“No you didn’t,” Kevin said, thumb sweeping over his cheekbone, “And it’s okay that you didn’t,” 

“I did!” Connor said earnestly, putting his hand over Kevin’s, “cause he’s you, and I - I like you,” 

Kevin smiled at him, shifting just a little so he could press a soft kiss to Connor’s lips, “Can I love you? Properly? Like I should?” 

“Yeah. Can I - Can I love you?” 

“You always do,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check me with the fast updates lmao  
> Anyway, thank-you so much for reading!!! I've been so excited to write Connor's break down for so long you have no ideaaaaaa 
> 
> comments/kudos etc etc appreciated etc etc love yas <3


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not mean for this to be as long as it is, but I got a *little* carried away because I wanted to focus on Connor more than I usually do. This chapter also talks a lot about conversion therapy and has a slight mention of suicide so please be wary of this before you read it!! <3

_ The restraints dug into his wrists, pinching at the skin that had not yet had a chance to heal from the last time and trickling warm blood down onto the arms of the chair that were still bloodstained from the previous session. Tears pricked at his eyes as the door opened behind him, and the sound of shoes clacking across the hard floor echoed around the room like a whip cracking. He tried to slump down in the chair, but it only served to hurt his wrists even more.  _

_ A barked order to sit up had him straightening out his back to the point that it was painful. His eyes were drawn to where they always were; that one lone light in the corner of the room had a feverish prayer falling from his lips that was never answered. Sometimes he wondered if Heavenly Father was deaf. _

_ "Let’s begin, shall we?” and Connor had come to understand that any question asking for his consent was rhetorical. _

_ Any preparations happened out of his line of sight but the mere sound of the match striking was enough to send his already rapidly beating heart out of control. A hand closed around his shoulder as smoke curled towards him. He tried to hold his breath, but he could only ever last 30 seconds before he was gasping and the smoke was slithering up his nose and into his mouth.  _

_ The first time, he had tried to make a stupid joke about how it must have been strange to smoke cigarettes as a Mormon, and perhaps God would smite him down for that before they had even finished the therapy. All that had achieved was a slap around the face and a reminder from his therapist that he was sacrificing a lot for his atonement by smoking.  _

_ As Connor spluttered and gasped for breath, the whir of the projector coming to life had him snapping his eyes shut and his hands balling into fists. His therapist tutted, and Connor heard a faint whistle before a hand made contact with his cheek and his eyes flew open, stars dancing before them.  _

_ “Don’t cheat,” the therapist snapped, “how are you going to learn with your eyes closed?”  _

_ “Sorry. Sorry. I didn’t - I didn’t mean to, I’m - I’m sorry-” Connor gasped, his chest tightening with every breath, “I’m going to l-learn. I swear. I’m going to learn.”  _

_ The therapist tutted again, casually pressing the butt of his cigarette against Connor’s hand, not even flinching as he cried out in pain and -  _

“Connor, you’re hurting your wrist. You need to - You need to let go, love. You’re hurting yourself. Come on. You’re hurting yourself.” 

A softer voice than that of his therapists cut across his cries, but it did nothing to alleviate his anxiety because there was always a nice one. One who would soothe his cries and help him out of the chair once it was all over and have a cup of water and some snacks waiting for him. He might have been stupid enough to fall for that at 15, but he wasn’t going to as an adult. He shoved them away from him, scrambling to get out of the chair until he realised that he was in bed and wearing his pyjamas. Even stranger, the room was brightly lit and there was a bouquet of flowers sitting on his bedside table next to a sweet picture of him and Kevin. 

“Con, your wrist,” that voice said again, “You’re hurting yourself.” 

Connor slowly looked down at his wrist, realising that he had dug his fingernails in so deep that he had drawn blood along the faint scars from the restraints that refused to fade. He watched, still confused, as a hand slid over his and gently tugged his hand away. 

“It’s okay. It was only a nightmare. It wasn’t real,” the voice said, and his brain finally pointed out that it wasn’t the nice therapist, it was  _ Kevin,  _ “Hey. Look at me. You’re okay.” 

It took Kevin putting his hand on his cheek and physically turning his head to get Connor to look at him, offering him a tiny smile when their eyes finally met. 

“You’re okay,” he said again. 

Connor frowned and glanced down at their laps; they were both still half underneath the sheets, which meant that they had slept in the same bed but Connor couldn’t remember Kevin having a nightmare the previous night. His eyes scanned the room, his frown only deepening when he realised that every single light had been switched on and someone had dragged the lamp from the living room in. 

“Babe?” Kevin said softly, “Can you talk to me?” 

“Your meds,” Connor said, blinking at Kevin like he had only just realised he was there, “You need your meds. I’ll go and get them.” 

“Con-” 

“You need them,” Connor said, “I’ll go and get them.” 

Kevin’s hand dropped from his face and he said nothing as Connor left the bedroom massaging his temples as a headache began to build behind his eyes. He punched the code into the safe’s keypad with hands that were shakier than usual, and he couldn’t help but wonder if he was extremely hungover and had been drunk to the point that he remembered nothing of the previous night. He froze in the act of pouring out Kevin’s meds, heart sinking with dread as he remembered what had happened the last time he had been almost blackout drunk. What if he had kissed someone else again? Worse, what if he had tried to kiss  _ Kevin?  _ Or do something  _ more  _ and that was why they were in bed together?

The very thought made him want to throw himself off the balcony, but he forced himself to not do that and instead fill Kevin’s water bottle and bring him his meds. He would apologise for whatever he had done - or whatever he had  _ tried  _ to do - and then let Kevin decide what he wanted to happen. 

“Here you go,” Connor said quietly, holding the meds and the water out to Kevin when he was back in the room. He searched his face for any sign of fear or resentment or  _ anything  _ that would give him some sort of clue as to what had happened the previous night, but all he saw was sympathy. 

He frowned, remnants of the previous night slowly creeping back into his mind; snippets of an argument echoed through his head like a broken record along with stronger memories of Kevin’s arms wrapped around him as his body shook with sobs that he hadn’t experienced in years. 

“Come sit down,” Kevin whispered. 

Connor did, making sure to sit straight backed against the headboard and not avert his eyes until he remembered that nothing was going to be projected onto the wall because he wasn’t in therapy anymore. He let himself relax and lean into Kevin’s hand as he cupped his cheek. 

“What happened?” Kevin asked, his voice barely above a whisper. 

“Therapy,” Connor mumbled, “It was - It was just therapy. Sorry, I haven’t - I’ve not had a nightmare in a long time. I - I forgot what they were like. I’m fine. I’m okay.” 

“No you’re not.” Kevin countered, “You were tossing and turning for 20 minutes before I could wake you up, you kept on crying out. You’re not okay and you’re allowed to not be.” 

Connor looked down at his wrists, unsure if his mind was playing tricks on him or if the scars were showing up more than usual. He unconsciously tried to cover them by folding his arms even though he had always told Kevin the same story when he asked about them - he had operations on his wrists when he was younger and there was nothing more to it. 

“Are you hungry?” Kevin asked. 

“Yeah.” Connor said, because that felt like the right way to answer the question. 

“I’ll go make us something,” he said, parting with a soft kiss to his cheek and a whispered reminder that he loved him. 

Alone again, Connor suddenly felt vulnerable. He pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them tightly as his eyes darted around the room. There was sunlight streaming through the window and no one had turned the lamps off, but Connor couldn’t help but feel like there was someone lurking in the corner, biding their time before lighting up a cigarette and forcing him to apologise for being with Kevin. There was a phantom sting on his arm, like someone had pressed the butt of a cigarette against his skin because he hadn’t apologised for thinking about men quickly enough, or he had been slow in promising that he was done with those thoughts _._

The sound of muffled footsteps approaching the bedroom had him shrinking into himself, resting his forehead against the top of his knees and squeezing his eyes shut as though no one would see he was there. 

“Connor, it’s only me.” 

His head snapped up, and his heart rate slowed for a moment because it was only Kevin, standing by the side of the bed with a tray of breakfast in his hands and his hair secured messily in a bun. Connor almost found himself smiling before he realised it was like the last day that anything had felt normal. Kevin had walked into their bedroom exactly like this; a tray of food in hand and with a smile on his face like nothing out of the ordinary was going to happen in just a few hours time. 

Kevin’s smile faltered as he placed the tray on the bed and crawled towards him, hesitantly putting a hand on his knee. 

“What is it?” 

“You made me breakfast in bed.” Connor whispered. 

Kevin frowned, looking down at the breakfast and then back up at him, “Yeah. Are you not hungry?” 

“No, you made it that day.” 

Kevin’s frown deepened for a fraction of a second before his face dropped, “Oh. I’m - I’m sorry. I didn’t - I didn’t know I did that. I’m sorry, I forgot. I don’t remember doing it.”

“You’re not - You’re not going to do it again, are you? You’re not going to try again?” 

“No. No, I promise. I’m not going to try again,” Kevin said softly, tugging on Connor’s knees until his legs fell flat to the bad, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I promise I’m not going to try again.” 

Connor nodded, vaguely aware of Kevin putting his hands on his waist and scooting him backwards so he could cover him with their bedsheets again. He barely reacted to anything, not even when Kevin placed the tray across both of their laps and began pointing out all the food he had managed to fish out from the cupboards. 

“...and I made you a coffee with some caramel syrup that I found,” Kevin said, pressing a mug into his hands, “because I know you don’t like plain coffee.” 

Connor stared down at the frothy drink in his hand, a smile tugging on his lips as he noticed Kevin’s attempt at latte art in the shape of a (admittedly wonky) heart. 

“Did you use the fancy coffee machine?” Connor asked quietly. 

“Yeah, I dug it out from underneath the sink,” Kevin said, nudging a Pop Tart towards him, “Good to know I’m still the world's okay-est latte artist.” 

Once Connor had eaten two Pop Tarts and drank his coffee, the fog finally began to lift from his brain and he felt as though he was actually present in the room. Kevin must have noticed the change and pressed a kiss to his cheek, brushing the hair from his eyes. 

“Hi,” he said quietly, “You back with me?” 

Connor nodded, “Yeah. Sorry. I was being dramatic.” 

“No you weren’t,” Kevin said, “It’s scary. Do you wanna talk about it?” 

“No,” Connor said, the answer springing to his lips before he could really give it much thought, “No. It was nothing.” 

“It wasn’t  _ nothing,  _ you were-” 

“It’s just because I haven’t had a nightmare in a while. That’s all.” 

Kevin did not look at all convinced, “I know everyone says I’m bad at talking about my feelings, but I think you’re worse.” 

“I don’t have anything to talk about,” Connor countered, “I told you, I’m fine.” 

Kevin sighed, “The lights. The nightmare. The fact you refuse to go to therapy...” his eyes flicked down to the two identical marks on Connor’s wrists but he did not mention them, “I want you to be able to talk to me.” 

Connor slowly raised a piece of apple to his lips and chewed slowly.

“I don’t like it. My parents didn’t like me doing it, so I don’t.” 

“What were they like?” Kevin asked, “You never talk about them. You’ve never talked about them.”

“They were Mormon. You get it.”

“No, I don’t, because my parents weren’t always horrible to me.” 

Connor dropped his eyes to the tray, trying to think of a segue out of the conversation that wouldn’t make it seem like he was so obviously avoiding the question. Thankfully, Kevin provided him with it; he placed his hand over Connor’s and squeezed, pressing a soft kiss against his cheek. 

“Talk to me about it when you’re ready,” he whispered, “I want you to be able to talk to me.” 

“I’ll try,” Connor promised in the full knowledge that it would be a cold day in hell before he opened up about anything deeper than surface level. He turned to him and smiled, “Sorry, did I wake you up before?” 

“I was already awake,” Kevin said, “the room was too bright. It reminded me of the hospital.” 

Stomach twisting with guilt, Connor opened his mouth to launch into an apology but was stopped by Kevin gently squeezing his hand and shaking his head. 

“It’s okay. I’ll wear a sleeping mask tonight.” 

“We don’t have to keep all the lights on. In fact, we don’t have to leave  _ any  _ on, we can sleep in the dark. Or I can - I can sleep on the sofa, I don’t mind. The living room is brighter anyway, so-” 

Kevin shook his head, “All I wanted when I was in the hospital was to sleep next to you. I don’t want to throw that away again.” 

“Maybe try and get some sleep when I’m in work,” Connor said, conscious of him falling back into the unhealthy routine of drinking 5 cups of coffee at 3 AM again, “and then-” 

“You’re seriously thinking about going to work today?” Kevin asked, “Take a day off, _please_.” 

Connor frowned, “Why do I need to take a day off work?” 

“Seriously?” Kevin asked, and it was as though Connor had said something extremely offensive to him, “Call in sick at Bluebell’s at the very least.” 

“I’m not sick.” Connor said, “I just had a nightmare. It was nothing.” 

Kevin sighed and flopped down onto his back, “Fine. I’m just - I’m worried about you overworking yourself.” 

Connor rolled his eyes and leaned down to kiss him gently, “You don’t need to worry about me, love. I’m okay. I’m always okay.” 

Before he left, he slipped the note that Kevin had placed into the flowers into his wallet. 

* * *

The more he moved through his day, the more Connor was slowly coming to accept that maybe he did need help.  _ Real _ help. His chest was unbearably tight the entire day, and his eyes were constantly burning with the threat of tears. Caroline kept on giving him concerned looks that only worsened after he timidly asked her if they could turn the lights up in the shop. He had never realised how dark it was. 

The show was even worse; there was no option but to have a dark backstage and whenever the lights went down and someone accidentally brushed up against him, his mind immediately jumped to the worst case scenario; he had somehow been put back into therapy and they were going to take him away again. Even worse, they were going to take him away from  _ Kevin  _ and then Kevin would be left alone in the apartment with no way to get to his meds and then he’d be unmedicated and then something terrible would happen and somehow, it would all be Connor’s fault. 

The ending of the show brought the same joy that the beginning of it used to. There was no sound sweeter than the final chord of the bow music, and Connor was always the first to break away from the line and hurry back to the dressing room, ripping his costume off at a speed that would probably one day end in him ripping it to pieces. 

Ed was the first to get back to the dressing room, and Connor realised that he was giving him the same look that Caroline had been all day. 

“What’s going on, dude?” 

“What do you mean what’s going on?” Connor asked, pulling his jeans on. 

“I mean what’s going on with you? I’m worried about you,” 

Connor laughed, “Worried about  _ me?  _ I think you should be worrying about yourself more. Aren’t your girlfriends parents visiting?”

Ed tutted and leaned against Connor’s dressing table, crossing his arms and looking up at him. 

“You always do this. You’ve always have. I try to talk to you about something important and you change the subject.” 

“Because there’s nothing to talk about!” Connor exclaimed. 

“So you’re telling me that after  _ everything  _ that has happened, you’re okay? After Kevin was in the hospital, after you  _ mysteriously  _ broke your wrist, now that you’re working two jobs-” 

“What do you mean after I  _ mysteriously  _ broke my wrist?” Connor asked impatiently, “there’s nothing mysterious about it. I told you, I was drunk and I fell over. Don’t act like you’ve never done the same. In fact, I  _ know  _ that you’ve done the same. I have videos of you falling off a stripper pole!”

Ed glanced around the dressing room that was slowly beginning to fill up and leaned closer to him, turning his body so that the others were completely cut off from the conversation. 

“Look, I - I figured that something - that  _ someone  _ did something to hurt Kevin and that’s why he ended up in the hospital and that’s why you suddenly had a broken wrist and-” 

“-it’s none of your business,” Connor hissed, “Kevin’s life isn’t some fucking soap opera for you to follow!” 

“I know!” Ed exclaimed, “I’m not - I’m not asking for  _ details,  _ I’m just - I’m just saying that I think you need to look after yourself just as much as you look after Kevin. Like, it’s  _ admirable,  _ Con. It really is, the way you dropped everything for him but I’m worried about you.” 

“And I’m worried about you embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws.” 

Ed sighed, “ _ Fine.  _ You don’t have to talk to me but just - talk to  _ someone _ . Please.” 

“I will do that,” Connor said, snatching his bag from underneath the table, “Between working and doing the grocery shopping and cleaning the apartment making sure my boyfriend isn’t trying to kill himself again, I will find someone to talk to.” 

“You can do all of that and still look after yourself,” Ed said firmly, “Your problem is that you can’t face your problems.” 

Connor scoffed, “I’m pretty sure I’ve faced every single problem that I’ve had over the last few months. Hence the two jobs and the running home to make sure my boyfriend isn’t dead.” 

“I mean problems that don’t involve Kevin.” 

“I’m fine,” Connor said, his voice softening, “I promise, I’m fine. I’m dealing with everything.” 

Connor did not think for one moment that he had convinced Ed that he was okay, but he at least had the excuse of getting home to Kevin to save him from suffering through a terrible conversation about his feelings. 

* * *

Growing up as a gay teenager in a conservative household had lead to many embarrassing moments in Connor’s life, ranging from his parents reading his diary where he went into great detail about how pretty Steve Blade’s eyes were, to the period of time in Uganda where Kevin had been flirting with him but he had been too oblivious to pick up on it even after he had presented him with a bouquet of flowers one afternoon. But he would rather live through both of those things again than burst into tears in front of Caroline and two of his co-workers because the back room was too dark when he opened the door. 

And it didn’t matter how much he insisted that it was just allergies - like allergies made someone sob hysterically - and that he was  _ fine,  _ he just needed a minute and then he’d be out on the shop floor, Caroline seemed to be deaf to his excuses. She put her arm around his shoulders and actually led him to the door, telling him that he was fine to take the day off and she would see him the next day, but  _ only  _ if he felt like it. 

He couldn’t help but feel unbearably guilty when he got home. Though the tightness of his chest and the constant burning in his eyes from tears that had been threatening to fall on the commute home was lessened ever so slightly when Kevin saw him and greeted him with a massive grin that was only present for a moment before it faltered. 

“What - What’s going on?” he asked anxiously, “Why are you home? Did something happen at work?” 

“It was - It was nothing. It was just - it was dark,” he mumbled, “I didn’t like it. It was dark.” 

“Well, at least there’s no show tonight,” Kevin said quietly, “We can just relax, not worry about anything.” 

Connor wanted to point out that there were a plethora of things that they needed to worry about, but stayed silent because even he knew that this was a bad thing to point out to his chronically anxious boyfriend. Instead, he spent the rest of the morning laying with his head in Kevin’s lap as tears fell from his eyes for the second time that day, even though he wasn’t really sure what he was crying for anymore. Kevin barely acknowledged the tears outside of occasionally reaching down to wipe them away, even though this only seemed to serve to make him cry even more. 

“I don’t know what’s going on, but I - I want you to know that I’m here for you,” Kevin said, his fingers dancing through Connor’s hair in a way that was making it quite difficult to stay awake, “I get why you feel like you can’t tell talk to me about things, but you can. I want you to.” 

Connor nodded, hastily wiping his eyes, “I know.” 

“So, are you - are you gonna tell me what’s really going on?” 

“I - no,” Connor whispered, “No. Sorry. I can’t. I’m sorry.” 

He sat up and looked at Kevin who had scrunched his nose up in the way that he always did when he was trying not to cry. Connor groaned and scrubbed a hand over his face 

“I don’t want you to feel like I can’t trust you,” Connor said, “Or that - Or that I don’t want to tell you I just - I  _ can’t.  _ I don’t like doing it. I don’t like talking about my feelings to anyone.” 

Kevin sniffled and wiped his eyes, “I k-know, but the - the last time I couldn’t talk about my feelings...” he trailed off and shook his head, “it’s dangerous to keep it all bottled up.” 

Connor stared down at his hands, just about biting back a laugh like he _didn’t_ know what happened when feelings were bottled up for too long. If he closed his eyes, he could still feel the wind whipping his hair and the absolute _peace_ he felt before a hand had closed around his upper arm and yanked him away from the railings. 

“I’m not gonna - I don’t feel like  _ that _ ,” Connor said, reaching out to grab Kevin’s hand, “I’m just tired, that’s all.”

“I just - I want you to talk about it with someone,” Kevin whispered, “Please. It’ll make me feel better,” 

“Okay,” Connor whispered, “Okay. I’ll talk to someone. I promise. I’ll do it.” 

Kevin smiled, and the tightness in Connor’s chest loosened that little bit more. 

“I know it’s scary,” Kevin said, “but we - we don’t need to be scared today. We can just relax,” he leaned forward with a quiet laugh and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth, “Have you ever relaxed a day in your life? I remember a certain District Leader barely relaxing.” 

“No,” Connor answered, truthfully. 

Kevin rolled his eyes and lay down, pulling Connor with him who immediately froze. Kevin was lying flat on his back, legs open just a little and with a smile on his face that Connor couldn’t quite describe. All the blood rushed to Connor’s cheeks as he took in the sight before him, and he was beyond grateful that the blood had not rushed somewhere else. 

He swallowed and averted his eyes, “Sorry, I don’t want to - I’m not really - I’m not really in the mood for...” 

Kevin gasped and quickly sat up, the colour of his cheeks almost matching Connor’s, “No! I wasn’t - I wasn’t suggesting that we - I just - I thought you could - I thought  _ we  _ could do with a nap and you - you always cuddle me when I’m sad so I thought I’d - I thought I’d return the favour for once...” 

If possible, Connor blushed even more, the colour of his face surely matching his hair as Kevin started to giggle, one hand covering his mouth. 

“Sorry,” Connor whispered, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to - to bring it up...” 

Kevin giggled again, the sound going straight to his heart. 

“I just wanted to cuddle. Is that okay?” 

He nodded, this time letting Kevin pull him on top of him. It took a lot of shuffling around - Connor having a good five inches in height over Kevin meant that lying comfortably on top of him was not something that was easily achieved and he felt like he was squashing him, rather than being cuddled by him. 

“I wish my mom had married someone tall,” Kevin grumbled, crying out in pain when Connor accidentally kneed him in the balls for the third time, “I wish  _ your  _ mom had married someone shorter.” 

“My mom did marry someone short. She’s the tall one.”

“Oh,” Kevin said softly, “I always thought your dad was tall.” 

Once Connor figured out where to put his knee (anywhere but Kevin’s crotch), they got somewhat comfortable even though Connor was too tall for the sofa and one of Kevin’s legs was hanging off the edge. But Connor couldn’t find it in himself to complain as Kevin dropped a blanket over the two of them and pressed a kiss into his hair. 

“Comfy?”

“Yeah,” Connor mumbled against his neck, “Are you? We can - We can move if you-” 

“I’m comfy. It’s okay,” he whispered, 

Kevin’s arms tightened around him and he couldn’t stop his eyelids from fluttering shut. Sleeping on the sofa wasn’t always so bad. 

* * *

Over the last few months, Connor had come to realise that time stopped for no one. It moved as quickly or as slowly as it wanted to; it had stretched out the hours, the minutes, the  _ seconds  _ that Kevin had spent in the hospital, but seemed to compact them all into one day when it came to Connor starting therapy. He had spent an afternoon searching for the card that Doctor Daniels had given him all those weeks ago in the ER and before he knew what was happening, Doctor Daniels was telling him about a lovely psychiatrist by the name of Doctor Byrne who would be able to see him within the next  _ two days.  _

Those two days roared passed him in a blur of anxiety ridden sleepless nights and bleary eyed shifts at Bluebells and even when he was in the waiting room of Doctor Byrne’s office, he wasn’t sure if what he was doing had really sunk in yet. His brain being unable to keep up with what was happening was probably the only reason he hadn’t given up and gone to find Kevin who was waiting for him in a coffee shop across the street. 

Doctor Byrne seemed nice enough as she led him down the corridor to her office, talking easily about the weather and the nice breakfast that she had had that morning. She was younger than Connor had expected and didn’t have the same harsh face that his other therapists had. She smiled a lot and seemed to walk with a spring in her step. Connor stayed silent, knowing this trick all too well; she was just trying to relax him enough to get information out of him that she would weaponise later on in their sessions. He had learned to stay quiet when he was 15 and was in no rush to unlearn that lesson. 

“Here we are,” she said cheerfully, opening the door of her office, “I have a  _ great  _ selection of coffee and tea and hot chocolate and probably enough food to feed the entirety of New York five times over.” 

Connor paused in the threshold of the room, eyes skirting nervously around the place. It was not particularly well lit with the blinds pulled shut over the windows and only one light switched on by her desk. He took a hesitant step inside but held onto the door handle, knowing that he would fall apart on the spot if it shut behind him. 

“Is everything okay, Connor?” she asked kindly. 

“It’s - It’s dark,” he said. 

She looked around the room and nodded, “Would you like me to brighten the place up a bit?” 

Turning the lights on did not bring him the relief that he thought it would and his grip on the door handle tightened to the point that it was painful. He didn’t know what would happen if he let the door lock behind him, and he did not want to put himself in a position where he might find out. Doctor Byrne smiled at him again, and he couldn’t help but think that there was always a nice one. 

“Take a seat.” 

Connor’s eyes slid from her face to the armchair that she was pointing at. There were no restraints. 

He slowly let go of the door handle, flinching when he heard the lock click into place. 

“Does it - Does it unlock from the outside?” 

Doctor Byrne shook her head, “No. No one will come in.” 

“I can - I can get out though, can’t I? If I need to?” 

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a key. 

“This is the only key I have. You can hold it if it makes you feel comfortable.” 

Wordlessly, Connor took the key and sat down. He held it tight in his hand, the feeling of the jagged edges digging into his palm keeping him grounded. Doctor Byrne smiled at him again as she took a seat in the chair opposite to him, flipping open a notebook with his name on it. 

“I noticed your name,” she said, “Are you Irish?” 

“My parents are from Dublin,” he said, fists clenching at the mention of them, “They - They moved to Brooklyn when my mom was pregnant with me.” 

“Same,” she said, “Well, they’re from Killarney. Have you ever been back?” 

Connor shook his head, “No. I’ve never - I’ve never really felt a connection to it. Not like my parents did, anyway.” 

“You should go one day,” she said to him, “It’s a lovely place.” 

Connor nodded, trying to keep the frown off his face. He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting, but it was not to talk about Ireland. Though the more they talked about it, the more Connor began to relax and even mumble a story about accidentally talking in an irish accent in school and his friends being both amused and confused. It was only when the conversation suddenly switched back to therapy that he remembered where he was. 

“What is it that you’re looking to get out of the session?” 

The key dug into his palms again and he swallowed. The last time he’d been asked that question, his wrists had been tied down and someone had been lighting a cigarette. 

“I don’t know. For people to finally stop telling me I need to go to therapy?” 

“Why do you think people tell you that?” 

Connor averted his gaze, eyes focusing on her hands as she scribbled something into her notebook. 

“I don’t know. All my friends are always worried about me. My boyf - my partner, too.” 

If she noticed the way he stumbled over his words, she said nothing and leaned back in her chair. 

“Have you ever been to therapy before?” 

Connor had heard  _ that  _ question before too, though the therapist had never given him time to answer because  _ obviously  _ he hadn’t or else his parents wouldn’t have sent him. He cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably in his chair as the memory of his dad telling him that they had booked a session for him began replaying in the back of his mind. 

_ “It’s for the best, son. It will help you. Help you get better.”  _

_ “Better?” Connor asked quietly, sitting on his hands to stop himself from snatching the diary out of his mom's hands because she was still reading it like it was the latest bestseller, “Why do I - Why do I need to get better?”  _

_ His dad slammed his hand down onto the table and Connor jumped, eyes watering as he hit his knee on the underside of the table.  _

_ “What kind of question is that?” he snapped, spit flying across the table, “Why are you living in some sort of fantasy world where you think that this is acceptable behaviour?”  _

_ “Because I - I don’t think I can change it,” he whispered.  _

_ “You can. And you will.”  _

“Connor?” 

He jumped, eyes sliding back into focus and he painfully clenched down on the key. Doctor Byrne was staring at him, eyebrows raised ever so slightly and he had to glance around the room to make sure that his dad wasn’t there with him. 

“Sorry,” he said quickly, “I zoned out. Sorry. What was - What was the question?” 

“I asked if you’ve ever been to therapy before,” she repeated, “Take your time answering, I won’t rush you.” 

Connor swallowed nervously, wondering if she had already diagnosed him as being insane and was going to recommend he be locked up for a while. 

“Um, when I was - when I was in college, I went to...I went to the counsellor a few times because my - my partner thought that I should,” Connor said, and that  _ wasn’t  _ a lie because Kevin had asked him to at least try. It had helped him deal with everything that was surface level - the internalised homophobia that he had still not shifted and the general anxiety that every twenty-something felt. He had always thought that it had been enough, “It helped.” 

She nodded, “Is that it?” 

“And, um - I went - my parents sent me to - uh - to therapy when I was a teenager.” 

“Did you feel like you benefited from it?” 

“It was - It was conversion therapy,” he mumbled, the key surely breaking his skin with how tightly he was holding it, “and, well...I’m here now, aren’t I? And I’m still gay so, I - I don’t think I benefited from it.” 

He tried to pass it off as a joke but his voice broke and Doctor Byrne leaned across the table with a box of tissues that he took with an embarrassing amount of haste. 

It was perhaps the longest hour of his life. She did not ask him much about conversion therapy or his parents, just his life as it was. He explained that he was in Les Miserables and that his boyfriend had been in hospital and that things had been a little difficult for them recently. He just left out to the part where Kevin had tried to kill himself and they had only just started sleeping in the same bed together again. 

“I want to see you every week,” she said to him at the end of the session, “after a few more sessions, I’ll be able to diagnose you and prescribe you with some medications and hopefully we’ll start to see real change.” 

“Every week? Is that not a little excessive?” 

“The more progress you make, the less we’ll see each other,” she explained, “but for now, I think regular sessions will really benefit you.” 

Connor left as soon as he had booked his next appointment, sweating and breathing heavily like he had just finished running a marathon. He crossed the street to the coffee shop and found Kevin tucked away in the corner, his nose buried in the book that Connor had bought for him after he had left the hospital. He must have been engrossed in it, because it took Connor actually wrenching the book from his hands to get him to notice he was there. 

“Hey! What are you - oh,” his previously angry face turned into a smile when he saw it was Connor, “Sorry. This book is  _ really  _ good. I never realised how difficult it must be to be a vet cause like, when you’re a doctor your patient can tell you what’s wrong but a dog can’t, can it? So they have to go off what the owner says and then do like investigative work and -” he paused and blushed, “Sorry, I - I got excited. Are you okay? Did it go okay?” 

Connor smiled and gave him the book back, “No, it’s fine. Carry on with what you were saying.” 

“You’ll get bored,” Kevin said, sliding an old receipt between the pages in place of a bookmark, “Was it okay? You look a bit stressed.” 

“It was fine just...weirdly tiring, I guess. We didn’t really talk about much.” 

Kevin nodded knowingly, “It’s like that sometimes. I have sessions where I talk about _ everything  _ and sessions where I talk about nothing. Last time all I talked about was the different types of hair ties there were. For  _ two hours. _ ” 

“All we really talked about was Ireland,” Connor said, “her parents moved here like mine did.” 

“Your parents - what?” Kevin asked with a frown, “I thought - I thought your parents were from Brooklyn.” 

Connor snorted, “What are you on about?” 

“I didn’t know your parents were Irish!” 

“Why do you think I’m called Connor Sean McKinley?” Connor asked bemusedly, “Did the name and the ginger hair and the paleness not give it away?” 

“No I mean - I just - I thought like...your Grandparents or Great-Grandparents were Irish. I didn’t know you were actually Irish. Like, were you even born here?”

Connor would have liked to think that this was just another gap in Kevin’s memory and not another symptom of his own inability to open up about something as innocent as where his parents were from. 

“They moved over with a bunch of my aunties and uncles when my mom was pregnant with me,” Connor said, “Sorry I just - I thought it’d be obvious...” 

Kevin laughed, “How is it meant to be obvious? I’ve never met them or heard them speak or even seen a picture of them!” he laughed again and shook his head, “I’m not lying when I say you never tell me anything.” 

“I - I know. I’m sorry. I’m gonna - I’m gonna try and get better, I swear,” Connor mumbled, “I just don’t like to talk about them. I don’t even know if they still live in New York. They always said they wanted to move back to Ireland. Or the  _ motherland,  _ as my dad called it.” 

“Have you ever been?” 

“Nah. I don’t - I don’t think they wanted to take me back to meet the rest of my family until I was, you know...not gay,” 

Kevin seemed to visibly deflate at this; his shoulders sagged and his eyes turned sad as he pouted at him. Connor shrugged, trying to brush it off as something that had never really bothered him despite the strange yearning he had always had to know where he was really from. He had often felt that life in America had been so bad because he was never meant to live there. 

“I’m sorry,” Kevin whispered, “That’s unfair.” 

“Doesn’t matter. It happened in the past and besides, if we’d have moved back I might never have ended up in Uganda with you,” Connor said. 

“You wouldn’t have gotten heatstroke so many times if you didn’t go to Uganda,” Kevin pointed out. 

Connor shivered, he could still feel the phantom prickle of the sunburn that had plagued him for most of his mission. Some days it had been so bad that he could do nothing but lie practically naked in his bedroom and pray that the curtains would keep the sun away from his skin. 

“It was easier towards the end when we were together,” Connor reasoned, “and you always had Aloe Vera on hand.” 

Kevin finally smiled again and slid across the bench towards him. He tucked his legs underneath him and rested his head on Connor’s shoulder as he picked up his book again and opened it. Connor sighed, gently trailing his fingers up and down Kevin’s thigh and wondering if he was still just as much of a stranger to him as he had been in Uganda. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading! Again, I really did not mean for this to be longer than usual but I didn't want to half arse Connor's backstory so take the 17-ish pages that it is lmao. Sorry that there was a bit of gap between the updates, I randomly decided to re-plan the entire thing and change like a massive plot point so I obviously couldn't write but I hope you don't mind!! Comments/Kudos appreciated etc etc etc talk to me on tumblr etc et etc.


End file.
